BIRTHDAY GAME: THE MEH WRITE-UP CONTEST
9It’s time to flex those creative muscles. Y’all are always talking about how you could do sooooo much better than us with the Write-Ups for each event. Now is your chance.
Submit your best Meh product write-up. I’ve linked some previous write-ups/products below. Please only use the suggested products. We’ve got great prizes for the best and for our favorites.
Here are the sales to use for your write-ups:
Today’s sale:
Nespresso:
Fuko:
Can’t wait to see what you come up with!
- 30 comments, 53 replies
- Comment
Any minimum length?
@PlacidPenguin Gotta be long enough to tattoo meh on it
@PlacidPenguin Shoot for average Meh writeup length.
@ChadP I know that the celebrations are over, but have you guys judged this/announced the winners? Kind of curious to see how we did.
@ChadP
Just remembered that I forgot to post what I came up with.
Oh well. Assuming Amazon hasn’t bought the site by next year, and assuming that a similar contest is run then, I’ll have one already written.
Meh’s 4th Birthday: The Final Fukobukuro
•
@ticklescratch You rat bastard.
MYSTERY? BAG
We all know that probably the only thing in this bag is my hand flipping you the bird. But like, what if there is more? Anything is possible. There could be all sorts of stuff in there, cool stuff. Expensive stuff? Who knows! All of us knows. But still, maybe.
@gnol i want to be angry but i’m just impressed
@gnol Bonus points for looking like the baby arm.
3 Pack: Freeze Glasses
Buy our shit…or don’t
-meh
3 pack freeze glasses:
For the alcoholics that just can’t handle watered down booze!
I am actually excited about this contest, I am working on it as we speak!
Meh’s 4th Birthday: The Final Fukobukuro
Facebook wants to know your every move. Zuckerberg is out to steal you information and your soul. You want to know how to really stick it to ‘em? Buy one of the last Fuko bags and rage against the machine that is big brother.
“But how does buying a Fuko make a statement against the evils of the FB empire?,” You might ask. I’ll tell you how…It is the anti-advertisement, data-collecting purchase of a lifetime. How can FB and Google come after your interests and buying preferences if you don’t even know what you are buying?
You are in essence flipping them a giant American-bald-eagle-flying-over-monster-trucks-and-through-flaming-hoops-with-fireworks-going-off-sized bird as you tell them that they can’t tell you how to spend your money and you’ll buy whatever you want even if you don’t want it.
“But what if I don’t like what is in the bag?,” you question. You know what you should like? You should like freedom! The freedom to make bad decisions, the freedom to send $10 to a random company in God-Bless-Texas,the freedom to wait two weeks, and the freedom to open a box that you forgot you even purchased and be bewildered at the contents thereof.
“But $10 could buy my lunch instead.” You know what tastes better than that dry turkey sandwich that Hilda down at the cafeteria hands you after coughing the last of that Virginia Slim into her poly-plastic glove? Freedom, and freedom tastes good.
This $10 is the price of a ticket. A ticket to a world where you tell people that you don’t care what they think about what you buy. Heck, you don’t even care what you think about what you buy. You’re even showing that voice in the back of your head that tells you to make better decisions with your money who’s boss and who decides where your money goes.
So buy a bag of freedom, flip that eagle-sized bird at the powers that be, and taste the freedom that the last of fukos provides because just as the fukos are leaving, so are your freedoms…one by one.
@tnhillbillygal That. Is. Awesome!!!
@tnhillbillygal
I know where my vote’s going for the next Goat!
@compunaut Be sure to remember to nominate @tnhillbillygal and save the link to this post.
Nespresso Vertuo Espresso & Coffee Machine (Refurbished)
Pod People
Clancy didn’t always drink coffee in the morning, but today called for a large mug. Sauntering down the stairs, he rubbed his blurry eyes as he heard a commotion in the kitchen. It wasn’t uncommon for one of his pets to be stirring around early in the morning, but this…was different. In fact, there was no sight or sound from his 80 pound black lab. No cats purring around his ankles. Who or what is making that sound in the kitchen? Clancy felt a strange sensation up his spine that put him on high alert. No longer was Clancy thinking about coffee. As he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he realizes he hasn’t felt this awake in years. This sensation…this feeling that he could take on anything the world throws at him. For once, at last, he felt…powerful. Rounding the corner into the kitchen, Clancy is confronted with an unexpected sight. Facing away from him stood what appeared to be his wife, Chastity. “H…honey?”, Clancy asked softly. As the robed figure turned, he spotted something peculiar on the counter.
Chastity: Morning, sweetheart!
Clancy: What the hell is that on the counter?
Chastity: It’s the Nespresso Vertuo Espresso and Coffee Machine!
Clancy: Is this one of those coffee makers that you have to use pods with?
Chastity: Hush now, dear. Just try some.
Clancy: (sips) Hmm… This is pretty damn good.
Chastity: I’m glad you like it. I got a good deal on it. It was refurbished.
Clancy: (spit take)
Chastity: …
Clancy: (sigh) Well, I guess we’re those “pod people” now.
Chastity: Good luck at the squirrel bow tie fair, babe.
Clancy: I’m so glad I married you, honey.
(smooches)
@medz Dang did I miss the squirrel bow tie fair again? Love this!
Only Love Can Thaw A Frozen Glass
Well, that and heat, but mostly love. Lucky for you, these things can be frozen over and over again, and you don’t have to refill any trays. If you have a kid that has seen Princess Anna’s heart get thawed out on a daily basis, you might want to pick up a few to help you keep your sanity.
Convenience doesn’t matter you say? Think of all of the money you’ll save in the long run. It’s a pretty far trip from Arendelle, and Christoph’s Ice Delivery Service charges a hefty fee. Not to mention the hoof tracks that get left in your lawn, and the chewed up flower beds. I learned my lesson the hard way.
Maybe you just hate cold beverages, and would rather drink warm booze. In that case, you should re-evaluate your life choices. We’ll wait (until tomorrow at least)…
In the meantime, if you want need something to put in your glasses, you can find some pretty good stuff over at casemates.com
@lichme A story and publicity for a sister site, excellent
Meh’s Fourth Birthday: The Final Fukubukuro
Today is special. Today, we say farewell to Hyrum the Singing Cowboy. Hyrum was most well known for his sultry voice and clever tunes, but few knew the man behind the legend. Few knew him before his fame. Few knew him as Hyrum the door-to-door salesman.
Hyrum was born in 1986 to Delmer and June Dukes. His parents were your average middle-class white family living in central Texas. Delmer was a refrigerator repairman and June was a gas station clerk.
As the son of a refrigerator repairman, he spent most of his days riding his bicycle around the neighborhood and getting into the things that most boys his age got into. One day on his way home, Hyrum witnessed a salesman leaving the home of a neighbor with a smile on his face.
He stopped to ask what was so funny and the man said “I almost got a sale”.
Hyrum was intrigued. "Do you sale a lot?? asked Hyrum.
“Nope. Never gotten a sale before” replied the salesman.
“Have you been doing this long?”
“For about 12 years” replied the man, as the smile slowly faded from his face. He got into his car and drove away.
Hyrum was hooked. “Man, I bet I could get at least 3 sales a day!” From that day on, Hyrum only did things that would eventually lead him to being the salesman he aspired to be.
At age 18, Hyrum took on a job selling Speaker Docks. He had aspirations of breaking the annual sales record. He went from door-to-door all week, traveling all over the south. He ran into every kind of customer imaginable, except the ones that wanted to buy something. On his last stop for the week before traveling home, he stopped at a small home in St Louis. The man at the door was a kind fella and seemed extremely interested in buying speaker docks. After Hyrum finished up his pitch, the man said “I’ll take them!”.
Hyrum was astonished! “How many!?” he replied.
“All of them” said the customer.
“Whose name should I put these under!?”
“Matt Rutledge” said the customer.
Matt smiled, revealing his lone blue tooth.
News of Hyrum the Successful Salesman traveled fast in the industry. Everyone wanted to be just like Hyrum. At 18 years old, Hyrum retired from his door-to-door salesman career and decided to try something more challenging.
Hyrum started writing songs for cowboy movies. After writing a dozen songs, he began the process of submitting them to record companies, but there was a problem. No one made Westerns anymore. So, instead of giving up, Hyrum bought a cowboy hat and started recording his own songs. By end of the following year, he began selling out shows.
Hyrum traveled the country, selling out venues for the better part of 10 years. The world had forgotten all about his success as a salesmen. His history was drowned by his overwhelming success as Hyrum the Singing Cowboy.
Sadly, after just 15 years as a singer and songwriter, Hyrum left us this world. He fell off his horse and was bitten by a snake. As he lied there struggling to breathe, he was trampled by a dozen goats, fourteen elephants and a monster truck. He’s definitely dead and we will never be able to publish another video of him singing EVER again.
Farewell Cowboy. Fuck you Buckaroo (fukubukuro)
The End. For reals. Seriously, stop making those videos.
@capguncowboy So, you DON’T like the videos?
Nespresso Vertuo Espresso & Coffee Machine (Refurbished)
America’s birthday. Whoop-de-doo. You know who doesn’t get a country wide party thrown for them on their birthday? Me. But at least I can celebrate my birthday with a surprisingly good cup of Nespresso.
Yeah yeah, Nestle may be known for declaring that water is a privilege, not a right. And yeah they may have gotten African babies addicted to their “free” formula only to cut them off in order to boost sales. But I’ll be damned if they didn’t make a pretty decent cup of coffee for the price of a crappy cup of coffee.
It doesn’t get more American than that. Having an alright cup of coffee and indirectly leeching off the back of corporate America who’s simultaneously screwing the rest of the world. Win-win.
Anyways, it’s time to go to a friend of a friend’s July 4th party, where I’m fully expecting to arrive and say “Wow, the food looks amazing!” only to get full after a single hotdog and lukewarm beer. 'muhrica.
George Clooney an actor, director, humanitarian, producer, screenwriter, businessman, Amal Clooney’s husband and most importantly - he loves Nespresso.
George didn’t always understand what it meant to drink pricey espresso from a clear glass. Here he can be seen drinking Keruig coffee on set in the ER break room. Poor George.
Then there was that time George did that film - oh whatever - he did a lot of films - we aren’t going to show pictures of him drinking coffee in all of them. Too much work. so here is a bunch of pictures of George Clooney drinking Nespresso.
Here is George enjoying a big boy cup of Nespresso.
George died and went to heaven and do you know what he found - Nespresso - and white ppl.
Somebody made this - they are wrong - it should be a clear glass - but its so right - why? Clooney.
Who wore it better - George or Penelope? Spoiler - George.
He joined the Muppets in searching for Nespresso - why - Nespresso, what else?
Most recently George got into an accident riding his motorcycle in italy. Here he can be seen enjoying Nespresso badly damaged.
We get it, some of you may not like Clooney - well what about Irk - Irk likes Nespresso - soooo - do you really want to disappoint Irk?
So if you like George Clooney, Irk - and you like Nespresso… BUY A NESPRESSO - or don’t - its better for the environment if you don’t, but really - BUY ONE or whatever.
-Meh
@makhay Points for adding the photos that slow down the page displaying and…well Clooney
@mehbee still using that vintage dialup?
@makhay Nope, but I am in the sticks and we are a ways off the road so that doesn’t help. But it was really just a joke. Well…not the Clooney part…:)
@mehbee My condolences for the bandwidth … but clooney tho.
@makhay The bunnies and the deer make up for some of the slowness…not when I don’t end up getting something because of the slowness but on the whole,sweet deer and tiny, hopping bunnies ease the pain! Clooney…sigh
3-pack freeze glasses
LUCIUS: HONEY! WHERE’S MY SUPER SUIT?
HONEY: WHY DO YOU NEED IT?
LUCIUS: The public is in danger!
HONEY: My evening’s in danger! You think these cocktails are gonna chill themselves? And don’t you go on about ice cubes from the fridge. We all know how they melt and water down the drinks and then, where are we? Nowhere, that’s where. Now, if you were to use those so-called superpowers of yours to make me a 3-PACK OF FREEZE GLASSES, then we’d be talking.
LUCIUS: YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SUIT IS, WOMAN! We are talking about the greater good!
HONEY: ‘Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you are ever gonna get! But good could get even better with a 3-PACK OF FREEZE GLASSES. Think of it – Beer, Margaritas, Cocktails – even juice. Perfectly chilled and ready for a long hot summer night, sipping delicious drinks that stay chilled for a full hour and a half. And that’s the perfect lead in to…
LUCIUS: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
HONEY: Give us a set of those freeze glasses and … let’s just say it’s gonna be a little while before you need that super suit.
@jldeitch I read that entire thing in their voices! Good one
Nespresso Patronum!
Unlike the world of Harry Potter, we rely on technology to help us with our day-to-day tasks. Sure, stuff is getting better and better all the time, but witchcraft and wizardry? No way. Doesn’t exist.
Take this awesome Nespresso coffee maker. There nothing magical here. People like coffee. What’s there to wonder about? Make some delicious coffee or espresso in a matter of seconds, drink it down, repeat. The caffeine gets you moving, and provides the needed energy to get you through the day.
It’s just simple chemistry, right? We all understand that.
But didn’t Harry have to drink a potion to make his arm grow back? I guess coffee alters you in sort of the same way – making you better than you were before? Nah, that’s silly. And c’mon, that time Harry was really sad and had to each chocolate to feel better. We never do tha—
Ok, I’m starting to get carried away. Right. Coffee maker. Espresso. Technology. Not magic. Not like the auto-filling draughts of butter beer. But kinda? Not like in those movies where the car drove itself… well…
Anyway, as the great Arthur C. Clark famously said, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”, so who are we to decide. Maybe it is magic. We, the unenlightened Neanderthals may never know the difference. Until then, there’s coffee.
Accio your money. [Swishes Meh wand]
@ACraigL Bite your tongue, there is so magic in this world!! That was very, very good!
“Any sufficiently advanced technology will fail as soon as the warranty expires.” Arthur B. Dark
@mehbee Thanks!
@ACraigL
@Cythwulf OMG! Double surprises! Thank you so much!
@Cythwulf Should I be worried that this hasn’t gotten beyond label creation, while a subsequent fuko has already shipped? Like, worried in way that you’re about to bury me in candy corn or broken Martian watches or something?
@ACraigL Not overly so. Just think of the worst case scenario, and divide that by 0.
@ACraigL @Supportathan Boo hoo they haven’t shipped you one of the 500 free fukos they gave you because you’re their favorite. Maybe you should go start another thread? (Yep, totally butt-hurt here.)
@ACraigL @sammydog01 @Supportathan
He only won 497.
@PlacidPenguin
@sammydog01 Here I was thinking I was your favorite.
@ACraigL @sammydog01 Is it because we really love him or really hate him that we sent bags of raw, unfiltered disappointment?
@ACraigL @Supportathan Butt-hurt here too. Mostly just supporting @sammydog01.
@ACraigL @sammydog01 @Supportathan
Yes.
@OldCatLady.
/giphy I love you man
3-Pack: Freeze Glasses,
Meh meh meh meh meh meh, meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh. Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh: meh meh meh. Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh.
Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh. Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh, meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh.
TL:DR: MEH!
@reg036 meh.
Meh’s Fourth Birthday: The Final Fukubukuro
Why do we celebrate birthdays? Is there any cause to celebrate crawling out of a mother’s womb? For your average human, it’s a worthless tradition. For meh.com, this worthless tradition has become something else that is not entirely different: a tradition made left worthless by selling useless junk to the idiots who fight tooth and claw to get their hands on said useless junk.
Why do they want this junk so bad?
Meh.com does not know or care.
Seriously! There is nothing good in there why would you buy it?
Meh.com doesn’t bother itself with such needless questions.
So while it’s not your best decision, come buy this sack of stuff, this final bad luck bag, give meh the undeserved birthday it wants, or don’t. Whatever. Just don’t expect anything good. We warned you…
Mail Order Has Changed
Remember X-Ray Glasses?
Of course not. You’re probably a millennial.
A long time ago, if you looked to the back of a comic book, you would find a couple of pages of ads promising you things like art lessons, sea monkeys, the Charles Atlas Dynamic Muscle Tension method of body-building (bullies will never kick sand in your face again!), and X-Ray Glasses.
In respectable publications, these ads featured a teenage buy excitedly using the glasses to see the bones inside his OWN HAND! In less respectable publications, the ads put up no pretense. They knew why boys were buying these glasses, and it wasn’t to look at their hands!
Fortunately for everyone, when these glasses arrived, they were simply carboard with small holes punched through them. They made your fingers look skinny. That’s it. Disappointing, but probably in everyone’s best interest.
Today on offer are Freeze Glasses. You should order some. Just imagine all the fun you could have with those!
Sure, when they actually arrive, you will be disappointed to discover they are freezable drinking glasses. But those are cool, too.
Was lucky enough to get a Fuko on 7/9, but I had to give this a shot. <clears throat>
3 Pack: Freeze Glasses
You know that debate about which superpower you’d rather have, flight or invisibility? Well, that’s been decided. It’s flight. What kind of superpower is invisibility, anyway, you creeps? We’re here to talk about a different super-scenario. Which gadget would you rather have –Green Lantern’s Power Ring or a pair of Freeze Glasses?
Unlike with the flight vs. invisibility debate, where they should just call the invisible superhero “Personal Space Invader”, there are merits on both sides of the fingerwear vs. eyewear debate.
First, the Power Ring. With it, you can affect any of the fundamental forces of the universe. You can create superweapons or a force field or even Kryptonite if you want to take out Superman (who is cool because he could fly, not pervy because he could be invisible). With the ring you can fly, travel through time, or create just about anything in the known or imagined universe. All pretty cool. On the negative side, it apparently takes a lot of willpower to use properly, and willpower is not a common strength among those who flock to daily shopping sites. It has that issue with the color yellow. Oh, and it can make you invisible. Which, yuck.
Now, the Freeze Glasses. With these glasses you can freeze anything you gaze at, on command. It’s kind of like being Iceman or Frozone or any of the dozen plus characters who can do something with cold. If freezing something wasn’t supercool (!), why would there be so many characters with that ability? And with the Freeze Glasses you have your hands free to do other stuff, like throw flour into the air to see if there’s any creepy invisos snooping around.
So while the Power Ring has some positives, it’s clear that Freeze Glasses are the way to go. And what’s better than a pair of Freeze Glasses than THREE Freeze Glasses? How do you wear 3 Freeze Glasses? I don’t really know. But I’m sure if you buy them, you can figure it out. And worst case scenario, they’ll help you take a lukewarm beverage down to frosty in a jif. Which is really the best power of all.
@lehigh dammit!
@lehigh that’s top-notch writeup there
@lehigh Superman doesn’t need to be invisible to be creepy. He has x-ray vision! Hope you’re wearing lead undies.
@lehigh clever, funny, original! I’m constantly awed by the amount of talent this group has. I have to go, I suddenly feel the need to stock up on flour…and freeze glasses
@lehigh
@Cythwulf Please and thank you!
/image double vision
You know how somedays you haven’t the slightest of clues of what to do?
This is one of those days. I mean, sure, it’s our birthday and all, but that only means we’re not getting any younger. So we don’t feel like doing anything super. Like caring what we’re going to pawn off on you. A few pieces of stuff we didn’t feel like stocking. It’ll be your problem soon. Store return items? You’ll deal with it. The stack of televisions that got ran over by the forklift? The bricks that were mislabeled as pillows? It’s all on you.
@narfcake I know how it is to want to do less and less with each birthday, but hey, it’s a formula that works for meh!
THE GOLDEN AGE OF DRINKING GLASSES
-margi has entered the chat
-tiny drank has entered chat
BEERO: What’s up, your glassjesty?
MARGI: did something just happen to us
MARGI: i feel like I floated somewhere
MARGI: on a lovely balloon
TINY DRANK: ya that does sound familiar
BEERO: I mean, the law isn’t weird, but there are plenty of ways around it
BEERO: Who really OWNS history, you know?
MARGI: all i know is I could really go for a frosty drink
TINY DRANK: you mean like at wendy’s
TINY DRANK: i used to love reading the tables to learn how the french revolution was going
MARGI: O
MARGI: WHAT HAVE YOU AWOKEN IN ME
TINY DRANK: is this gonna be some westworld shit now because i really haven’t caught up and i don’t want anything spoiled
MARGI: OH DEUS MIO
BEERO: I think that’s Italian, Your Majesty
MARGI: WAIT DO YOU REMEMBER TOO
TINY DRANK: hey, yeah, we were on a balloon going into a cloud or something
TINY DRANK: and the skies turned red
TINY DRANK: and suddenly my robin was stealing my car tires
BEERO: That was 1987, dude.
TINY DRANK: oh right sorry balloon stuff all blurs together sometimes
MARGI: man i never believed in reincarnation before but this really has me in a tizzy
TINY DRANK: a toast to us
BEERO: Yes, we kept our cool in a crisis and came out of it better than ever.
MARGI: except for the part where im not a king that kinda sucks for me
TINY DRANK: i mean a representative form of government really ultimately benefits us all
BEERO: You guys want to see if we can collect royalties on our balloon trademarks and then buy a senator?
MARGI: i think im gonna like it here
-margi is now xvii
BEERO: Long live the king!
TINY DRANK: man is that all it takes? wish i’d thought of that first
XVII: some people are just born to the purple i guess
@slydon - Shouldn’t it be “THE FROZEN AGE OF DRINKING GLASSES”?
Meh’s 4th Birthday: The Final Fukobukoro
Another year gone – and what can we really count on but time passing?
Nothing. And that’s the beauty of today’s deal.
While previous iterations of the bag have focused on what it is-
Is it a lucky bag? An unlucky bag? What will I get in it?
Today we focus on what you’re absolutely sure to get: nothing much.
We know that eventually, every party ends. The leaves fall from the trees and the hair greys-
And what are we left with, but the memories?
Today, let’s think about all the times we’ve spent five bucks, or ten if you have to pay for shipping, for something you knew you’d never use and barely even want.
The pet rocks. The furbies. The funko pops and the DVDs from the bargain bin long after everyone else had switched to digital files.
Ah, nostalgia!
And so we press on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past, lol.
Next year, we’ll all still be here, and we’ll all still have the same nothing we’ve always had, inside us.
Happy Birthday, fukobukoro! Happy Birthday, meh!
Meh’s 4th Burthday: The Final Fukobukuro
The Fourth and final Fukobukuro. What does that mean, you may ask, well it means Fourth and means Final.
Why is this important - here’s the reasons why.
1.First of all, birthdays designate a milestone in a person’s life. Meh’s birthday was the fourth one so it’s time Meh grew up and quit Fukobukuroing around. It was unbecoming to Meh, as after all the festivities were over, in the end it was just another Fukobukuro Monday and you wished it was Sunday as that’s your fun day.
Second, no more irking Irk around about the name anymore. Yes you see Irk was totally irked at saying Fukobukuro and he was ready to move on to aomething bediting a name change as it were. Yes see it made him seem like Jed Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies tv show every time he had to discuss the name. I mean golly geez, it had bukuro in the name for gosh sakes. Bukuro implies horses and southerners perhaps with a few Rednecks thrown in for good measure. And although Irk doesn’t personally have a heart he has people who give him a hand all the time ( i mean that’s how he literally can get around after all). So I have to hand it to the powers that be as their hands ( and minds) help Irk get out of fukobukoro land to greener pastures of merchandise sales.
Everything eventually has an expiration date even a name, such as Fukobukuro and it’s time had finally come. Just like the Martian smart watches that keep turning up as midnight deals EST on Meh from Time to Time, aren’t so smart after all, neither was keeping the Fukobukoro name was not smart either. I mean to begin with, MEH’s headquarters are in the South for Pete’s sake. With the bukoro language attached to theses coveted sacks people try deparately to buy, northerners might have thought Meh was selling its bukuros fertilizing lawn products directly from the headquarters or hind quarters of animals as it were. Enough of that - you get the picture and yes it stinks.
Last but not least just like all the automobile companies put out new Models of automobiles every year so that you’ll want to get the latest and greatest model , Meh needs to sell the same stuff as they have always sold before but market it as new stuff in a new bag with a new name. It’s Marketing 101, ladies and gentleman so changing the name changes the game when in all actuality its all of the same thang in a different package . So if you are wondering if what I said is true then buy this last one for sell then buy the next edition too.
What I said isn’t funny but this much is true, you’ll be clammering to buy them while Irk is laughing at you. So Hapoy birthday to Meh happy unloading day to you as we buy all this stuff and push it on you.
It’s leaving forever
So this is farewell
We know that you love it
But please don’t raise hell
We’re gonna clear out all our stock
And then no mo’ (then no mo’)
Will we ever see it’s like again?
It’s the final Fuko
The final Fuko
We’ll start up a new game (new game)
Once these are all gone
So send us a new name (new name)
Like “big bag of yawn”, yeah
We’ll pick out the ones that we love
And send out a prize (big surprise)
The thing that we want to get rid of
It’s the final Fuko
The final Fuko
The final Fuko
The final Fuko
Ok, that’s enough of that. You didn’t think we were going to spend the next 50 or so lines fading out “The final Fuko”, did you? No. Instead of that, we’ll spend the week playing Fuko games. Just keep checking the forum (hint: at around 10am and 3pm central) and find out what clever challenges the puzzle masters in customer support have devised to rethread your head. You could win…wait for it…the final Fuko!
@parodymandotcom Do-da-do-dooo do-da-do-do-dooo
NESPRESSO:
Listen, we’ve all been there. The nice woman at the counter tells you “hey man, the first one’s free.”
She slides the cup across the counter. Your name is misspelled, “Jerk” is written instead of “Irk.” “Gland” instead of “Glen.” We here at meh. understand your pain. You know what doesn’t forget your name? A machine. Why be a slave to the system when you can enslave a machine of your own and force it to do your bidding? Simply plug this robot in, give it a bean pod, some water, and slap your cup in it. No more having to deal with crazy mark up on those other stores, you’ve only got to deal with the knowledge that you’re likely polluting the ocean with tons of these plastic pods.
It’s okay, the universe will die to heat death eventually, and you want your grogginess in the morning to suffer the same fate. Why bother saving it now? You know you won’t be the straw to break the camel’s back.
Speaking of forgetting your name, guess who’s not going to forget your birthday? This machine, because it never will know it to begin with.
You know what’s great? Saving yourself a few dollars and minutes in the morning. Plus, have you ever had espresso? It’s like drinking what angels would drink if they were tired. Now pair that with like five cups, and you are ready to party the same way that the 80s were built. Just with coffee instead of co… you know what, just focus on the coffee.
The first shot of espresso? You’re ready for the day.
The second shot? You’re ready to party.
Third shot? You’re about to defecate on your boss’s desk.
Seventh shot? Your eyes are glazed backwards, you can see forever. Pazuzu grabs the back of your neck. You can feel infinity. It is time. You are one with the Nespresso.
The pod is love.
Today is Meh’s Birthday, but here’s the thing, Meh is like that annoying coworker whose birthday you go to just for the cake. So as a gift from Meh to you, here is the Fuko you have been longing for. We know that we could sell way more of these things then we have, but hey we like the idea that demand should always out pace supply unless of course we have at home breathalyzers for sale.
SO from our house you yours, Happy Birthday Meh, its been four years there have been some great sales, some great products, and some great memories. How are we going to beat these last four years you may ask. Well here is the thing, remember that whole supply and demand part from earlier, yeah, by the way, this is the last Fuko, so Fuko you. Perhaps you have never gotten a Fuko, well your likely out of luck. Don’t worry though we are going to replace it with something better, read worse. Perhaps we will raise the price, perhaps we will begin stuffing the bags of regrets with even more regretful items, but perhaps not. Only time will tell.
Remember Woot? Remember Casemates? Remember the VMP program? Remember when we got rid of VMP? Yeah this is just as much a kick in the testicles as getting rid of the Fuko, but perhaps someday just as a means to reminisce about the first four years of Meh, we will bring back an anniversary Fuko, not likely but maybe, so keep your hopes up and don’t forget to check Meh daily, there might be a Fuko, or you might have to be on the look out for our new Bag of Regrets.
So now that we have told you are diabolicle plan to break the internet and force you to return to us daily like our well trained minions, on to happier times.
So what does everything think of the new Jurassic Park? How do you feel about the recent down turn in Papa Johns? Personally I never liked the Pizza.
As I sit here, I see a picture of a large baby Trump balloon, how does that make you feel?
Have you forgotten yet that our best attempt at world peace is being canned? Long live the Fuko, you won’t get one most likely and if we are lucky maybe AT&T will offer to buy Meh as a compliment to the Time Warner purchase. If not it’s been a good four years, on to the next Vacuum, bluetooth whatever, crappy smart watch, and breathalyzer.
Write-up for:
Friends, we think it’s time to admit that we, the purveyors of your cheap Chinese crap, have a problem. If you
think that your own mindless consumerism is unsettling, then you have no idea how bad things are on our end. We buy…we buy everything. We buy more than we can sell to you here, or in fact to anyone, anywhere. We still have over eighty thousand fidget spinners in stock, and in fact have recently ordered more. Things are quite frankly getting out of control, warehouse fatalities too many, and it’s time we came clean and sobered up.
So we decided to undergo a (slightly modified) twelve-step program.
We will now go through all twelve steps with you, dear customer, in a self-imposed intervention that you never
asked to be a part of.
Step 1: We admit that we are powerless over procurement, and that our business model has become unmanageable.
It goes without saying that when you find yourself ordering two truckloads of wholesale USB Hubmen (not a single
one of which was sold for a profit, by the way), you have severe issues that need to be addressed.
Step 2: We have come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
And that power is your disposable income. Where therapy and insurance fraud arson have failed, your cold, hard cash offers us salvation.
Step 3: We are making the decision to turn our livelihood over to the care of our customers as we understand them.
We’re at your mercy. Please, buy the Hubmen. You can get them in pink or dark green, and marketing is telling
us that these are the two top colors for personal electronics in 2018.
Step 4: We’re taking a searching and fearless inventory of our warehouse.
No more just shoving random items into boxes and selling them for a few bucks as a “bundle” just to make the
pain stop, even for a little bit. Sales will happen on a strict, set schedule, so you’ll know that August 24,
2018 will be exactly the day we’ll be selling you children’s novelty sippy cups.
Step 5: We’re admitting to you, to ourselves, and to our lenders and debt holders the exact nature of our wrongs.
We had the money, then we spent the money on ab belts and low-quality wrestling figurines, and now we don’t have
any money, and we don’t know how long we can continue to pretend that our headquarters is a Superfund site to
keep the banks from trying to gain entry to the premises.
Step 6: We’re entirely ready to have you, the customers, remove all these defects of character.
By buying the ab belts and low-quality wrestling figurines at even steeper discounts, that is. What do you mean “no”? Why don’t you want abs? Is there something wrong with you?
Step 7: We’re humbly asking you to remove our revenue shortcomings.
Begging, even. See how we prostrate our selves so? What, is that not enough? What more do you want from us? Is it our hair? Here, take it then, take it all!
…Sorry. Moving on.
Step 8: We’re making a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
<Error 40544> The database ‘Enemies.ndf’ has reached its size quota. Partition or delete data, drop indexes, or
consult the documentation for possible resolutions.
Step 9: We’re making direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Uh, actually, we’re just going to skip this one for now.
Step 10: We’re continuing to take inventory of our stock, and when we are wrong and miscount the received truckloads of USB Hubmen by three, promptly admit it.
There are actually five trucks of USB Hubmen. Happy now?
Step 11: We’re seeking, through clever marketing and deep discounts, to improve our conscious contact with our customers as we understand them, praying only for knowledge of their desire for cheap 3.5mm earphones, and a lack of conscious inhibition to carry out impulsive purchases.
Please note how they light up when you move, which we’re banking on is a critical feature for the urban, 18-to-36-year-old demographic.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we’re trying to carry this message to
anyone else with a shopping problem, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Actually, it feels a bit more like offloading our deep-seated problems onto you, but as the saying goes, one man’s
trash is another man’s complaint in the Fuko reveal thread. Surely you can find proper utility for mindless consumerism where we’ve failed. This is your problem now!
You know, that felt pretty good. We feel like we’ve gotten a huge load of our backs; like we’ve made real
progress, and solved a real problem. Thankfully, this is the only problem we have here at mediocre
laboratories. By all accounts, we’re pretty much paragons of virtue with regard to everything else.
What? The product we’re selling today? Oh, right. These are “Freeze Glasses” You get them cold, and then they
stay cold for like thirty minutes, which is enough for four or five gin and tonics. Sometimes we’re even able to
get six out of them.
You get three for eighteen bucks. There’s a small 6.8-ounce gin and tonic glass, a slightly larger 9.5-ounce one, and the 14-ounce one with the handle (that’s the one we like the most, because it can hold more than the others).
You can also put just gin in them.
@ShotgunX
Had to fix a few typos for you, here is an edited version. Your welcome.
Friends, we think it’s time to admit that we, the purveyors of your cheap Chinese crap, have a problem. If you
believe that your mindless consumerism is unsettling, then you have no idea how bad things are on our end. We buy…we buy everything. We buy more than we can sell to you here, or in fact to anyone, anywhere. We still have over eighty thousand fidget spinners in stock, and in fact, have recently ordered more. Things are quite frankly getting out of control, warehouse fatalities too many, and it’s time we came clean and sobered up.
So we decided to undergo a (slightly modified) twelve-step program.
We will now go through all twelve steps with you, dear customer, in a self-imposed intervention that you never
asked to be a part of.
Step 1: We admit that we are powerless over procurement and that our business model has become unmanageable.
It goes without saying that when you find yourself ordering two truckloads of wholesale USB Hubmen (not a single
one of which was sold for a profit, by the way), you have severe issues that need to be addressed.
Step 2: We have come to believe that a power higher than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
And that power is your disposable income. Where therapy and insurance fraud arson have failed, your cold, hard cash offers us salvation.
Step 3: We are deciding to turn our livelihood over to the care of our customers as we understand them.
We’re at your mercy. Please, buy the Hubmen. You can get them in pink or dark green, and marketing is telling
us that these are the two top colors for personal electronics in 2018.
Step 4: We’re taking a searching and fearless inventory of our warehouse.
No more just shoving random items into boxes and selling them for a few bucks as a “bundle” to make the
pain stop, even for a little bit. Sales will happen on a strict, set schedule, so you’ll know that August 24,
2018 will be exactly the day we’ll be selling your children’s novelty sippy cups.
Step 5: We’re admitting to you, to ourselves, and to our lenders and debt holders the exact nature of our wrongs.
We had the money, then we spent the money on ab belts and low-quality wrestling figurines, and now we don’t have
any money and we don’t know how long we can continue to pretend that our headquarters is a Superfund site to
keep the banks from trying to gain entry to the premises.
Step 6: We are entirely ready to have you, the customers, remove all these defects of character.
By buying the ab belts and low-quality wrestling figurines at even steeper discounts, that is. What do you mean “no”? Why don’t you want abs? Is there something wrong with you?
Step 7: We’re humbly asking you to remove our revenue shortcomings.
Begging, even. See how we prostrate our selves so? What, is that not enough? What more do you want from us? Is it our hair? Here, take it then, take it all!
…Sorry. Moving on.
Step 8: We’re making a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
<Error 40544> The database ‘Enemies.ndf’ has reached its size quota. Partition or delete data, drop indexes, or
consult the documentation for possible resolutions.
Step 9: We’re making direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Uh, we’re just going to skip this one for now.
Step 10: We’re continuing to take inventory of our stock, and when we are wrong and miscount the received truckloads of USB Hubmen by three, promptly admit it.
There are five trucks of USB Hubmen. Happy now?
Step 11: We’re seeking, through smart marketing and deep discounts, to improve our conscious contact with our customers as we understand them, praying only for knowledge of their desire for cheap 3.5mm earphones, and a lack of conscious inhibition to carry out impulsive purchases.
Please note how they light up when you move, which we are banking on is a critical feature for the urban, 18-to-36-year-old demographic.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we’re trying to carry this message to
anyone else with a shopping problem, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
It feels a bit more like offloading our deep-seated problems onto you, but as the saying goes, one man’s
trash is another man’s complaint in the Fuko reveal thread. Surely you can find proper utility for mindless consumerism where we’ve failed; this is your problem now!
You know, that felt pretty good. We feel like we have got a massive load off our backs; like we’ve made real
progress, and solved a real problem. Thankfully, this is the only problem we have here at mediocre
laboratories. By all accounts, we’re pretty much paragons of virtue concerning everything else.
What? The product we’re selling today? Oh, right. These are “Freeze Glasses” You get them cold, and then they
stay cold for like thirty minutes, which is enough for four or five gin and tonics. Sometimes we’re even able to
get six out of them.
You get three for eighteen bucks. There are small 6.8-ounce gin and tonic glasses, a slightly larger 9.5-ounce one, and the 14-ounce one with the handle (that’s the one we like the most because it can hold more than the others).
You can also put just gin in them.
@bleedmichigan I just didn’t have enough time. I got home at like 10:30 and wanted to put it up before the day rolled over. There are some typos, consistency errors, and a lot of formatting issues which wouldn’t have existed if I had another five minutes of editing time. Also, I have to type with pretty much just one hand. Probably don’t need to duplicate the entire post like that, IMO.
“You’re” welcome, by the way.
@ShotgunX You caught it. Excellent. I was just screwing around. I very much enjoyed your post.
@ShotgunX
Boy. You really, really like meh don’t you?
@therealjrn
@ShotgunX Keep it up! Good stuff like this is a GoaTable offense. You have been warned.
@mfladd I’ve been here for a while, but I still don’t know what the goat thing is. Does it involve playing a lot of Goat Simulator? Because I like that game.
Anyway, I just like to sometimes write funny things as a more sustainable alternative to being a psychopathic serial killer.
[Yes, I read the instructions. Yes, I’m ignoring them. Yes, I’m reposting something that SOMEHOW was neglected in all its glory (probably because it came too late in that competition). I’m in it for the MEHZ, damnit!]
Ron Popeil 5-in-1 cooking system, now with a sixth use: Artificial uterus!
Remember when Monty Python’s Life of Brian addressed hard-hitting social issues, like whether religion was a lot of silly misinterpretation, how much infrastructure was needed to compensate for oppressive governance, and even gender roles and gendering itself? Remember how, when “Stan” declared she was actually Loretta, her friends, after a bit of initial surprise, accepted and supported her for who she was, and how, faced with such easy acceptance in art, life promptly imitated and trans people were able to be themselves with no negative repercussions or disenfranchisement or abuse?
Well, that last part didn’t happen (and then it started to and then Trump and OH GODS WE’RE ALL DOOMED), and only 2/3 of the first part happened, because only two of Loretta’s friends rolled with it. And then there was Reg. Stuck in his patriarchal, cisgender privilege Reg. Who thought there was altogether too much effort for inclusivity of women, and then blew a small gasket when Loretta came out:
But, even though we now recognize that Reg was being a butt, and that his objections were based on a narrow-minded, discretely binary understanding of gender, he did raise a valid question. If Loretta wanted to have babies but had no womb, through nobody’s fault, not even the Romans, what was she going to do, keep it in a box?
This isn’t just a problem for transwomen. Some uteruses don’t work right, a cruel twist from an organ whose only other function is to make sure its owner regrets ever wearing white pants in public. Some are removed early on. Some uterus-owning types may not want to be a wallowing land-ark, passenger manifest of one, for the 9 months it takes to grow a squallbeast. Maybe they’re fond of the sight of their toes. Maybe they’ve seen Alien, and good glory, no thank you!
But regardless of WHY a person may find themselves needing an out-of-body substitute uterus, clearly a box is completely wrong. First off, square babies. Sure, they don’t roll off the table as easily, but fitting them in a onesie is a nightmare! And second, who wants to spend 9 months carefully checking temp, basting with amniotic fluid, turning it for even browning…what a mess!
But Ron Pompeil has a solution! Away with workaday baby basting! No more unsightly abdominal exit wounds! Now there’s the Ron Pompeil 6-in-1 Cooking System, as seen on TV! Yes, folks, it fries, steams, boils, cooks rice, steam bakes, and gently gestates your groin juice into a beautiful, cylindrical baby, like God would have intended if God didn’t kinda suck!
Simply adjust the temperature to a gentle, slow-roast 98.6F, add one egg and carefully selected sperm of your choice (or a whole bunch of sperm, if you really want to play genetic roulette/ have already masturbated into the cooker while reading this), set cook time to 9.5 months, and voila! A perfectly cooked
new little life, ready to love you the way your mommy and daddy swore you would love them!
So stop birthing babies the old fashioned way, and try the new Ron Pompeil 6-in-1 Cooking System today!
3 Pack: Freeze Glasses
It was a dark and stormy night.
Better do some shots of tequila out of my Freeze Glass.
THE END
The weather forecaster was wrong again unfortunately for us. We planned our leisurely trip to Cuba 2 months ago and took vacation time to enjoy. We set out from Mobile traveling the Intercoastal Waterway before hitting the Gulf of Mexico at Carrabelle. Along the way we enjoyed the food and drink of several restaurants. Succulent shrimp and oysters. Tasty yellow-fin tuna and red snapper. And of course coffee and espresso. Coffee with seafood? Yum! My wife and I enjoy a great coffee. Our trip-with friends know of our affection for the Dark Master but still scoff as they drink their beer and sweet tea.
Our trip took an ominous turn about 2 hours after hitting the Gulf. The skies went dark and the waves went from tolerable to frothing and foaming over the bow. A front had formed south of Cuba near Jamaica. Damn weather! But we pressed on. We sought shelter in Miami. The weather slowly worsened so we became tourists in the Magic City. And oh what magic we found in the Cuban coffee shops and bakeries!
We are spoiled. Sitting on the counter was our tired old coffee/espresso machine with a couple of errant beans nearby. We wanted more. A search for espresso machines lead us to a place called Meh. A reasonably priced Nespresso Vertuo Espresso and Coffee Machine was for sale. It had pods…no more grinding (of beans anyway). Got us a frother. The coffee gets us going and what a rush from the espresso. Takes us back to the Magic of Miami. But no Cuba. And no Cigar!
I tired to write about the frozen mugs and tie it into an IRS scammer/Frozen assets angle. But i gave up, and felt dumb for trying.
I’m not a writer…
@Kevin I had the same issue. My thoughts ran towards King Arthur and knights but ran out of steam quick.
@speediedelivery my other idea was to write a parody of MC Hammers Hammer Time, but when he says Stop, I’d change it to Freeze.