2-for-Tuesday: Obsolete Heart Rate Monitor Watches
- No phone calls
- No Internet
- No email
- No fitness tracking, even
- Just two watches with primitive digital displays and heart rate monitors
- Model: IHM-80004
Presenting The Appless Watch
We’d like to thank everyone for being here today. We would have some exciting things to show you if we were doing anything exciting. Instead, let’s talk about the Oregon Scientific Heart Rate Monitor Watch.
Like most great things and also mediocre things, it all starts with one simple question: how in the sweet bejesus are we going to get rid of all these freaking crappy watches? Our first idea was to orchestrate an elaborate stage extravaganza with giant screens and stirring Foo Fighters songs and philanthropic supermodels doing incredibly inspiring charity work. But then we thought, why do a glorified press release for this product when it’s too boring to even warrant a regular press release? Why not do something simple, something cheap, something that doesn’t require us to change out of these sweatpants?
So we decided to “spend” that money making the Oregon Scientific Heart Rate Monitor Watch really cheap. And we’re just going to use this space here today to walk you through a day in the life of this unremarkable watch.
The bleeping watch alarm wakes you up as long as you’re not a particularly heavy sleeper. You look at the monochrome display to see the time and date. Assuming you set the watch right, that is. It won’t set itself.
You need to know what you have to do today. So you check your calendar. On your phone or tablet or computer, we mean. Not on this watch. It can’t do that.
Oh, look, you’ve got just enough time for a quick workout. You measure your heart rate and calories burned. Maybe you use a stopwatch. Then, if you want to track your fitness progress, have a pen and paper handy to write those numbers down, because this watch won’t remember jack shit.
Then you get an urgent work email. Hope you have a device nearby that does email, because if you’re relying on this watch to keep in touch with the office, you’ll probably get fired. And you’ll deserve it.
Later on you’re meeting a friend for lunch. Oh, looks like he picked a place out, the Pig & Ostrich. You can tell because you’re looking at a text on your phone, not this watch.
We’ve been waiting years to talk on a watch like a phone! Haven’t you (because we’re assuming you’re a 65-year-old man who’s also dreaming of sirloin steak pills and blimp rides to the Moon)? Well, you’ll be waiting a while longer, because this watch is a watch, not a phone.
There’s so much more this watch can’t do. Keep up with the ballgame. Check movie times. Remind you to pack an umbrella. Share photos, notes, and doodles. Do some vague thing involving medical research that we missed most of because we were getting another Coke Zero. If there’s something you want to do, the chances that this watch can’t do it are virtually limitless.
This is what Meh is focused on: pushing products out the door and creating a better future where we don’t have a bunch of shitty heart-rate watches all over the place.
Some devices promise to change everything, and they’re priced accordingly. We’re taking a bold step in the other direction: the Oregon Scientific Heart Rate Monitor watch changes nothing. And it’s priced just right for that. Thank you and good afternoon!