Crazy kids
9So it turns out our teen - entering high school with a straight-A academic record, involved with a tight circle of decent friends (with, apparently, one exception), and happily doing manual labor at a horse barn - has become addicted to vaping, has been nipping whiskey from my bottles with a (singular) friend after we’re asleep, and was caught smoking weed with said friend by said friend’s parent - who said nothing of it to us.
This was revealed to us by a neighbor kid, treated as a confidant, who has opted to forego a relationship with our daughter out of concern for her. Neighbor kid is trusted.
I intend to eliminate alcohol from the house, as I can do without. All of my other inclinations are nuclear at the moment: no more privacy at home, no further relations with said friend, selling the car we intended for her use, etc.
The emotions are raw, and I am pretty sure my plans are in every aspect wrong and completely counterproductive. Love my daughter, and she is doing amazing things, but this betrayal of trust stings quite a bit.
Any advice and pointed criticism of me as a human being/parent is welcome.
- 8 comments, 6 replies
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As one of those former straight A students with a full slate of extra curriculars and a lot of high expectations, she may just be desperately needing one area where she’s not dedicating her life entirely to those expectations. I’d go easy and see if she could say what she feels and needs. I think the most important thing you can do is listen; I’m guessing she has a lot of stressors to unload.
I’d consider family/personal therapy
plus …
There ought to be some consequences for some things.
It’s tricky to get it right and depends much on the individuals.
Good luck w this. V
Don’t you think you’re overreacting, just a little bit? She’s a teenager and thats what teenager do. They experiment, try new things, some even get into/cause trouble. It’s a crazy concept, I know. It’s a very tuff age with peer pressure. The more comfortable she is in herself and proud of who she is, the more she’s gonna stand up for herself and what she believes in.
As for her behavior, unfortunately this isn’t the first or last time she’s going to lie to you. I’m sure you were ALWAYS truthful with you parents lol. As brainmist suggested, try talking to her. Let her know she can talk to you about anything and you won’t freak out. But you can’t freak out if she does talk to about stuff.
I can tell you from personal experience that having “no privacy” at home, banning certain friends, selling a car you were saving for her is not gonna get you anywhere. The only thing it’s gonna give you is a very angry, resentful child that’s sneaking around behind your back bc you’re acting like a “crazy parent” in her eyes.
It’s actually proven that punishments to children should never be longer than 2 weeks bc it doesn’t do anything for them except make them angry while they wait. Also taking a door off as a consequence isn’t teaching your child anything either. Children/teens need privacy to help them become independent, decompress, let out anger and most of all to figure out who they are. They need it for they same reasons we do. Also natural and logical consequences are better for children bc they can see and feel the reaction from their negative actions. So the appropriate consequences for your daughter drinking/vaping with this friend would be supervised “play time” with her friend. Tell her if she wants to do childish things you’ll treat her like a child but adults earn their privileges.
Just my 2 cents of course.
@Star2236 All of this, 100%. If you turn yourself into her cop, don’t be surprised when she falls into the role you cast her in.
Be gentle, careful, and respectful. Listen to her. She’s at an age where your responses will define your relations. It’s fine to outline logical courses of action? But if you frame yourself as her nemesis and enforcer, and the last person she can trust with her problems, don’t be surprised when that lingers for life.
@Star2236 Best answer. You said pretty much everything I could have. I am not a parent (and never will be!) but the punishments listed for the actions listed are, in my mind, excessive. Weed and vaping (is she actually addicted or just partaking?) are far less damaging and/or harmful than hard drugs or crime.
Can the cops. Have fun in juvie.
@medz
; p
Way to raise a perpetually resentful problem child, methinks.
; )
You came to the wrong place for this type of advice.
Just remember you are preparing her for success.
You aren’t her friend, but her parent.
Too many of my friends who had “cool”, understanding parents became dope-heads. It’s easy to say that’s their prerogative and “just let them be” but eventually they aren’t friends anymore because they either need money, or just present problems in your life.
That being said, if the friend is really the motivating factor, eventually that friend is going to let her down and probably no longer be a friend.
@jjnova
I think there is quite a bit of a middle ground between parent turns into a police person versus parent. Just lets kids do anything whenever
I suspect the first priority are some long conversations that are not hostile if possible
The kid will no doubt, be defensive
The idea is to get past the defensiveness
@f00l I don’t disagree, but I think those long conversation also need to have punishments/restrictions and adhered to for it to be successful.
My kid made a ton of bad choices. I finally sat down with her and we talked about that there are consequences to choices, if you don’t like the consequence then make a choice where you like the consequence. The trouble is, of course, that the consequence of a bad choice may mean social acceptance which out weighs anything else (in the case of my kid, take away everything she values for 24-48 hours since her time horizon wasn’t any longer than that and if they think they are already screwed, can’t see the end in sight, they go ahead and do whatever, on occasion I had to give her ways to earn credit against consequences - doing good things for the family in general with the focus on doing things that help others).
There were NO surprises though. She knew in advance what she was risking if she got caught. One time I caught her when she snuck out and she didn’t even wait for me to say anything. She said, “I know mom I know.” and went to drag her mattress into my bedroom. I asked her why. And she said, “I thought about it and decided the consequences were worth it.”. I said, “Oh so what you are telling me the consequences aren’t severe enough?”. She looked horrified. That gave a good opening into talking. I told her I was really happy she thought about it in advance (for her that was a first). We then talked about what she liked about sneaking out and if there were other ways she could do something that would make her as happy that didn’t involve sneaking out and using a fake ID. I then googled what went on at the clubs and she was a bit horrified about that (shootings, fights, rapes, drugged drinks…).
After she’d suffer the consequence and was done we’d talk about what she did that resulted in the consequence, what she should have done, what will she do next time, how can she convince herself to do that when the little voice in her head told her to go ahead and do whatever it was she wasn’t supposed go be doing that got her a consequence she didn’t like… Then I’d tell her she had a second chance get it right (umm yeah the millionth second chance as kids don’t have fully developed frontal lobes until about 30 so are not good about anticipating long term consequences of decisions - so I’d often help her think about them since they wouldn’t occur to her naturally).
We also talked about what she could say to blame me as the meanest mom in the entire universe (which gave her an out) if she didn’t want to do something that other kids wanted her to do with them; what she could say if they told her she wouldn’t be caught and have me find out…
With my kid (and they may be different with yours) the issues were fitting in, acceptance, not wanting to say no, not knowing how to say no where it wouldn’t reflect badly on her with her friends (as peers are so important and tend to have more influence over our kids than we do when they are teens which is why blaming me worked well), and I instituted small rewards for doing things a certain number of days in a row she was supposed to do- for example picking what was for dinner (food was important for her), doing one of her chores for her (her choice which one and when - tended to be dishes when the boys were outside playing basketball in the street), having enough “credits” to do something special she likes to do… (again all kid dependent).
Vaping though you are going to have to deal with addiction so that will be harder to stop. And depending on what is going on couseling may help if she is willing to open up to a counselor.
You are her parent though and not her friend. She may well be angry and try to emotionally manipulate you. Don’t react. Just let her rant without interruption and don’t get triggered by swear words (my kid once yelled at me, “I hate it when you use your calm voice when I’m trying to make you mad” LOL) and then pick up where you left off, saying something like, “I get it that you are pissed off. I am your parent and not your friend. My job is to do X and I realize that you may well not like that or me right now.”. (to which my kid typically responded, “You are not my mom - she is adopted - I hate you.”. I’d shrug and tell her, “I get it. You are really pissed off at me.” and then get back on track.
Counseling may or may not help depending on why she is doing what she is doing. I also had to change what I was doing. I left her alone at home far less which got in the way of some of her plans. I gave her more choices - not open ended, just between choices that were acceptable to me as teens tend to hate to be told what to do and how to do it and prefer to choose; also depending on what it was we’d talk about what choices made sense and I’d pick between the acceptable ones she came up with and one or two of mine and tell her to pick.
It’s not easy to deal with this stuff as the causes are not always clear cut. Some might be opportunity and if it is her job that gives the opportunity then putting some limits or telling her if she can’t figure out how to opt out. Helping her figure out how to in ways she finds acceptable even if it involves blaming you. My kid finally decided she was going to say, I didn’t want to risk getting caught by really mean mom as I gave her consequences tI really hate." They’d say, “You won’t be caught.”. She’d say, “I don’t want to risk it just in case.”. Usually, but not always, that would be enough (and occasionally some other kids who were going along because they were afraid to be the first person in the group to say no, would join her with saying no). I prompted her to suggest doing something else specific instead and sometimes this worked. I also told her if she could, without looking rude, walk away and start talking to someone else. Did it work all the time. Nope. But it worked enough of the time she started to feel more confident that her friends wouldn’t reject her if she said no.
We also talked about what happened when she said no; were her friends still her friends later? And when I was given an opening I asked her if her life would be easier if she was friends with some different people and/or wasn’t friends with someone who kept suggesting she do things that would get her in trouble if she got caught (this also presumes being in a setting where you can make different friends).
None of this is easy - for the parent or for the kid. Good luck.
Maybe it’s just me but why is no one is screaming about the parent who caught them smoking weed and didn’t inform you? They might be ok with their kid experimenting (or more) but who are they to make that decision on your behalf for your kid?
@j2 You can’t change what other people do or don’t do. It would give me good information about that parent and influence how I’d interact with them in the future, how much I’d trust them, etc. I might call them and in a non-confrontational way ask them if they’d be willing to let me know if he/she caught them again smoking weed.
It’s a pretty screwed up time right now for adolescents. There is a flood of youth depression and behavioral issues and really not enough infrastructure/professionals to handle it.
If the “worst” your teen is doing is what almost every other teen in the world has done growing up, your are doing ok. It’s normal, and actually pretty important, for adolescents to test and push boundaries, test out various forms of independence and a bit of good old fashioned disobedience can be a healthy growing and learning tool.
How you handle it will be the foundation of their communication and trust in the future. You could teach them to get better at hiding, and lying about, their extracurricular activities or you could be the place they come for help and answers when they break boundaries and feel scared or need answers.
Of course it’s a tough line to balance… You don’t want to seem like you don’t care if they do “bad” or “dangerous” things or like your are absolutely enabling them but you also want them to know they are allowed to make their own mistakes and can then be completely open and vulnerable with you with advice and help.
I’d definitely prefer my kid not go out and sneak alcohol but if they get a bit drunk and act stupid that’s not the end of the world. What I definitely want to get buried deep in their minds is how dangerous it could be if other choices are made… Like if drinking happens, do not get in a car, or drive, with others who are drinking… This is where the trust and vulnerability comes into play… If your kid knows you might be disappointed about the drinking but not enough to punish them to no end, but they know they can always call you to come pick them up since there are no sober drivers, that’s doing it right. Maybe “punish” them by not letting them sleep all day and have to do regular responsibilities with their hangovers so they see that there are real life consequences lol.
Drugs are the one area that scares the crap out of me though. Not like weed or shrooms, though I’d still prefer they wait until adulthood for that if they want to experiment, but with fentanyl especially being so damn dangerous and getting spliced into everything, it really scares me. So many kids (and adults) are dying not even knowing there was fentanyl in whatever they thought they were using… Beyond those who know and are gambling with it directly. My next door neighbor’s 17yo daughter died 2 years ago from exactly that, not realizing how easy it is to OD.
Teens will be teens no matter how strict or how locked down you make your household. Of course you want them to be safe, make good decisions and not just follow the crowd but in the end some of that is important to growing up. In fact artificially blocking every aspect with aggressive “helicopter” parenting can make them less prepared as young adults and could cause issues of acting out and overcompensating then anyway. On top of potential resentment and long-term trust issues with you. While of course anecdotal, some of the most screwed up adults I know were brought up in the most strict homes and children.
The OPs kid honestly sounds like they are doing really good and just some very basic, normal and arguably “healthy” adolescent misbehavior. Perfect teaching moments… Not directly about what “they did wrong” but about how to communicate with you and how to be as safe as possible with their less than ideal choices.