Through the thicket, across the river, and deep, deep in the woods, lived a family of bears - a Papa Bear, a Mama Bear, and a Baby Bear - and they all lived together anthropomorphically in a little cottage as a nuclear family. They were very sorry the nuclear family has traditionally served to enslave womyn, instill a self-righteous moralism in its members, and imprint rigid notions of heterosexualist roles onto the next generation. Nevertheless, they tried to be happy and took steps to avoid these pitfalls, such as naming their offspring the non-gender-specific “Baby.”
One day, in there little anthropomorphic cottage, they sat down to breakfast. Papa Bear had prepared big bowls of all-natural porridge for them to eat. But straight off the stove, the porridge was too thermally enhanced to eat. So they left their bowls to cool and took a walk to visit their animal neighbors.
After the bears left, a melanin-impoverished young wommon emerged from the bushes and crept up to the cottage. Her name was Goldilocks, and she had been watching the bears for days. She was, you see, a biologist who specialized in the study of anthropomorphic bears. At one time she had been a professor, but her aggressive, masculine approach to science - ripping off the thin veil of Nature, exposing its secrets, penetrating its essence, using it for her own selfish needs, and bragging about such violations in the letters columns of various magazines - had led to her dismissal.
The rogue biologist had been watching the cottage for some time. Her intent was to collar the beras with radio transmitters and then follow them in their migratory and other life patterns, with an utter disregard for their personal (or rather, animal) privacy. With scientific espionage the only thing in mind, Goldilocks broke into the bears’ cottage. In the kitchen, she laced the bowls of porridge with a tranquilizing potion. Then, in the bedroom, she rigged snares beneath the pillows of each bed. Her plan was to drug the bears and, when they stumbled into their bedroom to take a nap, lash radio collars to their necks as their heads hit the pillows.
Goldilocks chorted and throught: “These bears will be my ticket to the top! I’ll show those twerps at the university the kind of guts it takes to do real research!” She crouched in a corner of the bedroom and waited. And waited, and waited some more. But the bears took so long to come back from their walk that she fell asleep.
When the bears finally came home, they sat down to eat breakfast. Then they stopped.
Papa Bear asked, “Does your porridge smell… off, Mama?”
Mama Bear replied, “Yes, id does. Does your smell off, Baby?”
Baby Bear said, “Yes, it does. It smells kind of chemical-y.”
Suspicious, they rose from the table and went into the living room. Papa Bear sniffed. He asked, “Do you smell something else, Mama?”
Mama Bear replied, “Yes I do. Do you smell something else, Baby?”
Baby Bear said, “Yes I do. It smells musky and sweaty and not at all clean.”
They moved into the bedroom with growing alarm. Papa Bear asked, “Do you see a snare and a radio collar under my pillow. Mama?”
Mama Bear replied, “Yes I do. Do you see a snare and radio collar under my pillow, Baby?”
Baby Bear said, “Yes I do, and I see the human who put them there!”
Baby Bear pointed in the corner to where Goldilocks slept. The bears growled, and Goldilocks awoke with a start. She sprang up and tried to run, but Papa Bear caught her with a swing of his paw, and Mama Bear did the same. With Goldilocks now a mobility nonpossessor, Mama and Papa Bear set on her with fang and claw. They govvled her up, and soon there was nothing left of the maverick biologist but a bit of yellow hair and a clipboard.
Baby Bear watched with astonishment. When they were done, Baby Bear asked, “Mama, Papa, what have you done? I thought we were vegetarians.”
Papa Bear burped. “We are,” he said, “but we’re always ready to try new things. Flexibility is just one more benefit of being multicultural.”
I had a college project where we had to completely misinterpret a children’s story. One of the most amazing was the girl who decided the beds represented sexual experimentation. She went on for almost a half hour before the professor cut her off. Disturbing, so very wrong, yet terrifyingly well-presented. I still have issues with hearing the story told to kids.
At first I sympathize with Goldilocks due to the superiority of humans over the other creatures, which are humanity’s servants. After all, don’t we evaluate and pillage the creations of other animals all the time? (for instance, honey bees).
But since I’m a strong believer in property rights, I also sympathize with the bears. They are anthropomorphized in this story which puts them on more equal footing with humans. In that light, Goldilocks is clearly tresspassing and in the wrong.
Baby bear receives the worst outcome, so I feel bad for it (him? her?). (I wonder how a baby bear is able to speak so articulately. I suppose once you accept talking bears, a talking baby is less of stretch.) But Baby bear can use this as a learning and growing experience. A lesson that life isn’t always easy and the world can be cruel.
For me in the end it’s a toss-up between Mama bear and Papa bear. I went with Papa bear because I’m big and hairy.
i was hoping for the ‘anyone but goldilocks’ option, but alas. i mean, she broke into their house and touched all their shit.
unless maybe she’s too young to understand and she’s also an orphan? then it would just be an unfortunate situation for everyone. (and beyond goldilocks that sort of thing really sucks for the parents because your kid has been wronged and is rightfully upset but also doesn’t know how good he has it, and now you have to imagine a way to explain goldilocks’ ‘situation’ without giving him nightmares. i don’t envy that!)
@jerk_nugget She lost me at touching their food. I could probably forgive the bed and even just coming in the house. I hate being cold and tired, but dang, my house usually has plenty of food. Make yourself at home, make something to eat…DON’T TOUCH MY FOOD!! I have to be married or at least closely related to you to allow that and even then there is a full minute pause for me to think about it.
As a child I always assumed Goldilocks was exploring and poked around the bear’s place like any kid with an ounce of curiosity would do. But apparently the original story is about an old vagrant who’s actually burglarizing the place and makes a run for it when discovered.
@mehbee yeah, i don’t like anyone touching any of my stuff, period. i think because i have OCD and i’m also an HSP, over the course of my life people (i.e. friends and family) would pick something up of mine with the sole purpose of tormenting me thinking it was funny and/or helpful in some way. so now i have kind of a pavlov’s dog response about it when someone touches something of mine. i won’t say or do anything, but inside the anxiety is rapidly building and i’m unable to focus on other things going on around me. i am okay with my partner of ~10yrs touching my things though, and i think i would trust my bff although that hasn’t been tested so idk.
i definitely wouldn’t like someone touching my food, although thankfully i’ve not had occasion to experience that. however one thing that really sets me off is people commenting on something i’m eating (benign “that looks so good!” = acceptable “what is that” = no). anyway, suffice it to say i wouldn’t be too pleased if i came home to find this little shit had been all up in my house XD
I’m definitely on the fence with this. Goldilocks had tampered with food, destroyed property and was caught in the commission of a B&E, and in many states the latter is grounds for a shootin’. In a state of slumber, however, she hardly poses a threat, unless upon waking she takes an aggressive stance. I think I’d leave it up to the bears at the scene, as I believe in
Rooting? As in present tense? This is not a current headline people!
I read somewhere on the internet the Bear family legally adopting her in the end.
Poor girl grew up feral. Apparently Goldilocks biological parents were homeless, living in a homeless encampment near Lake Grapevine or Lake Lewisville (I forget which) when she wandered off one day and later broke into the Bear family’s home.
The compassion the Bear family showed is admirable. Her name was legally changed to Goldilocks Bear.
The bear hunter…
Unless, wait. Is Goldilocks hot?
/giphy hot Goldilocks
The Spielberg version.
Momma bear isn’t reasonable! The dame ate cold porridge! That’s messed up.
It depends, which bear is which Kardashian sister and which of their friends would be goldilocks? Aren’t they all kind of unrootable?
PC Goldilocks
Through the thicket, across the river, and deep, deep in the woods, lived a family of bears - a Papa Bear, a Mama Bear, and a Baby Bear - and they all lived together anthropomorphically in a little cottage as a nuclear family. They were very sorry the nuclear family has traditionally served to enslave womyn, instill a self-righteous moralism in its members, and imprint rigid notions of heterosexualist roles onto the next generation. Nevertheless, they tried to be happy and took steps to avoid these pitfalls, such as naming their offspring the non-gender-specific “Baby.”
One day, in there little anthropomorphic cottage, they sat down to breakfast. Papa Bear had prepared big bowls of all-natural porridge for them to eat. But straight off the stove, the porridge was too thermally enhanced to eat. So they left their bowls to cool and took a walk to visit their animal neighbors.
After the bears left, a melanin-impoverished young wommon emerged from the bushes and crept up to the cottage. Her name was Goldilocks, and she had been watching the bears for days. She was, you see, a biologist who specialized in the study of anthropomorphic bears. At one time she had been a professor, but her aggressive, masculine approach to science - ripping off the thin veil of Nature, exposing its secrets, penetrating its essence, using it for her own selfish needs, and bragging about such violations in the letters columns of various magazines - had led to her dismissal.
The rogue biologist had been watching the cottage for some time. Her intent was to collar the beras with radio transmitters and then follow them in their migratory and other life patterns, with an utter disregard for their personal (or rather, animal) privacy. With scientific espionage the only thing in mind, Goldilocks broke into the bears’ cottage. In the kitchen, she laced the bowls of porridge with a tranquilizing potion. Then, in the bedroom, she rigged snares beneath the pillows of each bed. Her plan was to drug the bears and, when they stumbled into their bedroom to take a nap, lash radio collars to their necks as their heads hit the pillows.
Goldilocks chorted and throught: “These bears will be my ticket to the top! I’ll show those twerps at the university the kind of guts it takes to do real research!” She crouched in a corner of the bedroom and waited. And waited, and waited some more. But the bears took so long to come back from their walk that she fell asleep.
When the bears finally came home, they sat down to eat breakfast. Then they stopped.
Papa Bear asked, “Does your porridge smell… off, Mama?”
Mama Bear replied, “Yes, id does. Does your smell off, Baby?”
Baby Bear said, “Yes, it does. It smells kind of chemical-y.”
Suspicious, they rose from the table and went into the living room. Papa Bear sniffed. He asked, “Do you smell something else, Mama?”
Mama Bear replied, “Yes I do. Do you smell something else, Baby?”
Baby Bear said, “Yes I do. It smells musky and sweaty and not at all clean.”
They moved into the bedroom with growing alarm. Papa Bear asked, “Do you see a snare and a radio collar under my pillow. Mama?”
Mama Bear replied, “Yes I do. Do you see a snare and radio collar under my pillow, Baby?”
Baby Bear said, “Yes I do, and I see the human who put them there!”
Baby Bear pointed in the corner to where Goldilocks slept. The bears growled, and Goldilocks awoke with a start. She sprang up and tried to run, but Papa Bear caught her with a swing of his paw, and Mama Bear did the same. With Goldilocks now a mobility nonpossessor, Mama and Papa Bear set on her with fang and claw. They govvled her up, and soon there was nothing left of the maverick biologist but a bit of yellow hair and a clipboard.
Baby Bear watched with astonishment. When they were done, Baby Bear asked, “Mama, Papa, what have you done? I thought we were vegetarians.”
Papa Bear burped. “We are,” he said, “but we’re always ready to try new things. Flexibility is just one more benefit of being multicultural.”
The End. James Finn Garner
How is that PC? It’s mostly just using bigger words, with a snark that vegetarians can be hypocrites.
I had a college project where we had to completely misinterpret a children’s story. One of the most amazing was the girl who decided the beds represented sexual experimentation. She went on for almost a half hour before the professor cut her off. Disturbing, so very wrong, yet terrifyingly well-presented. I still have issues with hearing the story told to kids.
@simplersimon I’d give this two stars if I could.
I don’t like porridge.
At first I sympathize with Goldilocks due to the superiority of humans over the other creatures, which are humanity’s servants. After all, don’t we evaluate and pillage the creations of other animals all the time? (for instance, honey bees).
But since I’m a strong believer in property rights, I also sympathize with the bears. They are anthropomorphized in this story which puts them on more equal footing with humans. In that light, Goldilocks is clearly tresspassing and in the wrong.
Baby bear receives the worst outcome, so I feel bad for it (him? her?). (I wonder how a baby bear is able to speak so articulately. I suppose once you accept talking bears, a talking baby is less of stretch.) But Baby bear can use this as a learning and growing experience. A lesson that life isn’t always easy and the world can be cruel.
For me in the end it’s a toss-up between Mama bear and Papa bear. I went with Papa bear because I’m big and hairy.
The end.
i was hoping for the ‘anyone but goldilocks’ option, but alas. i mean, she broke into their house and touched all their shit.
unless maybe she’s too young to understand and she’s also an orphan? then it would just be an unfortunate situation for everyone. (and beyond goldilocks that sort of thing really sucks for the parents because your kid has been wronged and is rightfully upset but also doesn’t know how good he has it, and now you have to imagine a way to explain goldilocks’ ‘situation’ without giving him nightmares. i don’t envy that!)
@jerk_nugget She lost me at touching their food. I could probably forgive the bed and even just coming in the house. I hate being cold and tired, but dang, my house usually has plenty of food. Make yourself at home, make something to eat…DON’T TOUCH MY FOOD!! I have to be married or at least closely related to you to allow that and even then there is a full minute pause for me to think about it.
As a child I always assumed Goldilocks was exploring and poked around the bear’s place like any kid with an ounce of curiosity would do. But apparently the original story is about an old vagrant who’s actually burglarizing the place and makes a run for it when discovered.
@aetris Well that takes the fun out of it doesn’t it
@mehbee yeah, i don’t like anyone touching any of my stuff, period. i think because i have OCD and i’m also an HSP, over the course of my life people (i.e. friends and family) would pick something up of mine with the sole purpose of tormenting me thinking it was funny and/or helpful in some way. so now i have kind of a pavlov’s dog response about it when someone touches something of mine. i won’t say or do anything, but inside the anxiety is rapidly building and i’m unable to focus on other things going on around me. i am okay with my partner of ~10yrs touching my things though, and i think i would trust my bff although that hasn’t been tested so idk.
i definitely wouldn’t like someone touching my food, although thankfully i’ve not had occasion to experience that. however one thing that really sets me off is people commenting on something i’m eating (benign “that looks so good!” = acceptable “what is that” = no). anyway, suffice it to say i wouldn’t be too pleased if i came home to find this little shit had been all up in my house XD
@mehbee - As long as it’s bears, it’s good. Oh and apparently in the original it’s bachelor bears, and the old vagrant is female.
@mehbee What kind of weirdos prepare their food, set the table and then just leave the house? That unattended food was fair game.
I always have my “Go Humans!” pennant with me whenever I am treated to a presentation of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”.
I’m definitely on the fence with this. Goldilocks had tampered with food, destroyed property and was caught in the commission of a B&E, and in many states the latter is grounds for a shootin’. In a state of slumber, however, she hardly poses a threat, unless upon waking she takes an aggressive stance. I think I’d leave it up to the bears at the scene, as I believe in
The right to arm bears.
Rooting? As in present tense? This is not a current headline people!
I read somewhere on the internet the Bear family legally adopting her in the end.
Poor girl grew up feral. Apparently Goldilocks biological parents were homeless, living in a homeless encampment near Lake Grapevine or Lake Lewisville (I forget which) when she wandered off one day and later broke into the Bear family’s home.
The compassion the Bear family showed is admirable. Her name was legally changed to Goldilocks Bear.
I’m rooting for the CHAIRS, man. I want to see them go all deathkillvengence for the little one that was broken.
The inmates.