The Tragedy of Darth Goofus the Very Unwise

Compiled in case anyone was interested in the full chronicles.

Have you ever heard the Tragedy of Darth Goofus the Very Unwise?
—
I thought not. It isn’t the sort of story you would hear from the Jedi. It’s ironic, really. You pitch them an easy ball like this and they won’t even swing. You’d think they’d be all over clowning on Darth Goofus for centuries, but here we are.

Now, onto the Tragedy of Darth Goofus the Very Unwise…

Goofus came from a humble upbringing.

But, in truth, his family was loaded. Ruthless trade barons in the Outer Rim. Literally owned several moons. Probably a planet or two. But Goofus, he liked to play it off as if he had come from a humble background. Was the assertion somehow strategic, was he so naïve, or was he simply that kind of asshole?

We do not know for certain.

Anyway, there was a Sith Lord who sought an apprentice. His name has been lost to time…

It was his own decision, really, to erase it. Whatever he’d done before Goofus, it was all outweighed by his subsequent shame. A shame so great, he’d rather disassociate entirely. For all intents and purposes, if we did know his name, surely history would solely recall that Darth Goofus was this moron’s fault.

The Sith Lord arrived on Goofus’ home planet, sensing something very powerful at play. An incredibly Force-sensitive youth. He was sure of it. Convincing the estate’s guards with a little mind trickery, he was allowed entrance. Like a dowsing rod that actually worked and wasn’t a bunch of malarkey, he wandered the lavish halls on his own, searching…

Until he came upon two boys. One, a servant.

The other, Goofus, in the flesh.

In hindsight, it was highly likely that the servant boy attending to the wild-eyed Goofus was in fact the person the Sith Lord had sought out. But rather than the humble, downtrodden youth, he felt certain that Goofus was the one. Yes, he could see it all in his face. His big dumb face.

There was a lack of restraint. Emotional volatility. Scholars would describe it quite eloquently as, “Bad vibes in general, bro.”

The Sith do not deal in hindsight. They make their beds, and by the stars, they will sleep in them whether or not the bed is literally on fire. Perhaps such an experience would only serve to strengthen them overall.

His decision here, however, would generally be agreed upon by future scholars to be a massive blunder.

The Sith Lord asked the troubled young man, “Tell me. What is it you are feeling right now?”

“Unimaginable grief,” he replied with a barely contained passion and an intensely brooding gaze. “Immeasurable rage.”

The Sith Lord smiled. “Excellent. And where do such strong emotions stem from?”

“I got cancelled online for saying Rakata heads look like dicks.”

“They even banned my account…” the petulant young man grumbled, tossing his device against the wall. “Now how am I supposed to leave thoughtful comments under photos of my Twi’lek baddies?”

The servant boy chimed in, “Have you considered an alt account, m’lord?”

“Fool!” He backhand slapped the boy across his face. “I’ll have to rebuild my entire follower base from scratch! Do you know how hard it is to be taken seriously by women in this galaxy with anything less than a 1,000?”

“I am not really sure what you are talking about,” the old Sith Lord commented. “But I heard the word ‘baddies,’ so you’re in.”

Indeed. It was decided then and there. This guy would be his apprentice.

The one who would become Goofus brought his new Sith master to a large and opulent star yacht parked outside.

It is said that the Sith Lord uttered the following words upon seeing the luxurious vessel:

“He’s definitely compensating for something.”

The Sith Lord had imparted the following to him early in his apprenticeship:

“The way of the Sith is hidden in the shadows. Out of sight. Biding our time as complex machinations centuries in the making unfold, until the path before us is clear. The path of utter conquest.”

His apprentice had said in turn, “But if I wanted to, you know, hook up with someone maybe, I can tell them I’m a Sith, right? It’s cool? To get them interested?”

The master merely replied, “No.”

He would do it anyway.

The one who would become Goofus allegedly displayed many callous idiosyncrasies, as expected in a future Sith Lord.

In systems where individuals were expected to tip their attendants, he wholeheartedly refused. When asked about it, he is reported to have stated that he “never had to tip people back home.”

It would later be found that tipping had been, in fact, the norm in his home system at the time.

The one who would become Goofus had a tendency to peek inside a room, when he hoped no one was watching, before entering.

After quickly surveying its occupants and ducking out, the Sith apprentice was said to go through an ancient, ritualistic process of “psyching himself up.” This would include jogging in place for a few seconds, stretching his neck in a circle a few times, several deep breaths, positive affirmations, and a primal grunt. After all this, he would stomp inside with his chin held high, chest pushed out, and a some degree of Force manipulation making his garments billow impressively in a non-existent wind.

It is said that in actuality, no one was very impressed at all.

In a bar, he once asked a Togruta how he wore a space helmet. The Togruta, confused, looked at him and asked, “Why?”

They sat in an awkward silence as each came to the simultaneous realization that space helmets, in truth, had very little use in this universe outside of military uniforms and the signifying of badasses. This is despite there being many individuals piloting fighter spacecraft with particularly exposed cockpits.

While it may have been considered a more civilized age, safety considerations never really improved over time.

The one who would become Goofus decided that he, like seemingly every other badass in the universe, needed his own iconic full-face helmet.

Sources say he did in fact find one at some point in his training. He wore it for a time, but not long. It would seem that despite the helmet having quite the appropriate sinister and iconic appearance, nobody could hear anything he was saying.

To be fair, not being able to hear him likely would have made him more intimidating in the long run.

Despite being the result of a botched mission to find a strong force-sensitive individual to train, the one who would become Goofus did present some aptitude with the Force. Enough that he might be trained, to a degree at least.

The Sith Lord would try to train him, to less than stellar results. He would cope with his initial mistake by reasoning that maybe, just maybe, it was because Goofus could not yet tap into the full well of his power. Perhaps in a time of great need, or a particularly fateful moment, his untold power may manifest.

He would unfortunately hold onto this belief until the end of his days.

It was said that the apprentice, as a demonstration of his devotion, severed his own finger and burnt it as an offering in a Sith temple on Exegol.

After reviewing other records, scholars discovered that he had merely gotten his finger stuck in a blast door while distracted.

It would be only the first of many mechanical replacements he would acquire over time.

The Sith Lord introduced his apprentice to the lightsaber. An elegant weapon. Precise, deadly, and difficult to wield without proper training and awareness. It could even block most other energy weapons.

“You’re telling me there are these blades out there made of almost weightless plasma that can both deflect blaster shots and melt everything else?”

“Correct,” the Sith Lord had replied.

“Then why don’t we have, like, armor made of this stuff? Or cover entire ships in it? Seems like you’d be frickin’ invincible, right?!”

“I believe such a use would be… unwise,” his master had advised to him. This would not deter Goofus the Unwise from future “experiments.”

The Sith Lord taught him the mechanics of the blade. “The lightsaber is powered by a crystal here in the hilt. This crystal will control its length, strength, and other attributes.”

“Ah,” his apprentice had said in fascination. He then asked, wearing an astute expression, “Is it like a JO crystal?”

“A what?” the Sith Lord had inquired, likely with great hesitance.

“Because those can power up your length and strength too,” the apprentice had winked. “If you know what I mean.”

It can be assumed that his master did not, in fact, know what he meant.

“It is the nature of the Sith to use a red lightsaber.”

“Hm.”

“Do you have a problem with that?”

“No, no. Red’s great. Good choice.”

“Well then, let’s-“

“But, just hear me out. Aren’t there any more, I don’t know, unique colors out there? I wanna stand out. I wanna have them see me switch this baby on and take a few steps back like whoa.”

“They will likely do that regardless of what color it is.”

“It should send a message, though. Like, people know, don’t mess with this guy when they see the red already. But is there like a black one, maybe? Now that’d be badass.”

The Sith Lord would, for the remainder of his life, do everything in his power to prevent his apprentice from learning of the Darksaber.

“Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth-“ the nameless Sith Lord began.

“Wait, what?! I don’t even get to choose?” his apprentice interjected.

“It is tradition that the master should bestow a title upon their apprentice,” replied the Sith Lord.

“But what if you pick something lame? I don’t want to deal with that crap for the rest of my life! I should at least get, I don’t know, a veto or something!”

“Out of the question.”

“Okay… Okay, fine. You can choose something. Just don’t expect me to answer to it!”

“You know what? Because you’re being such a prick about this, I dub you Darth Goofus,” the Sith Lord said. “That’s right! Congratulations, Darth Goofus! You’re gonna go down in history.”

“Oh, you messed-up, old-“

“It is done!”

Despite his initial objections, Darth Goofus would essentially come to accept his title. Not by conscious choice, mind you. He just seemed to naturally respond whenever called upon by that name. It was as if he couldn’t help himself. The man was truly, utterly incapable of playing it cool or letting it die.

It was simply destiny.

Goofus, during a particularly eventful Glitterstim trip, attempted to “infuse his essence” into his lightsaber through highly questionable and inappropriate means. He claimed to do so in an attempt to “become one with his blade.”

Goofus would receive another mechanical body part replacement shortly after.

During a lesson on offensive applications of the Force, the nameless Sith Lord made the mistake of demonstrating Force lightning to his apprentice. The apprentice asked of him, “Master, can you control the intensity?”

The master replied, “With discipline.”

Nodding, the apprentice then asked a question that would plague his master’s thoughts for some time.

“Can it be used on yourself?”

He answered honestly, and his apprentice posed no further questions on the technique, something which the nameless Sith Lord had found at the time both relieving and deeply concerning.

“The Jedi have a prophecy,” his master once told him. “They believe that there will be someone in the future who will bring balance to the Force…”

“That sounds alright.”

“By destroying the Sith,” he continued.

“Oh,” said Goofus, somewhat perturbed. “Well that doesn’t seem very balanced.”

“I know, right?” He tossed Goofus a beer.

“They want to exterminate us? Just for being Sith?”

“That they do,” replied the master, taking a swig of his own drink. 

“And here I thought the Jedi were supposed to be tolerant!”

“Not if you’re us,” his master sighed, sliding back in his throne made of polished bone. “Supposedly we’re the bad guys.”

Darth Goofus once attempted to open a can of soda using his lightsaber. To do so, he directed the saber downward from presumably a very precise height, intending to cut the top like a can opener.

Goofus would receive another mechanical body part replacement shortly after.

Following implementation of The Rule of Two, the machinations of the Sith became more subtle and longterm in nature. Lords would set regions of the galaxy up for falls to corruption and unrest countless years down the line. An idea beneficial to eventual Sith conquest might be planted in a populace to fester and grow until it becomes part of their very identity. Important figures were assassinated or martyred by their hand. Wars were instigated and won.

The nameless Sith Lord was said to have influenced the course of dozens of systems in his life. His apprentice, unwieldy and ridiculous as he was, proved to be a surprisingly useful tool when it came to agitating a group of people. He was perhaps even too good at it.

In an age where secrecy was one of the Sith’s greatest concerns, one might find the existence of Darth Goofus troubling. The man was utterly incapable of not oversharing and a total braggart.

Fortunately, in terms of this at least, Goofus would be somewhat of a boon.

The Sith apprentice was so petulant and absurd that nobody took his claims about himself seriously. No matter what he was caught saying or doing, the Sith at large remained nothing but a rumor and a myth within the public consciousness. He was perhaps even the greatest Sith to hide in plain sight until the arrival of Darth Sidious.

While the Sith have been known for their use of the Force to choke enemies from a distance, the nameless Sith Lord never taught his apprentice of this technique. Despite its ubiquity among Sith adherents, he feared not the damage his careless apprentice might wreak upon others so much as the… unorthodox ways said apprentice may attempt to use it.

Over time, the nameless Sith Lord considered having Goofus replaced as an apprentice. The thought was not all that uncommon among the masters that preceded him or those that followed. If they were to grow tired of their current apprentice, they may take on another in secret, or find a more skilled candidate. Eventually a time would come where the two apprentices would be manipulated to fight each other. Whoever won would continue their apprenticeship, only to later face replacement again or usurp the title of master.

Unfortunately for him, most of his candidates would meet with untimely, strange, and perhaps to a degree comedic ends. The universe or something would simply not let him escape his greatest sin.

Darth Goofus conducted a raid on a Jedha kyber crystal mine utilizing a mercenary company he’d intended to pay in exposure. The raid was a success, and he managed to slip away from the scene with plenty of crystals prior to the capture of his mercenaries. With his spoils, he set to work crafting an armor for himself, one that would capitalize on the near-weightless nature of a lightsaber’s blade coupled with its ability to cut through metal and deflect blaster shots. He would tinker on this pet project for some time, until he developed a working prototype for use on his left arm.

Goofus would receive another mechanical body part replacement shortly after.

His master once asked him, unprompted, “Do you know why the Jedi hate us?”

Goofus thought for a moment, recalling everything he knew of the Sith and the Jedi up to that point. The differences in their teachings. Their traditions. Their philosophies. He inevitably arrived at a singular conclusion.

He replied, “Because they can’t get laid.”

It is said that Darth Goofus often disguised himself as an intersystem pilot, taking travelers from destination to destination for a fee. Many suspected that this role was merely a cover for his clandestine travels while he enacted the dark will of his master.

In actuality, Goofus had finally been cut off by his parents. Funds were drying up, and according to him, Sith Lordship doesn’t “pay like I think it used to.”

Darth Goofus encountered his first Jedi face-to-face on Coruscant. Instinct should have told him it was a bad idea to engage at that time. He should have felt it in the Force, insensitive as he was. Against any better judgment, however, the bold Sith Lord decided to confront them head-on.

“Sorry, but I won’t go out with you,” she’d said, politely apologetic.

“Why?” he asked with some frustration.

She raised an eyebrow and drew his attention to the lightsaber on her hip. “Because… I’m a Jedi?”

“But… you’re hot?”

It can be safely assumed Goofus did not score that day.

Goofus, heavily drunk, once found a gorgeous Mirialan in a bar asking around for information on a powerful Sith Lord rumored to be instigating conflict in a nearby system.

“Oh yeah, he’s super powerful,” he replied with a wink, in truth referring to himself.

“You know of him?”

“Um, yeah, I do,” Goofus admitted, obviously trying to impress her despite maintaining what he likely thought was a chill and laidback demeanor. “Why, you wanna meet him? I can, you know, get you an audience if you want.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We’re totally cool.”

It was with this encounter that Goofus literally told a Jedi Knight the location of his master’s secret sanctum.

“And because of you, I have to deal with the Jedi again!” The nameless Sith Lord paced back and forth in the atrium, gesticulating wildly. “At my own house, no less!”

“I’m sorry, okay!” Goofus had called from off to the side, less apologetic and more I-said-sorry-so-you-can-stop-talking. “She used mind tricks on me,” he added, unconvincingly.

“Right,” his master sighed with exasperation. “Ugh, when’s the last time I’ve even had to fend these jerks off? And what are you doing?”

“Showering!” Goofus called out, the sound of running water suddenly audible.

“Make it quick! They could show up at any moment.” The sound of the water cut off as he presumably shut the door. “Unbelievable.”

…and the remaining Jedi watched, having already resigned themselves to dying that day knowing that at least they had fought valiantly, as a man, unclothed and sopping wet, likely an abused prisoner or servant of the Sith Lord, ran into the atrium at a full sprint. Wild and desperate in countenance, he approached the enemy with an unnatural speed before diving forward. In an instant, he fell to the ground and in so doing threw his hands outwards. One grasped the leg of the bewildered Sith.

The Jedi saw the Sith Lord turn toward the naked man in a fury, doubtless prepared to finish off his former prisoner. It was at that moment that Master Kiad saw the sparks begin to take shape at the Sith Lord’s fingertips, and in both an act of heroism and capitalizing on the opportunity afforded them, he threw his lightsaber. Guided unwaveringly by the Force, the blade flew straight and true and hit its mark, piercing the chest of the enemy.

The nameless Sith Lord staggered two steps backward, staring at the silvery hilt of the saber in disbelief. He would then glare at the valiant, unclothed hero with immeasurable hatred, a powerful and damning gaze that would haunt the dreams of all those present for some time after. Finally, the Sith Lord’s cold heart gave out, and he fell lifeless to the floor.

Thus the Sith threat was snuffed out for a time, vanquished by those brave Jedi and the unlikely assistance of one who had no doubt suffered greatly at that maligned spirit’s hands.

It was discovered, post mortem, that in addition to the obvious lightsaber wound, the Sith Lord had been suffering from something like a cardiac arrest moments before. Markings on the skin of his leg upwards indicated that a jolt of electricity may have been the cause. However, the only electricity observed in that moment had appeared to be in the process of coming from the Sith Lord’s own hands. A strange conundrum that left those analyzing the body at the time puzzled but was ultimately deemed unnecessary for further investigation.

The naked vigilante disappeared following the encounter, supposedly never to be seen again.

Darth Goofus had in an instant become the last Sith standing. All because he slid on a pool of water while using the Force to rush out of the shower stall.

In a way, he did take the life of his master, as most lords did before him. However, the incident was wholly unplanned, and Goofus himself was wholly unprepared to bear the burden of his new position. So many schemes were out there, centuries in the making, that he wasn’t aware of. He even considered not telling every attractive woman he met that he’s a Sith Lord “for the clout.”

Ultimately, he decided that said clout was definitely worth the risk.

Darth Goofus allegedly tried to pick up women using mind tricks on several occasions. According to all known records, however, his persuasion was only successful with a single individual, despite numerous attempts.

It was later confirmed that scholars had counted Goofus persuading himself in the mirror each night before going out that this technique was definitely going to work.

Early in his tenure as the sole Sith Lord in the galaxy, Goofus the Unwise considered setting up various enterprises on planets in the hope that one day they might “take off.” One such enterprise involved an ice cream parlor franchise for extra income, localized to a world he foresaw as one day being prime real estate. This world was the lush Outer Rim world of Hoth, which had much of its land up for grabs at the time.

Hoth would enter an ice age that would last at least a century shortly after.