Cuisina-rathon Compliation (I'll bet there's some sort of pun but I stayed up all day for the second time in like a week)

I kinda edited down the opening paragraph because most of it is promoting a sale that is no longer active.

Every Meh Button

Every Appliance name

We don’t need to tell you how great Cuisinart stuff is. You already know that. But we can help you with an important step of kitchen appliance ownership: naming!

For this toaster oven, if you want to go with something refined and ornate, consider:

Broil Tenenbaum

Or if you want to think of it more like a comedian, you could try:

Colin Tjoast

For this personal blender, if you think of it as blending ingredients into something beautiful, much like a poet, you could name it:

Blenderd Cohen

Or, if you think of it more like a scientist, maybe consider:

Marie Puriee

There are many options for naming this coffee maker. For example, if you want to give it the air of literary pretention, you could call it:

Javathon Franzen

Whereas if you want to think of it more like the diva of the morning mug, you could go with:

Caffeina Turner

Looking to name a piece of cookware in away that appeals to the dub-step loving youth in your life? Try:

Skrillet

Want to name a piece of cookware that speaks to its effortless ability to serve convincingly in multiple rolls? Try:

Paniel Day Lewis

This electric meat grinder has a lot of great potential names! Versatile and strong, much like a certain big man who plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves? How about:

Karl Anthony Grounds

Or, you could look at the fact that it’s refurbished. I.e. it’s experiencing a rich second career, much like a certain actress who was once in studio rom coms but now stars in prestige dramas for HBO and Apple+. In other words, you could call it:

Meats Witherspoon

This coffee machine with a steel carafe is going to churn out pots much the same way that certain bestselling authors churn out books. So you could call it:

Danielle Steel

Or, you could say that the caffeine it provides is almost like an anti-virus software for the human body. In which case, a great name would be:

John McOfee

If your steaming case leaves you feeling intoxicated with the steam-related possibilities, consider a name like:

Jim Steam

If you think your steamer is the underrated star of your kitchen, perhaps the greatest appliance of all time, but never discussed seriously as such for reasons you can’t understand, consider calling it:

Steam Abdul Jabar

If you want to convey that your dehydrator is very versatile, much like an actor capable of performing in both comedies and intense dramas, you might consider calling it:

Dry’n Cranston

And if you decide to buy two, to double your jerky and kale chip output–a twin machine if you will–consider calling that one:

Mary Dehydkrate Olson

Want to name your cookware something that highlights its delightfully understated and charming demeanor? Consider:

Pann Hathaway

Or, you could pay homage to the fact that this cookware is durable, a veteran of a job wherein it takes a literal beating. In which case, you should call a piece:

Cookwarey Bradshaw

For a food processor like this, if you want to convey that it works as hard as an actress who’s won Academy Awards, Emmys, Tonys, Screen Actors Guild Awards, and Golden Globes, consider:

Processica Lange

Otherwise, you might focus on its potential and name it after a high-flying NBA rookie:

Obi Choppin

Espresso can give you energy to face the day with positivity and excitement. Which is why we recommend calling yours:

Cappuccean Simmons

But also, espresso can be served in small, quirky, ornate mugs. Something that calls to mind a certain filmmaker, if you ask us. So, why not:

Espress Anderson

A good blender converts rustic, chunky sauces to smooth, refined purees. So, why not call yours:

My Fair Blade-y

On the other hand, if using it makes you feel like a real Master, consider:

Pulse Thomas Anderson

An indoor grilling option? That sounds downright theatrical to us. So, consider naming yours:

Grillbert and Sullivan

Or, if you think the fact that it has a lid hides the gritty work that’s really going on under the surface, you could call it:

Big Griddle Lies

If you think about it, a good hand blender really brings the heat. So, what about:

Handy Johnson

Or, if you believe owning a hand blender is an essential part of growing up and leaving your childhood behind, because it means taking on more advanced culinary feats, you could call yours:

Blendy Darling

A good name? For a kettle you hope to have for many years? How about:

Boilhood

Or, if you want to think of the kettle as a cage where water molecules duke it out to see who remains liquid and who gets dispatched as vapor, how about:

Boil Rumble

Does this skillet make you want to say “WOOO!” Then consider naming it:

Electrick Flair

Whereas, if you consider this skillet to be the Teflon Don of your kitchen, maybe go with:

Electrick Ross

The electric knife set is exciting and cool, like a certain famous hip hop artist and actor. So, name at least one of them:

Slice-T

Whereas the cutting board is quiet and understated, yet heroically protects your counter. So why not go with:

Bamboo Radley

Naming this one is easy. It’s either:

Aaron Burr

Or:

Mr. Bean (Grinder)

For the blender, go with:

Blendy Williams

For the cups, how about:

Frankie Travalli

Since it makes something that will perk you up, just like the best dance music, and has an LCD screen, how about:

LCD Coffeesystem

Or, since it can provide great energy in the middle of an exhausting day, much as a great sixth man might be checked in to get his team going, try:

Brew Williams

Since Cuisinart is such a leader in the kitchen appliance industry, consider naming this toaster:

Bread Auerbach

Or, if you’re looking for something more modern:

Toast Malone

For a juicing blender, consider a name like:

Juicy Ricardo

Or:

Juiceille Ball

Since this blender works so well it almost feels like it should be illegal, how about:

Smoothie Criminal

Or, for the 1990s/early 2000s basketball fans out there:

Blade Divac

For this coffee machine, what about:

Brewan McGregor

Or, conversely, you could go with:

Wow, When I Started This Exercise I Really Didn’t Know How Many Coffee Machines There Would Be To Make Punny Names For

There’s characters left in the limit

First time I’ve not had to spread it across multiple posts.