Famous monsters of adland: Shoddy Goods 030

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Hey, Jason Toon here with a new Shoddy Goods, the newsletter from Meh about the stuff people make, buy, and sell. Fictional villains always have more charisma than their heroic counterparts - including in our culture’s most ubiquitous form of fiction, advertising.

Fear sells. And all the more so when that fear has a face. If you can convince your audience that vile, inhuman enemies lurk among us, cackling with dark glee as they work to destroy all we hold dear, they’ll fling cash at you for your flu medication or copper wiring.

My favorite advertising mascots have always been the anti-mascots, the negative pitchmen that embody whatever issue the product is meant to fix. I don’t mean Hamburglar or Trix Rabbit types who can’t resist stealing the product because it’s just so good (eyeroll). Nor would I count The Noid, because he doesn’t represent an actual, external problem: if your Domino’s pizza shows up cold and gross, that’s nobody’s fault but Domino’s.

No, I love the brand villains that aim to be as disgusting, or as dangerous, or at least as annoying, as the real-life problem they’re supposedly solving. Here are eight of the worst, and so the best.

Skimpy Wiring (Kennecott Copper, 1950s)

The post-World War II boom in consumer conveniences was hitting a snag. Most homes in America weren’t wired to handle big fridges, dishwashers, and air conditioners. Kennecott Copper was just one of many electrical corporations to promote electrical upgrades, but they were the only one to use an evil anthropomorphic tangle of frayed wires in a rumpled porkpie hat. Skimpy Wiring is all sparks and sneers as he strikes at the thing that 1950s America held most dear: its appliances.

Mr. Mucus (Mucinex, 2000s-2020s)

Ads for cold and flu medicines usually dance around the grosser aspects of the conditions they’re trying to cure, with euphemisms like “stuffy” or “congestion”. Not Reckitt, makers of Mucinex. They flung this snot creature at us some twenty years ago and have relentlessly expanded their mucus-coated cinematic universe ever since. The current Mr. Mucus is voiced by Jason Mantzoukas (Brooklyn Nine Nine). Reckitt needs all the help it can get after the FDA determined that the decongestant in Mucinex didn’t actually work. That sparked a class-action lawsuit on top of Reckitt’s myriad legal woes on several continents, including getting busted in Australia for marketing identical bottles of plain old ibuprofen as different specialized treatments for back pain, period pain, etc. Now that’s gross.

Grime Gang (Bardahl, 1950s-1960s)

Most of us don’t see the crud that’s always piling up in our cars, and we’re not especially interested in pursuing the subject. So automotive additive maker Bardahl brought some underworld glamour to engine residue with this syndicate of sludge. The series of Dragnet parody commercials by ex-Disney animator Ray Patin are still a lot of fun - although as usual, the villains are way more charismatic than the uptight Bardahl hero.

Influenza (Relenza, 2000s)

A simple concept - the flu as the ultimate unwanted guest, played by Seinfeld’s Newman (Wayne Knight) - turns into gold thanks to Knight’s performance. He does repulsive, smug obnoxiousness as well as you’d expect, especially when he’s sneering at an attempt to fight him off with soup. And he adds a note of creepiness as he contemplates how he’s going to befoul the lady of the house’s personal towel.

Mr. Coffee Nerves (Postum, 1930s-1950s)

Everywhere Mr. Coffee Nerves went, strife and squalor were sure to follow. This malevolent, mustachioed phantasm, co-created by Milton Caniff of Terry and the Pirates and Steve Canyon fame, originally wore a top hat and tails before switching to a much more off-putting space leotard ensemble with devil horns or something. By 1951, when the makers of caffeine-free Postum tried to blame coffee for climbing rates of car crashes, fires, and juvenile delinquency, the Federal Trade Commission forced them to dial their claims back. Mr. Coffee Nerves had to be content merely ruining careers and destroying families.

The Cavity Creeps (Crest, 1970s-1980s)

The featureless, terrifying Cavity Creeps chant “we make holes in teeth!” as they hack away at the gleaming walls of Toothopolis… sometimes you can just tell when a copywriter is having a good time. Once again, the well-scrubbed heroes are dullsville. The Cavity Creeps are the stars of the show. No surprise to learn they were designed by comics legend Herb Trimpe, best known for pencilling a defintive run of The Incredible Hulk from 1968-1975. Check out his even more Marvelesque concept art.

The Creeping Pound (Ry-Krisp, 1950s)

The least-known of this rogues’ gallery, this masked lump of fat might have just been too darn cute to properly horrify Ry-Krisp’s target market. What kind of jerk would want the Ry-Krisp Weight Watcher to catch such a sweet little cuddlebug? The Creeping Pound’s snub nose, guileless smile, and tiny vestigial limbs make getting fat look fun - which of course it is, sometimes.

The bugs (Raid, 1950s-2000s)

Of course, there was no way I could do this piece without mentioning the most iconic brand villains of them all. The bugs in Raid’s advertising are never given a name, but boy oh boy, do they have personality. Credit is mainly due to artist Don Pegler, who joined the Foote, Cone & Belding ad agency in the late '60s and transformed the previously nondescript bugs into the distinctive creeps we’ve known ever since. The evolution is chronicled in extensive detail in this YouTube playlist. Sure, maybe you have no idea what chemicals you’re spraying around - but are you gonna let those things live in your house?

I feel like some horror movie directors could take a few tips from these ad creators, geesh. What ads still stick in your head from your childhood? Let’s hear about ‘em (and watch ‘em if you can find a Youtube link) over in this week’s Shoddy Goods chat.

—Dave (and the rest of Meh)

If you’re obsessed enough with consumerist minutiae to make it all the way down here, you’re at serious risk of enjoying these past Shoddy Goods pieces as well: