Some Data

Let’s tackle this right up front. Yes, this has 2.5 stars on Amazon. And yes, some of the issues are indefensible. For example, David gonzales’s complaint: “Box was emptry.no brethalizer inside.”

That’s… uh… that’s a problem, David. I hope you took it up with customer service.

But then you see stuff like this: John Rupp claims that it “Gives different readings on consecutive blows.” Phillip Carroll echoes this: “While is does seem to work the readings aren’t always the same for the same person at the same sitting.” And safetyman says “If I had known that the instructions said that you have to wait 20 minutes after eating or drinking I would not have made the purchase.”

Okay, that last one is just sorta funny because, seriously, safetyman, you’re supposed to be the safety man! Do you have even the slightest idea how alcohol even works?? The other stuff, though? It speaks to a problem with what we expect from products like this.

When you step on the scale, it doesn’t read: “IDK, mebbe like 185ish?” And when you take your temperature, the thermometer doesn’t beep and show: “Ruh roh, you might be in fever range!” Likewise, the AlcoHAWK doesn’t say, “You’re probably just about too buzzed to drive.” Instead, these products give specific numbers, often down to the decimal. Thus, they set a standard of exactitude that they can’t possibly meet and which they shouldn’t be held to.

Because, you know who doesn’t need a totally accurate reading? Cliff.

Cliff is your buddy who drove over to your neighborhood to get some beers after work. You’re at a bar within walking distance from your apartment and you’re ordering pitchers, which makes it hard to know how many you and Cliff have had each. All you can say is, there have been something like 4 pitchers and you feel pretty sober, so likely it’s Cliff who’s doing most of the damage.

Cliff might be going through some things and Cliff might have a theory he wants to share. It’s either about capitalism or Game of Thrones. You really don’t know which. What you do know is that Cliff is very passionate about it, and he’s making big sweeping gestures with his hands. Soon he’ll likely knock over a pitcher and you’ll be kicked out of the bar.

What we’re getting at is that Cliff isn’t going to read the number on the AlcoHAWK breathalyzer you administer to him and say, “Ah, but my friend, shall we blow again, for I have heard tell of these devices not exhibiting pinpoint accuracy, and therefore I must humbly rebuke its claim! Pshaw!” What Cliff will do instead is laugh, and then burp, and then hopefully agree to crash on your couch or take an Uber rather than drive himself.

And that is what these will give you: not a totally accurate, impossible-to-argue number, but a little data to help you or your friends make a healthy, safe choice.