Why Meh should hire me.
10Good day my lovely people of the internet forum. Today I'm writing this topic to provide some insight to the HR/Fellow nerds over at Mediocre Laboratories in to why it would be a fantastical idea to hire me. Below, I'm going to list some absolutely incredible reasons why hiring me would be such a great idea.
Reason 1: I'm a fat guy. And everyone knows that every office needs the "Office fat guy". Why you ask? Well, let me tell you my fine sirs and or madams. Fat people in the office provide great moral support for all employees. For example, Linda, who isn't fat, looks at me, said fat guy, and thinks, "hey, I totally dont want to be fat, I should work out more and be happy I'm not fat". Leading Linda to be happier in the workplace for lookin' good.
Reason 2: Touching on reason 1, as a fat guy, I love food. Mainly sweets. Can you say free candy? Got a sweet tooth and cant find a candy bar anywhere? Don't fret my fellow co-worker, let me open my desk and show you my stash of sugary goodness.
Reason 3: My years of sitting on my ass making people who are absolutely wrong feel that they're right. That's right, I'm talking about customer service. Where the customer is never right and you have to deal with it, because without them, you don't get a paycheck. I've worked in customer service for years, and in webhosting, so hey, there are skills that I have.... I mean, they're not like, super duper awesome degree skills, but they're skills, dammit.
Reason 4: I can type at over 80 words per minute, so replying to emails (whether they're customer emails, or responding to HR requesting I stop hitting on Linda) will be super efficiently fast, and stuff.
Reason 5: With this next sentence I'm going to type, and that you're going to read, I guarantee that you will say the following: "Holy shit he's stupid" or "Holy shit that's awesome!" or a combination of both.
I chase tornadoes.
So there you have it, the reasons why I should start at Meh next Monday.
- 6 comments, 42 replies
- Comment
Do you like purple?
@Barney fuzzy purple, you darn tootin'.
Mediocre's Current Job Listings.
(because it seems like a relevant spot to put it.)
@Thumperchick Oh, I know TC, but I wanted to be unique. And I think this is pretty darn unique :D
@Thumperchick And plus, do I honestly think they'll hire me, hey, who knows. Did I make this post to just throw out the possibility and to hopefully make people laugh, definitely.
@un0 Good Luck! And hey, if they do hire you - put in a word for them to hire me... and let me telecommute ;)
@Thumperchick That's what I've been doing for the past 4 years. Telecommuting is terrible, and a reason why I've gained a lot of weight over the past 4 years =/
@un0 I get that. I just can't commute from NY. (That's assuming they'd have me.)
@un0 I don't think they want technogeeks to play with tornadoes in the server room… just sayin'… you might want to rethink your application strategy, get a new alias here and try again : )
@Thumperchick From the Mobile Dev req: "You’ll be responsible for defining and implementing our mobile application strategy on iOS and Android. I guess you can work on apps for Windows Phone if you want to reach three more customers." Man, are there only three of us left now?
@mikey I'm an android user.
@mikey we're tri-dexterous in our house - IOS, Android, and Windows on phones. They all have their advantages. We kinda fell into the Windows part when Amazon was selling Nokia 520 smartphones for $20 just before Christmas. It might not be fancy, but it is easy to use and very low stress upon losing it (the particular user has a habit of doing that).
@unixrab http://m.keranews.org/mobile/32534
@nadroj but you didn't see the actual size of that tub jpg!
@unixrab @un0 ...in the bathtub...with the blues.
A fat, sweet tooth, Mavis Beacon loving, customer serving tornado chaser? Hmm...that sounds too good to be true.
@un0 I think you've hit the sweet spot of "holy shit that's awesome...and a bit nuts!" On second thought, I suppose it's better to chase tornadoes instead of them chasing you.
That being said, we did just post a job that may interest you! @thumperchick already posted the link above to our current listings (thank you!), so take a look and throw your name in the hat if it suits you and you're at least half intrigued. :)
@katherine I'm sure you've been asked before, and I apologize for asking again. Is there a possibility to telecommute for this? For the right candidate?
@katherine It looks like @JonT is getting a lackey! Or maybe a minion. Is this position self-directed or will the lucky candidate have to do his bidding?
@editorkid looks more like a @hollboll light than a @JonT lackey.
@Thumperchick No need to apologize! At this stage of the game, we'd really like people to be able to be in office with us to see the chaos up close. Why isn't teleportation a thing yet??
@editorkid Pshhh whatever, that's my lackey!
@katherine I had to pitch it anyway. NY - TX is a hell of a commute.
@editorkid @Thumperchick @MEHcus aw man, I want lackeys....
@JonT aww, you know I'd lackey for you, too.
@Thumperchick Well good, because I want the minion position.
@editorkid We're all delusional, anyway. They've seen the terrible things we all write and say to each other. They know better. At least in my case!
@katherine I figured the position referred to a forum mod because nights, weekends, "engagement." But I think @MEHcus and @hollboll totally deserve a new plaything too. It's probably the best thanks you can give them for being more than mediocre.
@editorkid Yep, @MEHcus and @hollboll's titles are 'member engagement' and mine is 'Community Communications'.
@JonT Is @Snapster's official title "Head Jackass?" I'm just asking for science.
@katherine Thank your for application. We will contact you shortly if we find you to be a good fit for the position. Now we wait.
@katherine Teleportation portals would be a good two-fer-Tuesday deal. Just sayin'...
@katherine What's your job at Mediocre/Meh?
@dashcloud Human Resources, though I don't know her official fancy title. Probably something like "Person In Charge of Making Sure These Other Knuckleheads Don't Do Anything TOO Stupid"
@dashcloud People Services Manager :) (....a far nicer way of saying HR)
@JonT you beat me to the punch!
@DaveInSoCal I'll see if I can subtly suggest that to our Buyers. I'm sure they're easy to find at a really great price, right?
I would consider applying if there were moving expenses covered. I just bought a home here in Upstate NY, and I LOVE cold weather. I mean LOVE it. And Snow! Who doesn't like shoveling feet of snow on a weekly basis!?!?!?! It's a winter fucking wonderland here....
@BillLehecka can I dump the snow and cold from our wonderland into your wonderland? Because I'm over it. Bring on sunshine and warmth and grilled steak and splashing with the dogs in the kiddie pool.
@Thumperchick Sure, bring all the snow... Because the neighborhood kids need more snow to write shit like this on my front lawn:
This is real... I discovered it last night.
@BillLehecka I can't believe they had the balls to do that.
@Thumperchick I kind of like the fact that the guy didn't like his first attempt at a proper penis caricature, and needed a cleaner second attempt.
@BillLehecka Note that the cleaner attempt is also smaller.
@Thumperchick It's how you use it!
@BillLehecka That's impressive. They just ding dong ditch me when it snows.
@BillLehecka @Thumperchick what a couple of dicks.