Foot-rathon semi-automated compilation with what I am reasonably certain is all the faces in a GIF

DoctorOW posted some pics said
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Compiler’s Note

This is the first time I did one of these compilations with the help of my automatic meh-rathon script. If I’m missing any let me know, I genuinely left it unsupervised.

The Foot(?)-rathon(???)

Drink plenty of water, because we’re taking you through 26.2 miles of deals. It’s a marathon. It’s a meh-rathon. But mostly, it’s about your feet.

Oh you better believe that it’s time for another meh-rathon! Did you know that the term “meh-rathon” actually has its roots in an Ancient Greek word for when self-hating masochists run for like twenty-five miles in a row on purpose in exchange for an ill-fitting t-shirt and one day of Facebook superiority?

Yeah, it blew our minds, too.

And as much as we hate the idea of running 26.2 miles for literally any reason, it turns out that feet like it even less. So in honor of the noble tradition of the foot-destroying marathon, today’s meh-rathon is all about feet.

We’re going to help you coddle them and clothe them and make them feel loved. (But not in a weird way. Unless you’d prefer that. In which case, hey, it’s your money. Have at it.)

Let us be your personal guide to miles and miles of deals. We’re going to start with something you’ll be seeing a lot of today: socks!

We interrupt this Meh-rathon of foot-related products to bring you something entirely regrettable!

Does this particular Instant Regret Kit have anything to do with feet?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Will it contain a rabbit’s foot keychain that grants its owner wishes but only in the most diabolically twisted ways?

It’s unlikely.

Will it smell like feet?

Very possibly!

(But seriously, these are just your standard IRKs.)

And we’re off, for real now.

This is where it sinks in that you are indeed going to spend the rest of this day, which is otherwise just dripping with promise and potential, meh-rathoning with us.

You’re making the right choice. Just remember: now you’re committed. We have begun, and you’re no quitter.

Just to show that we’re bringing the heat today—literally and figuratively—we’re coming out of the gates strong with this VivaSpa Shiatsu Air Pressure Foot Massager with 360 Degree Heat and Kneading.

It’ll make your feet feel simply quite nice thank-you-very-much.

These are some cool socks.

As in, they’re socks that cool your feet.

Which makes them… cool socks?

Whoa!

The first four deals of a meh-rathon are like the first few miles of a long run. You could close that window. You could turn around and just be done.

But after a while, when you keep at it and the miles and the deals begin to stretch on into what seems like eternity, you start to see who you really are. You begin to unlock your potential, or at least open your eyes to see it for the first time.

Maybe you’re a humanitarian. Or a scholar. A philosopher, perhaps.

Or maybe, juuust maybe…you’re a sexy badass with metal-studded knee high boot socks.

Or maybe you’re about to be.

Want your kid to rock some retro comic book socks featuring vintage character styling that predates their birth by a solid 50 years?

We got you, for some reason.

It’s the little things.

It’s the cat gnawing on your toe. It’s putting your feet up after a long day.

It’s having a cute little bow right above your knee that matches your stripes and looks like you got dressed on purpose.

These are supposed to be feet deals. But his one is more of an upper leg deal. Because even though you stuff your foot in there, it’s a leg look all the way.

Do you get it yet?

We’re trying to make your socks cool. Your socks are boring…but they could be cool…but your socks are boring.

We’ve hit you with hamburger socks and bow tie stockings and something about virgin sheep wool.

Let us send you knee-high boot socks with a freakin’ rose on the side already!

Like the singing of birds and the loveliness of the leaves, there are certain things that are wonderful early on in a long run that you won’t even think about as the miles pile up.

Celebrity-branded home goods are a little like that. So hot and fresh at first, so hidden in a dusty department store corner by the end.

These slippers are awesome. At one point, they probably cost a little extra thanks to that Jessica Simpson branding. But now, thanks to the brutal march of time and the fickle attention span of the zeitgeist, they’re just a great deal on comfy slippers.

It’s almost like funky penguin socks are a metaphor for how damn much your feet can hurt as the initial runner’s high depletes. Do penguins peck feet?!?

Meh-rathoning is kind of hard, it turns out. Are we done talking about feet yet?

Wait, seriously, this is only the tenth deal? OUT OF HOW MANY?!

P.S. These socks are for women, but must they be?

Mind the puddle right there!

Oh come on. We said to mind the puddle, but you’ve stepped right in the puddle.

Not only will your left foot be soaked for the rest of this meh-rathon, it’ll probably still be gross and cold and just the tiniest bit damp tomorrow morning, too.

If only you had an electric shoe warmer that sticks neatly on the wall and can dry up to four shoes at once anytime you need it.

If only…

(By the way, this is one of those deals that makes for a really good opportunity to buy a few. You probably have more than four wet shoes piled up from time to time.)

We interrupt this Meh-rathon of foot-related products to bring you something entirely regrettable!

Does this particular Instant Regret Kit have anything to do with feet?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Will it contain a rabbit’s foot keychain that grants its owner wishes but only in the most diabolically twisted ways?

It’s unlikely.

Will it smell like feet?

Very possibly!

(But seriously, these are just your standard IRKs.)

In any good run, there comes a point when the exhaustion starts to remind you of all the things that are wrong with you. You know: the procrastination, the passive-aggressive party persona, the terrible taste in reality television.

Oh this is supposed to be about feet.

Well your feet suck, too. And if they suck in the very particular manner of having bunions, then this deal is for you, lumpy-foot.

Ever see a product where there’s so much detail packed in the name itself it almost leaves nothing for the copywriter to even say?

Well, you’re about to!

There is a 6-pack of Minx Ladies Performance Reverse Terry Anklet Socks.

If we’d offered these right off the top, you’d probably say:” lol, who needs compression sleeves?!”

Because, you know, you would’ve still been feeling fresh and light on your feet at the very beginning of this meh-tastic meh-rathon marathon. But we bet you’re starting to see the appeal now.

So don’t miss out. These are specifically designed to support your janky ankles and keep your feet from being the parts that fail when the going gets tough.

There are two sizes—get the right one!

Hey, remember just a minute ago when we offered compression sleeves?

Well, these are compression socks.

So, you know, same deal! Except, you know, different.

Anyway, they’re unisex knee-high compression socks that will make you feel like a svelte soccer star the moment you pull them on. They look pretty cool, too.

huff puff huff puff

Holy cow, we’re starting to really feel the miles here, meh-rathoners.

If only we could shove our aching feet into some sort of slipper full of soothing gel…perhaps it could slide up past the ankle and to the knee…perhaps it could continue…perhaps the gel sock could take us within it, where all is cozy, and warm, and replete with essential oils.

If only…
If only…
If only…

Just let us climb inside one of these like Han Solo is stuffing us into one of those asthmatic snow camels already!!

huff puff huff puff

We’re really cruising now.

huff puff huff puff

Here at Meh, we have no chill.

Yeah, sure…it seems like there is an abundance of chill, with our “meh” attitude and our “meh” product descriptions, but behind that slacker demeanor are a whole bunch of people who are damn near 10 or so metaphorical miles into a foot-related deal marathon who are completely nerding out over stringing together this many podiatric bargains all in one place.

You know what else could have no chill? Your stocking-clad legs.

You could even have a little ruffley ribbon on top.

WHY FEET?

WHY IS IT STILL WITH THE FEET?

Who wants hamburgers on their socks?

retching coughs

Slippersocks!

Who could not love the concept of slippersocks?!

Was it the style? These are tie dye.

Was it the quantity? This is more of them.

Were you just distracted by some trivial nonsense like your job or spouse the last time we checked in? Well here’s your second chance.

Don’t blow it.

We’ve made it to mile 21! Or wait, no. Deal 21. Which would be mile… uhh… look we’re a bit exhausted to do math right now, okay?

If this were a real marathon, rather than an internet-fueled fever dream punctuated by boot socks, this amount of progress would mean something.

We’d be breaking through the wall or getting in the zone or preparing to celebrate making it halfway.

But it isn’t a marathon. So it’s mostly just the boot socks.

These are quite cozy, though.

Sure, we’re not quite halfway into this thing, but we are HURTING right now. Don’t ask us if we’re okay!

We’re not okay.

We have been wheeling and dealing and slingin’ stacks of foot-related items for HOURS and do you want to know where we are right now?

We’re about to try and sell you holiday socks in damn May.

We don’t even know what the value proposition is for this. Are you going to buy them now because they’re a great deal and store them for the rest of the year? Are you going to wear them to the office in some sort of ironic display of style??

If you buy these, please do us a favor and tell us why and how and mostly why.

There are 26.2 miles in a marathon. There are 26.2 miles in a meh-rathon.

The average human marathoner takes about 60,000 steps to cover that distance. The average human meh-rathoner takes about 60 seconds to read a deal and then start looking around for the next one.

Maybe you wouldn’t be so hungry for the next deal if you could quietly amuse yourself with some very small Sasquatch feet that fit on your fingers.

Bet you didn’t think about that, did you?

No.

You only think about yourself.

We interrupt this Meh-rathon of foot-related products to bring you something entirely regrettable!

Does this particular Instant Regret Kit have anything to do with feet?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Will it contain a rabbit’s foot keychain that grants its owner wishes but only in the most diabolically twisted ways?

It’s unlikely.

Will it smell like feet?

Very possibly!

(But seriously, these are just your standard IRKs.)

We’re almost to the halfway point. In other words, we’re just about to the foot massage station along the race course!

Wait, seriously? They don’t have those on the marathons you’ve run?

Then you should make your own foot massage station! This rock solid Miko Heated Shiatsu Foot Massager is perfect for when you collapse after a long run. Or just a long day sitting around and watching the deals pile up.

Everyone deserves a foot massage is what we’re saying.

Hey, remember those Christmas socks that we strongly implied that you shouldn’t buy, on account of it being May and all?

We’re feeling better now.

We respect your decision to maybe buy socks with little Christmas trees on them whenever you damn well please.

See also: rubber duckies and dollar signs and skulls and pirates and polka dots and hot air balloons and tasteful-by-comparison stripes.

You’ve been meh-rathoning for a while. Treat yourself to some goofy socks if that’s your thing.

Ever run with kids? The benefits of doing this kind of thing with the next generation of runners is beautiful and empowering. But by Mile 12 or so (which is, btw, about where we’re at), you definitely should have had enough time to leave those short-legged losers in the dust.

Get some superhero socks to help them feel better when they eventually find their way across the finish line.

There’s nothing like getting just about to the halfway point of a long run to remind you that your socks kind of suck.

Well don’t worry. Your kids’ socks probably kind of suck also.

But if those crappy-sock-having kids do any kind of sporty thing, they could probably stand to have some decent ones. Those Spongebob socks are never going to survive a cross country season.

We’ve made it past the halfway mark! That means we’re 13.1 miles in! That’s far enough to put a bumper sticker on your Prius!

Treat yourself after all that hard work with this 2-pack of foot massage rollers. One has a stretchy bit and two round bits. One of the round bits looks a little like a certain virus-y molecule thing we’ve all come to hate over the past year.

Sorry about that. Bet it’ll feel great on your feet, though.

The other is a littler cylindrical roller guy. Ditto on the feeling good on feet thing.

We’ve made it past the halfway mark! That means we’re 13.1 miles in! That’s far enough to put a bumper sticker on your Prius!

Treat yourself after all that hard work with this 2-pack of foot massage rollers. One has a stretchy bit and two round bits. One of the round bits looks a little like a certain virus-y molecule thing we’ve all come to hate over the past year.

Sorry about that. Bet it’ll feel great on your feet, though.

The other is a littler cylindrical roller guy. Ditto on the feeling good on feet thing.

Finally! Someone thought of the pets! So, what? Are these available in sizes gerbil through great dane?

Oh, wait. Ped, not pet.

Sorry, we’re a little tired from all this running and dealing.

Anyway, still some nice socks, right?

If this were a half-meh-rathon, we’d be done by now. If this were a 10k, we’d finally have a table at the post-run lunch spot. If this were a 5k, we’d already be home on the couch, watching Netflix.

But it’s none of those things. It’s a meh-rathon.

Well we ain’t done. There are miles of deals to go.

But we will say that one way to kick back after a long day of meh-rathoning would be to indulge in these delightfully ridiculous Jessica Simpson slippers. The patterns and colors are just…chef’s kiss.

You know how your mom wanted you to have clean underwear in case you were in a car accident?

This is like that, but for your feet.

Wait, your mom never said that? Guess our mom just really appreciated the need for clean underwear in a time of distress.

Point is, this stuff will help you clean your feet.

They say you can’t buy luck!

Well, they’re wrong. You can. This is it.

Then again, you’re lucky to have tuned into this meh-rathon marathon at the exact right time…

Hmm, so maybe you need luck to buy luck?

Interesting.

We’re getting to the point of the marathon/meh-rathon here where even the most disciplined runners/deal enthusiasts hit a wall. Like, when you’re more than halfway done and still a huge distance from the finish line? That’s not so fun.

These insoles are not fun either. They are not sexy. They do not make you look cool or feel like a super-athlete.

They are for very serious people who are very seriously committed to orthotic comfort and/or keeping feet warm and dry.

That is all. You either want these or you don’t.

We figured that this point in the meh-rathon/marathon–when you’re miles from home and miles from the finish line and you’re tired and more susceptible to suggestion than you might otherwise be–would be a good time to hit you with something that you didn’t know you needed.

It’s this.

It’s a bit of modern/medieval fusion that is sleek and shiny yet brutally efficient in terms of poking and prodding your in all the places you didn’t think you could reach.

It’s not one thing that dubiously claims to be effective for back, foot, and body. It’s three things, each with their own precisely-engineered strengths—massage gadget specialists, if you will. But this meh-rathon is all about feet, so consider the other pieces a buy-one-get-two-free kinda thing.

We were tempted to save this one for the very end, available only to the most committed deal-chasers, but honestly this thing is so cool that everybody needs a piece of the action.

It’s a frankly ridiculous vibrating recovery ball that is in no way a ball. It’s more like a futuristic space grenade that happens to also massage away muscle pain in addition to blowing up xenomorphs.

Have at it, mile four compatriots. These won’t last long!

To Be Continued…