What's next... Favorite joke

Where did nepolian keep his armies???!!!??

… Up his sleevies… Hahahahha

/giphy king me

Local news headline this morning: “80-year-old woman with dementia found safe”.
You know, I’m glad the old gal found her safe, but you’ve gotta wonder if it was really missing in the first place.

Q: Why is Folgers the coffee for lovers?
A: Because it’s mountain grown.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I wouldn’t pay 10 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on me.

A single guy decided he wanted a pet, and because sometimes he got lonely for the sound of someone talking, he decided to get a parrot.

So he went to the pet store, and asked to buy a talking parrot, but the store only had one parrot that talked, which had been returned for an odd reason.

The clerk at the pet store told him “…because it’s a previously-owned parrot, we can give it to you for a great deal, but it does have some idiosyncrasies- most likely because of its having been previously owned…”
Of course, the guy asked “What is odd about him?”
To which the clerk applied “He’s a horny parrot.”

The guy didn’t think too much about it, because being a young bachelor himself, he was pretty horny most of the time too. So he took the parrot home, and they began their life together…

But from the 1st day, whenever he opened the cage- whether to change the paper, or fill the water or food, the parrot would be on his arm instantly- trying to hump it…

When his mother would come over to have dinner, the bird would sidle up to the side of the cage nearest her and whisper dirty come-ons [“Ooh you’re a red hot MILF, lets get together soon…”].

When he brought dates home, the bird would leer at them and make improper and suggestive comments [You got a nice tail- why don’tcha let me jump on it?"]

So perhaps predictably, the guy pretty quickly grew tired of the sheer persistence and determination of the bird’s overactive libido.

Figuring there must be something wrong with it, he took it to the nearest veterinarian, who performed a very thorough physical exam [with the bird encouraging the vet to pleasure it- “C’mon doc, help a guy out- gimme a hand will ya…”]

The vet sat down, scratched his head and said: “You sir, have a horny parrot… That’ll be $150.”
The guy said “You gotta help me, doc. He’s messing up my love life, and my mom won’t even come over for dinner any more… Isn’t there something we can do?”

“Well,” the vet said “I do have a nice female parrot here, and for $50 we can put 'em together and see what happens- maybe it’ll take some of the drive outa him…”
The guy says “Another $50- I don’t know…”

The bird is going- “C’mon bub, what’s $50- it’s just chicken feed… Let’s get this party going…”

So the guy relents and they put the two birds in a cage in the back room, cover the cage, pull the curtain over the doorway closed, and go out front to wait.

A few minutes later they start hearing the birds screaming in back “Squuuuaaaaacccckkkk… squuuuaaaccckkk…”, so they run back in, see abunch of feathers flying out from under the cover, rip it off the cage and see…

The male bird is holding the female bird down with one foot, and pulling her feathers out with the other, yelling-

Wait for it-------------->

“For fifty bucks, I WANT YA NAKED, NAKED…!!!”

All credit goes to the Great and Hilarious- Orson Bean- in college, I had one of his comedy albums with this and many other of his witticisms on it, and played it until it wore out…
All blame for poor formatting. extraneous BS, and anything else wrong is my fault…