How to age 20 years in 20 minutes

@Barney Wow, what a story! Glad to hear Little Lady is bringing her so much happiness!

@ELUNO Yep, I am now daughter Number 3, right behind Lady (Number 1) and Little Lady (Number 2).

@Barney

@Eluno that is a good place to be!

@CaptAmehrican All prayers are gladly accepted.

@brhfl I’m doing that “taking things one day at a time” thing, and trying not to go crazy.

@RiotDemon Yeah, that seems to happen a lot around here.

@sligett You’re welcome.

@jsimsace Hey, good to hear from you. I got the shed painted and I didn’t fall off the ladder!

@daveinwarsh For now, yes. She’s getting great care.

Mom’s never cared much for purple, but I’ll take all of the purple I can get.

Thanks, @SSteve.

@RiotDemon Amazing well. It’s been dipped in food, dropped on the floor many times, and has gone flying through the air and smashing into Mom’s targets when she’s angry (I’ve been one of them).

I’m now very glad that this a smaller size than I wanted. She takes it to almost all of her meals and she tucks it next to her, under the covers, at night. Little Lady fits in a perfect little space, next to her, in her wheel chair. They watch a lot of TV together.

We done good!

@Barney I’m glad it ended up working out better. It seems that it’s helping her deal not having the real Lady all the time.

@Pavlov well… Yes if you just read the subject. Otherwise… Inapprops dude

@unksol @Barney

I had written much more after the opening attempted levity; it appears I truncated my message when I edited it to include the second emoji.

I didn’t notice the error and that’s on me.

My sincere apologies for any appearance of insincerity.

My best wishes as always.

Oh, Uncle @Pavlov, you know that I love you, don’t ya?

@Barney I love you too sweetheart. Every family has that one uncle . . .
I sometimes get to play the part here.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@moondrake Losing someone you love a piece at a time is so very hard. My grandmother, Mom’s mom, had Alzheimers. It’s a nasty way to die. (Mom has dementia due to her stroke).

I’m so sorry that you and your mother are going through this. If you need someone to talk to, please let me know.

@Barney @moondrake… yes it is very hard. That is how my dad died, although he chose to hasten it by several weeks after 4.5 months in the hospital by pulling all the machines (respirator assisted breathing was the key one). Hard decisions as we had to give permission for him to do so and that was the single hardest thing in my life to do. I hope neither of you have to get to that point with your parents (or that you have to make that decision, in my dad’s case he made it we had to sign that we agreed and would not sue when he died; I think it would be even harder if you had to make that decision for a parent). The grieving in advance that goes on it tough too. Take care both of you.

@Kidsandliz I’m trying my best, trying my best. Thanks.

@narfcake Thank you, narf.

@Barney Some of us are in similar positions. It is helpful, and very nice to hear that someone else’s Mom had things go well for a change. Helps keep hope going for better outcomes.

@duodec Forgive me, my brain is mush. It’s your dad who is ill, is it not? How is he doing? (I tried to look in past threads about where you told us about this, but we seem to talk too much around here to find anything in our past conversations.)

@Barney Thank you. I didn’t want to step in your thread beyond the thanks and being glad to hear good news for you and your Mom.

Both of them aren’t doing well; Dad is of sound mind but invalid, though his condition seems to be stable for now. Still at their home with nearly full time caretakers.

Mom just keeps having more problems. Parkinsons, and now dementia is proceeding pretty fast, plus she has broken both hips this year, last time in September, and is not improving with rehab-place therapy. We’re trying to arrange therapists to come to their house now to work with her. Still hopeful for some improvement but time will tell. I’ll be heading out there again in a few weeks (5 trips a year is all the vacation time I have, and that is trip 4 this year; another went to my wife’s parents instead).

Again so glad to hear of your good news.

@duodec Oh, dear, I’m so sorry that the health of both of your parents is so fragile. It sounds like you live pretty far away from them and I bet that makes for much added worry for you. Do you have other family who lives near them?

Admittedly, there are days I want to pack a bag and run away from home when I am trying to deal with Mom’s insurance company, figuring out how to rebuild her water ruined basement, and, yes, dealing with some of the jerks in administration at the nursing home (non-profit, yeah, right…), I am so glad that I am able to be with her during these last days of her life.

Have you had any trouble finding good home caregivers for your parents? That’s one of the reasons I did not go that route.

And, hey, anytime I’m talking about my mom, please feel free to jump right in and tell us about your parents. We used to do this all of the time at deals.woot and it really does help to talk about it. (Do you hear me @moondrake?)

@Barney Thank you. My brother lives a few miles away from them (the reason my parents moved there) and has been doing nearly all the logistical stuff. He found the hourly service, and then more recently hired a weekday and weekend person, which saved quite a bit of money over hourly since that rate went up a lot when Mom came home.

They have a great person on weekdays (10 hours/day). I’m not sure about weekends now since they had a change last week but the weeknights is the hourly service (because my parents really like that caretaker also and Dad is up at all hours) but it is hideously expensive. They’re burning through savings while we help with sundries, groceries, maintenance, etc (and my brother does Business Manager, which has costs of its own). Not sure what we’ll do when their money runs out; the caretakers alone cost more than either our or his household take home pay.

I would love to be able to take a vacation with my wife. It has been six years since our 20th anniversary vacation trip, and five years before that for an actual vacation, because almost all vacation days get used visiting my parents (or occasionally hers). I also have to make solo trips to mine, and she to hers, because we can’t coordinate that many days.

I just got off the phone with the caretaker and she said Mom seemed to open up last night with a visit from her two brothers and sister, and she was much like she had been before the September broken hip. So a little bit of a good sign happened here too. I hope its an indication of things to come…

@duodec Yeah, who’d a thought that it would be so expensive for eldercare. And every time I get a bill from the nursing home there is some kind of new charge they want Mom to pay. Some she should not have to be paying. Every month I have another fight with them about their charges. Right now, I’m winning about 75% of the time. But what happens to those people who do not have an advocate?

I’m really ticked off at Mom’s nursing home. I love the caregivers, though, and Mom loves them.

I guess your alternative will be to look into a nursing home and put your parents on Medicaid. This sounds awful, but the thing to do is to get your parents into a nursing home, the one you WANT them in, before they run out of money. After they run out and have to go on Medicaid, you could have very little say as to where they are accepted. At least that’s the way it works in my state

At Mom’s nursing home, there is no difference in the care between private payers and Medicaid patients. In fact, the Medicaid women get a free beauty shop appointment each week. Mom pays $20 for this. (gripe, gripe, gripe).

Vacation? What’s that? Before this I was Mom’s caregiver for 12 years after her bypass surgery didn’t go quite the way it should have. -sigh-

But remember this – You gotta take care of yourself (and your wife), @duodec.

I’ve been taking a mental health day today.

@duodec
If you look into Medicaid (as @Barney mentions) for your parents, get some legal advice (not from the Medicaid people). You want to understand the $ issues and how to best protect your parents. Can be a bit cmplicated.

@Barney Honestly I am so emotionally devastated by the sudden death of my best friend in March that I am mostly numb to what’s happening with my mom. At least this was expected, as far back as anyone can remember, everyone on my mom’s side of the family has died of Alzheimers. It’s very likely the monster at the end of my road. My aunt is the sole outlier, 80 and still competent, so there’s a chance I’ll be able to enjoy a full life. I just never expected to have to do it without him. Although we were not romantically involved we were life bonded and I feel as if half of me has been torn away and my soul is bleeding out. Sorry to bring down your day. But if this is a safe space for pain, there it is.

@moondrake
I’m so sorry.

To lose someone who is a daily and important part of your world…

So sorry.

@duodec Is your Mom’s dementia Alzheimers? If so, before the money runs out look into a government program called PACE, funded through DADS (Federal Department of Aging and Disability Services). They may also have programs to help your dad. These are indigent programs, so they are income based and may include assets check, but of your parents only. Your family may not qualify, but have a look. My mom was living in a suburb of Austin and my sister, who has terminal health problems of her own, was looking after her. When she became unable to live alone we looked at options and moved her here where there are many best practice programs for the elderly. Our PACE program administrator, Bienvivir, is nationally recognized and has been a literal lifesaver for my mom. My mom has nothing to her name but a modest social security check and a few boxes of clothes, nicknacks and papers. Her whole life fit in my Honda Civic. Bienvivir provides her with a social worker to help me navigate the legal aspects of her care, a full medical team including dental and pharmacy that provides for all her medical care, equipment such as her bed and wheelchair, and even a chaplain to visit her weekly. Her social worker helped me find an excellent and affordable hospice, that she can pay for and have enough left over for prepaid funeral and burial plans. I don’t know what I would do without Bienvivir.

@moondrake Have you changed your Fantasyworks email address? I want to send you an email and I’m just making sure it will go through before I hit the send button.

@moondrake My condolences. Prayers that the monster won’t be in your future.

So far Alzheimers has not been diagnosed. What I got from my brother (who is the contact the doctors will talk to) it is a form of dementia that is common with Parkinson’s sufferers. It also came on very quickly; a year ago she was very down but outside of some shaking was still pretty much there. Since early this year, with significant hits both times she was in therapy (after hip surgery) for extended periods, it has been a steady downhill except for mild improvement when she came home the first time.

They are not indigent; they are burning up all their savings and investments to stay at home (which is paid off); their choice and they would not be talked out of it. Believe me, we’ve tried, and been rebuffed with considerable anger multiple times. They would be saving mid-$$$$ every month. And my Dad is still of quite sound mind, just stubborn as hell. We hope he has an idea of what he wants to do next. A reverse mortgage on the house, or finally giving in and moving to a home and selling the house (and oh my God they have so much stuff that would all have to be dealt with)…

Maybe once the house is almost all that is left they’d qualify for one of those programs. We’ll take a look, and thank you for the info.

@Barney Not fantasyworks. If you facebook you can pm me thru there on my fantasyworks fb page. I don’t know if there’s pming here or I’d just send you my current email.
https://www.facebook.com/Falcon-Fantasyworks-1820249514862731/

@duodec Parkinsons may still fall under PACE. My mom isn’t technichally Alz, everyone just calls it that for simplicity, it’s some obscure thing that progresses faster and has a little different symptoms. Her dad had Parkinsons, there’s some kind of relationship between Park and Alz. PACE won’t provide the level of care they are used to, but I believe the will provide in-home care for homeowners that don’t have the resources to pay for it. Either way it’s worth having a look at the programs DADS offers before you get to the end of their resources and run out of options.

@duodec The key thing to do is to check into these programs before you run out of resources.

@moondrake No, don’t post your email here, just not a good idea (I don’t facebook). I’ll figure something out.

@Barney @Moondrake can send me an email and I can forward… username at onmyhonor dot com, if you want…

@mikibell Thanks! Lucky you, you are going to have another email coming (something to look forward to after tomorrow ) I’ll be thinking about you.

@Barney wait till you get my forwarding bill

@mikibell Ouch!

@duodec The stuff issue… sigh… Here is what we did with my mom. Every time I went home we tackled a portion of something. She was too stressed with - stay, give away, donate… make your decision quickly (my middle sister’s approach), so I listened to all the stories of the clothes not made with the fabric complete with the pattern, thread, zipper, buttons all packed together in a smallbag…why she liked it, or who she was going to make it for…and while I knew she’d never sew anything again she managed to decide what to keep (the kids’ smocked clothing that was partly done, and a few other things, and what she’d give away - she had a friend who still did sewing and had her come over and pick through it and I donated the rest. Did the same with all the other stuff in cupboards, closets, the attic, basement… Cut the pile in half that way (and us kids took some too).

Then when she actually moved we moved what she wanted to take with her and left the rest behind. I then spent 7 days with 12-14 hour days dealing with it. I put aside a few things I thought she might change her mind about (she did plus one emergency run to the salvation army trying to retrieve something - failed with that - likely it was stolen as it was only a couple of hours later and all the rest of her stuff was still in the back). She was happy that easter seal took dad’s lift chair, canes, scooter (dad had had polio before I was born and then post polio syndrome); that a neighbor wanted some of the other stuff… she was able to live with parting with things once she knew where it was going and it would be appreciated. The memories attached to the items is what made it hard for her to give things up (well that and the what if I need it later mentality).

It is sad actually to see the pitiful pile of junk that she kept “just in case” (depression mentality plus we were poor growing up, dad was a minister and there were 4 kids)… She did better with giving things away when she knew why someone wanted it or who would be helped. Had we had a garage sale at the end of this process we’d have made maybe $4-500 but November in the snow belt is not the time to have a garage sale. The other stuff - not enough at any given time to do that, although with an estate sale maybe $1-2000 - BUT one of the keys was to get it out of the house while she was agreeable to it going.

Good luck with that. If they are able to start now and have you “pack up things they aren’t using” and "sort through things they might want to get rid of or donate for the tax donation or give to their kids (have to be careful with that last on in case they think your only interest is getting your hands on their stuff). It would have been horrible had we had to deal with all of it at one time.

@mikibell I just sent it. Thanks!

@Barney @moondrake thank you for all the information and concern.

My Mom passed away this morning at about 11:35 Eastern. She had been shutting down over the last couple of weeks, stopped responding to people and things around her, and about a week ago stopped eating. We had both regular caregiver and hospice help at home for her for those two weeks.

My sister came to see her early this week; Mom never opened her eyes or gave any indication she knew her daughter was there.

My wife (and God bless her; she has been my rock) and I came on Friday and I sat with Mom most of Saturday and again Sunday. I talked to her, played songs she liked on the stereo, even read from a Spanish Bible in a doubtless atrocious accent; I hope she heard but we will never know. I never saw any sign of a response.

I turned away to look for a new CD to play for her; just for a moment, but she was gone.

I never expected to be the last one to talk to her, hold her arm (hand was bandaged), or see one of her last breaths. If it helped her then it was worth it but now the image of her when I close my eyes is one I’d rather not have.

I can’t remember the last time I saw my Dad cry. He’s a New England Depression-raised ‘Yankee’, but today he grieved without reservation. He (and we) had all expected his health problems would take him before her, but hers just piled on so quickly.

For now, I am adrift. I’m going to do what I can for my Dad while he lives, but my Mom is gone, and all is wrong in the universe.

@duodec

I’m so sorry to hear that.

I know that there is no way anybody here could “fix” things, but just know that we are all here for you (whether you need someone to talk to, or for anything else).

@duodec I’m deeply saddened to hear of your loss. My most sincere condolences.

@duodec So sorry.

@duodec

You can see it coming, and that doesn’t make it easier.

So sorry. I wish there was more one could say.

I hope your family is able to give a lot of good energy to your Dad. This kind of shock is something that sometimes knocks them back for good. But sometimes not.

He may be, in a while, willing to consider making changes in concert with you, his kids. I hope he doesn’t feel abandoned and useless. I don’t think you will allow him to go there too much. If he has grandkids, that can be enormous for him if he sees them a lot.

My heart hurts for all of you.

@duodec My condolences. I’m very sorry.

@duodec Thank you for letting me know; I’ve been thinking about you. I’m so sorry, so very sorry to hear that your Mom is gone. I’m glad you got to be with her before she passed (yes, she knew you were there).

If there are any more questions that I might be able answer about your Dad’s care, please don’t hesitate to contact me. God bless you and your family.

@duodec I’m so sorry your mother is gone. There is no feeling like it. I am thankful, for your sake, that she did not die alone. You were tending her, and that may console you somewhat. Please accept my deepest sympathy. These next days will be the hardest of your life. I hope you can find some peace.

@duodec There are no words. Know that everyone weeps along with you.

@duodec my condolences to you and the rest of your family, most especially your father. He will surely need your love and support!

@duodec Sending you and your family my sympathy and prayers and even a virtual hug. (And I don’t give out hugs, real or virtual, very easily.)

@duodec Please accept my deepest condolences to you and your family. Losing a parent is one of our hardest, sharpest griefs. If I might offer a suggestion of something I discovered when my own mother died: anticipate strange, unexpected things to rock you off your footing for a while. An unbidden memory, a glimpse of something she loved, a greeting card on the rack in a store, an odd bit of music. The "first since"days. First Christmas, first spring flowers, first birthday… They often begin in dreadful pain but just as often end in remembering good things from those days past. Your world will eventually begin to feel better. Meanwhile, many hearts here are sorrowing with you.

@duodec My sincere condolences to you and your family

@duodec How terrible it must be to lose your mom… the person who has been part of your life from the moment it began. You have my heartfelt condolences. If your “yankee” dad is still located in the northeast and we can be of any help, please reach out – we are local stiff upper lip yankees. username @ onmyhonor dot com.

@tinamarie1974 Thank you. Today was a good day.

@OldCatLady Mom and I had the “nursing home” discussion a few years ago before her bypass surgery. The plan was that I was going to take care of her at her home for as long as possible, but if a nursing home became necessary, Mom knew the one she wanted to be in. She chose wisely; they have been very good to her.

@suewalsh1 I love my hospice team. They have helped me in so many ways and the extra care that they give to my mom is so wonderful.

Thank you for the advice and please feel free to come and talk with us anytime.

@suewalsh1
Ditto what @Barney said. Hope you stick around.

@Barney
@f001
Thanks for being welcoming. I started buying stuff here about a year ago, but only started writing a couple of weeks ago. Apparently I’ve been remiss in the ‘star’ department, so from now on everyone gets stars until I catch up! I have laughed my ass off so many times with you guys! Now I will laugh and ‘star’!

@Barney Preach, brother! You can’t imagine how many people don’t know about hospice, or think if they use hospice their loved one will die. I’d show up at people’s doors and they’d look at me like I was the Angel of Death. If a loved one is in a situation that could lead to or might involve their passing, engage hospice. A lot of times people get better with the extra care and have to discharge off the service! The only way hospice changes the outcome of a loved one’s longevity is to improve the quality of it, and MEDICARE PAYS 100%. There’s no downside to this, I promise. And if you call within the next 10 minutes…okay, no.

@suewalsh1

@suewalsh1

I’d say welcome, but I don’t want to scare you off…

@suewalsh1
I used to be close to a hospice nurse. She moved and we lost track of each other.

At the time I knew her, she was a cancer survivor herself and completely in love with a someone with who had 6 months left to live (colon cancer).

She and I would talk about things. She said that unless the person was alone, or there were terrible relationships, the period of a life that is facing death is often, for the terminal person, and also for those close to that person, a “very precious time”.

She talked of seeing families and friends come together. People with old differences reconciled. People put aside those distractions that seem so urgent in normal life - most of our hobbies and personal obsessions, and some of our work - to just be with each other.

Suddenly all the priority-confusion would go away - what really mattered would be so very clear to everyone. She (my nurse friend) said “people are astonished to find out that they actually do have free time to be with each other. They thought they didn’t.”

She cherished her work. She cherished the families she got to know.

@PlacidPenguin I appreciate the welcome, but there’s a November Blame Thread going on in which you’re getting blamed for everything but Climate Change (that may have changed by now). Um, what’s up with you and it? Does everyone have to take their turn in the barrel, are you elected/chosen for the honor, or are you actually placidly malevolent?

@suewalsh1

Every month there’s a scapegoat. History of scapegoats for Meh
Near the end of the month nominating/voting starts, and whoever ends up with the most stars by their nomination is the goat. (The person nominated, not nominator.)
I’m this month’s penguin of the month though.

@f00l Everything you say is true! Why do we have to get to end of life to see clearly? Your friend sounds like a wonderful woman, with a challenging path. I debated adding this, but here goes: while most people rally and are supportive, some people will disappear and you’ll have no idea why. It’s usually cuz they can’t tolerate the pain/memories/intimacy-issues in themselves that they’d have to deal with to be present for you. It can be heartbreaking, but it’s always about them and their baggage (no judgment), and no reflection on you. I think it hurts less if it happens and you can understand it like that.

@PlacidPenguin Thanks for clarifying. Ya coulda scared me off.

@Barney

PS those nurses and staff rock.

@f00l Yeah, it’s been a pretty up and down week or perhaps I should say down and up week Thanks for the Louis Armstrong.

@mikibell When you have the time, I sent you an email.

@looseneck Sorry to scare you, I didn’t mean to.

@uraqtc Thank you and if you ever need to talk, we’re here for you.