The intro letter

Hey, Joe here, your friendly warehouse manager. Or, at least that was my position… until today. See, just a few moments ago I took on a new role. Some might say CEO. Some my say overlord. Either way, the point is: I’m in charge now!

You’re probably wondering, how does someone get promoted from warehouse manager straight to head honcho with no formal business training? Well, for starters, you see the stuff we sell around here, right? I sure do! And in the warehouse, I also see all the stuff we don’t sell. So let’s tap the breaks on the whole ‘business acumen being a job requirement’ thing.

But to answer the question: you don’t get promoted. You do some modifications on some drones, and you feed some Roombas the hair follicles you snatched from the executive restrooms, and next thing you know, you got a fine-tuned robot army primed to overthrow whoever you want.

But enough about that. I don’t want today to be grim. No sir. I want want to have some fun, share some great deals, and maybe pitch a few of my ideas for the future of Meh.

Oh, also: look out for some dolls. Seriously. I will be selling a number of my most beautiful dolls throughout the day.

So stick around, it should be interesting.

All the deals and their write-ups

Hmmm, this one might have those thumbtacks made of pigeon bones that we found behind a pallet of bug spray that one time.

Or maybe just the normal garbage.

This one’s name is Annie Bell. Annie Bell is a real sweet heart. She volunteers at the animal shelter and on her car she has a bumper sticker that reads, “Who rescued who?”

And it really is an open question. Did she rescue the evil spirit from the body of the dog in which it had been condemned? Or did the witch rescue her, by imprisoning her soul in a doll, where it could enjoy an eternal life?

Here’s a philosophical quandary: you look at Scare Bear and naturally, you’re afraid. Because that’s one scary looking bear. But consider this, should you be more afraid of Scare Bear? Or whatever did this to Scare Bear?

It’s a trick question. You should be scared of them both.

See? Isn’t this funny? It looks like one of those things that keeps the ferret jerky fresh!

I mean, beef. Keeps the beef jerky fresh. I’ve never heard of ferret jerky, and definitely don’t know a guy who could get you some.

Here’s a thing I’m thinking about changing: no more “shipping”; instead we’ll offer only “true shipping.”

Meaning, we will only ship our items using actual ships. Sure, it limits our reach, but think about all the riverboat captain jobs it would create!

This is a change I’m going to make in the office: pillows everywhere, to make it feel more comfortable!

But, Joe, you’re probably thinking, How will your employees walk around without falling over if every inch of every surface is covered in pillows?

That’s the thing: if they fall, it’ll just be into a bunch of pillows! This is called innovation, people.

You know Bob Ross is a real inspiration to me in my doll-making. Can you see it?

Oh, sorry, I should clarify: I watch Bob Ross backwards, in slow motion, and with the colors inverted.

Can you see it now?

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We once found a box of what looked like gemstones but were really the petrified eyes of long extinct lizards behind a pallet of caffeinated gum. Some of those might’ve made it into these IRKs.

Or maybe it’s just the normal garbage.

All these candles really make me want to share a spooky story…

Okay, so it was a night very much like tonight. Only, there was a major thunder storm going on.

I was working late on, finishing up some paperwork, when I heard a noise.

So I got up from my desk and went looking to see what it was.

And that’s when my light lit upon AN ENORMOUS BEAR-CREATURE WITH HUGE GLOWING RED EYES!

Anyway, that’s Curtis. Curtis has worked nights at the warehouse ever since he escaped from a biotech company down the street. Apparently they were designing him to be the weapon of the future. But, seriously, Curtis is about as feisty as a family Labrador.

So I said, “Curtis, was there just a noise? I thought I heard something out here in the warehouse.”

And Curtis looked at me with his glowing red eyes and said, “What warehouse? This isn’t a warehouse, Joe. Never has been.”

Sorry, I should’ve mentioned that Curtis lives here in the warehouse and doesn’t like it when people call it such. He thinks it’s a bit demeaning to his home.

So I said, “Sorry, did you hear something out here in your home?”

And Curtis said, “Yeah, it was coming from over there. Through that door.” And he pointed.

And I said, “Curtis there hasn’t been a door over there in thirty years…”

And Curtis said, “Oh, no, sorry,” and he adjusted the direction he was pointing. “Not the old bricked over door. The one next to it.”

And I said, “Oh right.” So we went to investigate and you know what we found?

The noise was just a pair of bluetooth earbuds that had turned on. They were playing a Beatles song backwards. Not sure from where but we turned them off and each went back to what we were doing.

Guess it’s not that spooky of a story after all.

This one’s name is Marie.

You might think Marie looks scary, but after a while, you barely notice how she looks. Because you’ll be too concerned about the constant screaming that emerges from her unmoving porcelain mouth.

Weird that they didn’t call these “Elon’s Musk,” right?

Anyway, I tried to use one of these in the warehouse but it was a total disaster. Nobody got any work done. Instead, everyone just sat around all day building space ships. Pathetic!

Ah, this is perfect for me. I’m a total introvert. In fact, just look at me here, acting all introverted and subtle:

So, couple years ago, when we were looking for a box of back-up cams, we found an old satchel containing several books whose covers were ‘made from the skin of nonbelievers.’ (That’s according to a card we found in the satchel.) I read a couple passages out of one of them and ever since then, every time I drink coffee, I have a vision of a hellish future. Anyway, those might be in here.

Or maybe it’s just the normal garbage.

If you’re a normal person, this would be a great addition to your next Halloween costume!

If you’re a person like me, this would make a great addition to the outfit you plan on wearing to work on, say, next Thursday.

This one’s name is Jeanie… in a lamp.

Funny story about Jeanie: there was once a young governess who got a job at a remote country estate, taking care of a strange pale child. The child would always say things like, ‘She’s watching,’ but the young governess didn’t know who the child was referring to. Well, one day something quite terrifying happened: the young governess got caught stealing dolls. Like this one. Which she gave to me to do one of my creepy doll projects with!

Okay, update on the no electricity at night thing: I had to jury-rig the servers to run off my car battery. So, sorry if the site’s loading a little slow. This is something you don’t think about out in the warehouse, all the servers and stuff.

But we still have more candles!

This one’s name is Agatha.

There are times when Agatha will look at you, and you’ll swear that you see a twinkle in our cold, lifeless glass eyes–the twinkle of murderous delight. But don’t call anyone for help. There’s nothing to worry about! And by ‘there’s nothing to worry about,’ I mean, ‘there’s nothing you can do to prevent what’s about to happen, so don’t waste your final moments worrying.’

I know what you’re thinking: Lil Lucy looks like the devil herself! But I beg you: don’t be so judgmental.

She’s merely dealing with a very bad sun tan right now. And the “horns” are part of a rare condition that afflicts one in every billion children. And her ability to levitate and spin her head fully around should be CELEBRATED!

This one’s name is Frankie.

Frankie comes from all the way down in Hell. By which we mean, he’s from Hell, Arizona. And actually it’s pronounced Hey-all, by the way.

It’s likely that you’ll see Oozy Suzy and think: what’s gotten into her? But that’s not the big question.

No, the big question is: what’s slowly oozing out of her? And follow up: how is it so incredibly hot to the touch?

Fine, I’ve flipped the power back on. Turns out an entirely candle-lit office isn’t as easy as it sounds. Plus, it was making for a bit of a spooky atmosphere. The sentient bluetooth speakers were really having a field day, creeping me out!

Oh, you didn’t know that one in ever ten bluetooth speakers we get in has gained sentience and learned human emotions? Yeah, that’s common knowledge around the warehouse. We do our best to weed them out and keep them around here, but occasionally one slips through, out into the world.

Uh, probably not the one you bought from us that one time, though. Yeah, uh, no need to worry about that!

So you get some Mophie mini power banks. You get some KN95 masks. You get some TrackR Pixels with batteries. You get two wireless charging pads. You get two sets of Xtreme sound sidekick earbuds. And you get a three-pack of some putty.

Why group it all together? Because I’m tired of seeing it in the warehouse, that’s why.

This one’s name is Jacqueline. She enjoys light jazz and days spent in the park, weaving baskets that she donates to basket-less families throughout the city.

Also, if you look directly into her eyes, legend has it, what you see reflected will be the view from a coffin. Specifically, the one you’ll be buried in.

Honestly, I thought about taking this stuff home and using it for a tea party with all my dolls. But they’re not always great with the fine China. By which I mean, they like to break the mugs and then knife-fight with the shards.

It can get… dangerous.

We once found a whole pallet of disco balls that, when spun, would reflect light in such a way as to project the entirety of the original Michael Keaton Batman movie onto a wall. Those might be in this IRK.

Or, it might be the normal garbage.

With this many of these, you’ve got enough ports to charge the phone of every doll in your mini van!

I mean, hypothetically speaking… you know… if you had a mini van full of dolls who all had phones.

One item I’ve seen move pretty well in the warehouse? Bidets. So maybe could transition into being a bidet-only ecommerce site. But don’t worry: we’d still keep the format.

You could call it… a bideal-a-bidet site!

Eh?

You know those iFrogz headphones we sell? Those might be in here, but probably not. You know the iFrog–Apple’s failed attempt to break into the smart amphibian market? Those definitely won’t be in here, because the one shipment we got into the warehouse, all the iFrogs escaped.

You know the normal garbage that’s usually in these IRKs? That stuff will definitely probably be in here.

People seem to really like these Meh branded items. Honestly, I don’t get it. But then again, they’re just not my style. What is my style? Something a bit more like this:

This one’s name is Lady Beth.

Lady Beth likes her friends like she likes her steaks: pumped full of embalming fluid.

We got these posters to teach the sentient bluetooth speakers around the warehouse to respect the “delicate machine that is the human body.” Only problem is, those things learn fast. And now they can speak to each other in a language all their own, a mashup of English and Hindi that no one in the warehouse has come remotely close to learning. We’re a little concerned they’re conspiring against us.

Anyway, these posters are fun, right?

Doesn’t it kind of look like the zombie heads are having ideas? Ha! Makes you wonder, what could they be thinking?

(It’s “brains.” They’re definitely thinking “brains.”)

The problem is, I want to offer cool weird stuff all day, but jeez, I know better than anyone just how much normal stuff there is to unload. Like, these web cams, for example. I wish I could be selling another doll right now, but we need to move these to make room for the big shipment of cam webs. Which, of course, are webs that’ll catch your web cam if it tries to escape.

You think you don’t need one, but these suckers can really run fast.

This one’s name is Izzy Bordin.

Every now and then you’ll swear Izzy Bordin winked at you. But don’t worry! She’s not actually winking! She just learning human behavior.

This is another exciting change I’m implementing around here: we’re going to build a big garage door so taco trucks can drive right into the building and serve lunch.

What about exhaust, you say? Honestly, ever since someone accidentally microwaved a bunch of coffee pods for an hour, any smell–noxious or otherwise–is an improvement.

Here’s something: Casual Wednesday Fridays!

Basically, one Friday a month, everyone dresses like a very relaxed and casual Wednesday Addams.

Personally, I don’t know why we’re selling this goofy-looking thing. I mean, could you imagine leaving the house with something as silly as this on? Ridiculous! Seriously people, show some dignity.

Oh, btw, here’s me as a creepy cartoon bunny:

There was one time where we found a box of bright orange spiders. We weren’t sure if they were inventory, or just a bunch of spiders in the box. But, either way, we’ve made a point to put one in every package we’ve shipped out since. Call it a freebie! And if you haven’t found the spider we’ve sent you, don’t worry! We’re sure it’s in your house somewhere! Anyway, there might be a few of those little guys in this IRK.

Or maybe it’s just the normal garbage.

This one’s name is Vicky.

They say, that if you stand in front of a mirror and say her name three times, her face will appear! But, that’s only if she’s set up on a shelf that’s reflected in the mirror.

This is great art to hang on your wall right now, as it’ll be the perfect thing for when you start hosting parties and get-togethers again. Seriously, they’re great conversation starters, as they raise interesting questions such as, “Oh, jeez! What the fuck ARE those things?” And “Yikes, what the hell happened to you in self-isolation?!”

Seriously, look at these things! They’re delightful little book ends.

I use them at my place on either side of my various books of spell-- cookbooks. Let’s go with cookbooks.

What if, instead of selling people things, we sent them things they didn’t order? And then we sent them an invoice for those things later? And then, if they didn’t send a check, we’d send them one of my dolls?

Seems like they’d pay at that point.

This one’s name is Pandora. See that box? That’s Pandora’s box. Whatever you do, don’t open that box.

Anyway, it’s really too bad what happened to Pandora. Went in for a facelift, and there was… well… a bit of a misunderstanding.

People seem to really like these Meh branded. Honestly, I don’t get it. But then again, they’re just not my style. What is my style? Something a bit more like this:

Alright. This might be it. This very well might be the last IRK of the day. So get it if you can.

Okay, this is definitely the last IRK. After this, we might not have another one to offer for the rest of the day. Seriously.

Okay, I know I said this on the last two, but THIS is very likely the last IRK of the day!

Really, though: this is the last IRK of the day. I promise this time.

Really, though: this is the last IRK of the day. I promise this time.

Okay, but actually, after this one, there really won’t be another IRK… until later.

A change I’m going to make: no more copy machines or printers. Instead, we’ll hire a team of scribes, like they did in ancient times. Every time you want to print or copy something, you have to put in a written ticket with the scribe department.

Sure, it sounds like it’d be more expensive than having a machine do it. But think about it: with how few scribe positions there are these days, all those kids that majored in Scribery at UT are probably DYING for ANY job. We could even call it an unpaid internship!

To Be Continued…