The Zaggs in the Walls: A Zagg-rathon compilation (also all 54 Meh buttons in a GIF)

21

Sorry this is so much later than usual. Even though this one is short, I didn’t get back in town for a while. Plus I’m back to doing all the Meh buttons, which can get a bit involved. Speaking of…

All the Meh Buttons

If you counted more than 54 buttons yesterday then you counted wrong.

The Whole Story

Hey hey, it’s a ZAGG-RATHON! You like charging things? You like hearing things? You like lights? You like amateurish psychological/cosmic horror stories? Well, do we have the event for you. 24 hours of nonstop Mophie, Braven, Halo, and iFrogz accessories! Get 'em while they are hot, because we got this food heating lamp at a discount, so it’ll probably die any second, but hey, we’re selling all day!

Mr. Lyle Beckett Kromrad,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you on this day.

Your esteemed grandfather, Sir Mophie Kromrad, has passed.

As you are surely aware, Sir Kromrad amassed a considerable fortune from his mining operations in old Sumer.

In his will, he bequeathed to you not only a large portion of this fortune but also his lavish, if isolated, estate.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience, Mr. Kromrad, so that I may turn over the keys to your grandfather’s estate.

Regards,
Giuseppe, the Groundskeeper

Giuseppe,

Thank you for informing me of the present circumstances, I shall head to the hamlet of Braven posthaste.

Just allow me a little time to get all my affairs in the city in order. This news is sudden, but I will make good on claiming my grandfather’s estate.

Sincerely,
Lyle Beckett Kromrad

Giuseppe,

I have reached Braven. Due to the inclement weather, I’ve been holed up at an inn on the outskirts of the town feeling feverish. The scullery maid said she knew you well and would pass on this letter. Expect me to be at your residence in the next few days.

Lyle Beckett Kromrad

Mr. Kromrad,

If you are reading this, I am out at the estate making final preparations for your arrival. Sir Kromrad’s attorney will be visiting as well, and a number of contractors. Please meet me there.

We have much to discuss.

Giuseppe

My Grandson,

I am glad you have answered the summons and reached my estate. I am sorry that I can not greet you, but know that you are welcomed.

I am haunted by many things. Among them is the guilt I’ve felt for distancing myself from your father in the twilight of my life, and as a consequence, you. Much has happened these last few years. It has taken a toll on my health in all aspects.

I believe I will be dying soon, hence this note.

I hope the estate will treat you well, for as well as I treated it, it never seemed to return the favor. Perhaps you will find comfort that I could not.

Live well, my Grandson.

Sincerely yours,
Sir Mophie Kromrad

Giuseppe,

Despite feeling better for a day or so, I fear illness has taken me once more. I do not know how long it shall last.

Would you know of anyone who might act as a liaison between Braven and I? I don’t know that I’ll be able to make the journey very often.

Regards,
Lyle

Claire,

The new owner of Sir Mophie’s estate is in need of an assistant who can run errands for him. I believe he is of a frail constitution, and I’m afraid I lack the vitality to make the trip between Braven and the estate multiple times a week. I know your mother said you were in need of work this season, so I recommended you. He has inherited old Mophie’s wealth, as well, so you will surely be paid well.

Giuseppe

Giuseppe,

Thank you for sending Claire, she has been a godsend.

I do have a question: the estate has been fully inspected, yes? Perhaps it is just some delirium caused by my illness, but these past few nights, I’ve been hearing something on the ceiling. A series of soft plips and plops. At first I thought it might be rain, but drawing the curtains, I saw nothing.

Respond when you can,
Lyle

Ms. Claire,

I am particularly indisposed today. Sleep has not come easy, so I take it where I can get it.

Would you go into town and bring me a tincture from the pharmacist for a sound sleep?

Thank you,
Lyle

Giuseppe,

The sounds persist. I have been able to sleep through the repeated use of a powerful tincture and a small device that appears to have belonged to my grandfather. A curious thing. Like a phonograph, but small. It fills the room with a sound I can only call tranquilizing.

Lyle

Lyle,

I myself have personally inspected the grounds, and so have various contractors. Nothing was found to be amiss, but perhaps I can send for someone to make a more thorough examination?

Regards,
Giuseppe

Giuseppe,

Did my late grandfather make any mention of frogs prior to his passing?

Just curious.

Lyle

Claire,

If you would, please retrieve mousetraps from the market. I am in dire need.

Thanks,
Lyle

Giuseppe,

While tending to the grounds, please mind the open jars of honey. I am collecting bait.

Lyle

Giuseppe,

If you have any adhesives, I would greatly appreciate them.

Lyle

Giuseppe,

There are frogs in the house, I am sure of it. I can hear the croaks now, muffled through the floorboards. I have left traps out to catch them, but none have taken the bait just yet. I hope to have some evidence that will put this paranoia to rest by the end of the week.

Lyle

Mr. Kromrad,

My mother has come down with something, so in tending to her, I will be unable to assist for a time. I will let you know when I am available again. Please get some rest as well.

Sincerely,
Claire

Giuseppe,

I would appreciate it if you could accompany me to Braven this week. Claire is unable to assist. I am weak, but there are still letters to send and supplies to be bought.

Lyle

Dr. Ainsley,

It has been some weeks since I relocated myself to just outside the hamlet of Braven, and it feels as though sickness has pursued me doggedly for the entirety of this time.

I know I am now some distance away, but I am requesting your insight.

Are there any allergies I was not made aware of? Could I have been poisoned by a bad haddock?

Tell me, is there any known condition which might cause one to hear the croaking and gallivanting of frogs in your walls?

Please, doctor, I am desperate.

I look forward to your correspondence.

Sincerely,
Lyle Beckett Kromrad

Notice to Mr. Lyle Kromrad

Nothing too out of the ordinary has been found in the structure of your residence. No pests, and certainly no frogs.

There were, however, some small items scattered throughout the walls. We are unsure of what they are, although they appear to be inscribed with the word “Braven.” Perhaps an old, unused building material left by a local mason?

We can provide a more detailed written assessment of the property at your request, but you may rest assured that the building is in fine condition.

The County Flye Fictitious Board of Property Inspection

Giuseppe,

I am sorry to ask more of you, but wrapped inside this note I have enclosed a small object inscribed with the word “Braven.” Do you have any familiarity with it? Could a mason in town know more about it? It vexes me. Lighter than any brick.

Lyle

Mr. Kromrad,

I tried knocking on the door to alert you, but it seems you were out or indisposed. I am once more available to assist you. You know where to find me.

Claire

Sir Kromrad,

We have received correspondence from an Ottoman emissary who claims you illegally trafficked items of great significance from Jemdet Nasr. The inquiry is pending investigation, but for the time being, you will be suspended from international travel. We can not risk an incident right now. The government will likely be sending someone your way to get more information and hopefully sort things out. Keep an eye out, old friend.

Cheers,
Bodgebottom

Dear Mr. Lyle Kromrad,

At the behest of my colleague Dr. Ainsley, I am contacting you to offer my services. I hear you are suffering from quite the number of abnormal maladies that just may be rooted more in the mind than in the flesh. If you are interested, perhaps we can arrange for a meeting, in-person, within the next few months. You have my address.

Regards,
Siegward Freund, Doctor of Psychiatry

Giuseppe,

I am leaving town for a few days. If possible, please, would either you or Claire stay in the house during my absence? I know the Braven stones amounted to nothing, and I have yet to capture even the slightest evidence of the vermin infesting my walls, but maybe knowing that one of you has stood in my shoes and not heard the same will bring some comfort to my troubled mind.

Thank you,
Lyle

Claire,

Mr. Kromrad is out of town and needs a house sitter. If possible, could you stay on the estate for a few days? Let me know if you can.

Giuseppe

Giuseppe,

I decided to tinker with that strange brick you left at my shop. To my surprise, the thing is some sort of box or container! It’s astounding. Rigid, holds its shape, completely smooth to the touch, yet the material appears to be highly pliable and thin, like parchment. Seeing as it’s Mr. Kromrad’s property, I didn’t open it, so I am leaving it in your care for now.

Reginald

Mr. Kromrad,

I did as you had requested and stayed in your home for a few days. While nothing seemed strange at first, come last night, I thought I heard something. So I went looking, yet found nothing. I’m not entirely sure what it sounded like, but it was enough to catch my ear in the dead of night. I don’t know any of if this helps assuage or reinforce any concerns. I hope that you return in better spirits, however.

Claire

Lyle,

I had expected you would have returned by now. I already sent Claire home, so I’ve taken over watch of the estate. She mentioned something about an unidentified noise prior to my arrival. I am just leaving this note to let you know that I encountered nothing out of the ordinary during my stay. I am equal parts glad and sorry.

Giuseppe

Dear Dr. Ainsley,

Our mutual patient, Mr. Lyle Kromrad, seems to be suffering from an acute paranoia and hallucinations tied to his home environment. I have prescribed him something to dull the anxiety, so I wanted to make you aware should there be any side effects. Hopefully, his fears will pass with continued exposure over time to his new environment. I never expected to come across a case of ranidaphobia.

Pass my regards on to your family,
Siegward Freund

Giuseppe,

I have opened the strange box marked “Braven” and found another of these curious noisemakers. Perhaps using it in conjunction with its sibling will produce a greater calming effect. This second one even came with a piece of parchment, covered in arcane symbols. It looks to be instructions of some kind. There are many words, however, that I am unfamiliar with. The objects both emit a strange crackling at times. I would fear they are some eldritch medium, but the effect they have seems pleasantly benign. I’ve left this one with you, as it seems like there are more of these in the house than I’d initially thought.

Lyle

Claire,

I am in need of petroleum wax from the pharmacy. Please bring it at your earliest convenience.

Thank you, again, for watching the estate in my absence.

Lyle

Sir Kromrad,

They think you are hiding something out at Braven, something you did not report upon re-entering the country. Your good favor with the officials has bought time but I’m afraid that favor is waning. What did you take from Jemdet Nasr? Please get back to me, I am trying to help you for heaven’s sake!

Bodgebottom

Mr. Kromrad,

Ever since I stayed at the estate, I have felt this unease, as though I am being followed. I am not sure what it is, but I don’t think I can continue as your assistant.

I apologize, and hope that your recovery continues. I have left the wax as you had requested.

Claire

Giuseppe,

Meet me in the study. Urgent.

Lyle

Bodgebottom,

I’m sorry, old friend, but I’ve mucked things up well this time. I fear I don’t have much time left in this world. I am afflicted by something, something I can not very well describe. I will be drafting a will. The estate and its contents will be passed on to my grandson, Lyle, if my time truly is short.

Let the officials investigate. What I brought back, what followed me back from Sumer, they will not find.

Regards,
Sir Kromrad

Mr. Lyle Kromrad,

I have not heard from you in some time. Has there been any change in your condition since meeting with Dr. Freund? I checked our records, and it seems that you have not requested any further medication.

Please get back to me at your earliest convenience.

Dr. Ainsley

Claire,

I’m sorry to bother you, but could you tell me, how long have you known Giuseppe?

Lyle

Kromrad,

What is going on? I just received word that the inspectors sent to your estate were turned away. A man named Giuseppe met them at the gate and chased them off. The bloody hell is happening?

Bodgebottom

Mr. Kromrad,

I think I’ve known him all my life. He’s a friend of my parents. I think they worked together or something. Although, maybe it was more recent? I’m sorry, I’m afraid my memory might be failing me. Everything is so hazy.

It’s strange, really, but ever since I stayed at the estate, I’ve had this thought at the back of my head.

That maybe I never knew him at all?

Claire

Bodgebottom,

I want to make this abundantly clear, and perhaps now you will understand why I act so cautiously.

There is no one by the name of Giuseppe in my employ.

Send the inspectors again.

Kromrad

Giuseppe,

According to some receipts I found at the estate, there should be a copy of some correspondence between my grandfather and a shipping company called The Rutledge Brothers. Would you happen to know where those are?

Lyle

Dear David and Matthew,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’ll cut to the chase. I am in desperate need of assistance in offloading some priceless goods outside the country. I remembered hearing that your Rutledge Brothers company was doing well the last time we met all those years ago. I am particularly interested in the Middle East Handling branch. These items must go back to Jemdet Nasr as soon as possible. They are already packed and easy to transport. I would do so myself, but I find myself unable to travel for the time being. I will pay you handsomely.

Please, get back to me as soon as you can.

Regards,
Sir Mophie Kromrad

Lyle,

I’m afraid not,

Giuseppe

Dr. Ainsley,

I am very well. In fact, I think I may be cured. No need to follow-up. Give my thanks to Freund.

Sincerely,
Mr. Lyle Kromrad

Giuseppe,

Records show that there should be some other items from Sumer in the estate on top of these Braven boxes. Something my grandfather called eye-frogs and halos and cubes? I thought you’d said my grandfather never spoke of frogs previously. Do you know where these items were stored?

Lyle

Lyle,

Your grandfather had many secrets. I wouldn’t put it past him to have found a special room to store these items. If you wish, I can come by and assist you in your search for them.

Giuseppe

Giuseppe,

No need to come by yet, but I thank you for all your help.

Lyle

Mr. Kromrad,

I was still thinking about what I said in my last letter. The sense that something was wrong wouldn’t leave my head, so today I decided to ask my mother about Giuseppe and she gave me the strangest look. It was like she’d forgotten him completely. I tried to remind her with some details, and we recovered some memories, but it really is odd. I thought we were all so close, but maybe it was all a dream? I can’t tell anymore. Sorry for rambling.

Claire

Giuseppe,

I think I found the missing items. There was a basement, far deeper than even the cellar. The journey was enough to leave me with shallow breaths, but I fear my illness never quite went away.

There are many more of the items than I’d anticipated. Strangely enough, the room also seems to have been a stockpile of TNT. It makes sense, to store it so far down and away from any open flames, but the pairing of it with priceless goods strikes me as odd nonetheless.

I’ve resumed contact with the Rutledge Brothers. They will collect them in the following days. Perhaps you would like to come by and see?

Lyle

Lyle,

Wonderful news! Perhaps I will come by some time, but I do not know that I will make it before these Rutledge Brothers do.

For, while I admit I am invested in this whole investigation, this truly has been your search for answers, your burden to bear.

If you would like to show me these eye-frogs and halos, or would like to discuss things further, however, you know where to find me.

Giuseppe

Giuseppe,

I’ll admit, I’ve been dishonest these past few notes. Even now I debated keeping this charade going, but I’m sure you understand why I have decided to drop it.

I stopped by your cottage to confront you on some unclear matters, only to find it empty. In fact, it was as if you’d never been there. How strange.

When you return. If you return. If you ever actually left.

Please tell me. Who are you really.

Lyle

I am

a lie

I am

the truth

I am the forebear, the witness,

And I am what follows

I am this plague of frogs, their eyes in the dark

I am the speakers of the cosmos

I am the halo that binds all reality together

The iris to your pupil, yet I am endless,

For I am ZAGG’SOTHOTH

And you

You are finite, Mr. Kromrad.