The Subtle Not-Super-Pushy Soccer Star Kit

  • You get a Ferrari-branded soccer ball
  • You also get several things that have nothing to do with soccer.
  • Like a pair of caped superhero socks, a Star Wars toy, 10 TeenyMates and a Bluetooth fidget spinner
  • But last time I checked, your kid can’t buy you a yacht when you’re 65 by being a professional fidget spinner spinner
  • KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE, PARENTS!
  • Model: N0TJU5TS0CC3R-W1NK-W1NK
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One Man's Dreams Are His Kid's Reality

You watch the World Cup and think: Why didn’t I ever play soccer? Or if you did, you think: Why did I give up? Why didn’t I keep working on my game? You consider rectifying this now: getting a ball and kicking it around the backyard. But not really. Because you don’t want to play soccer. You want the glory. You want to feel the weight of your country on your shoulders as you kick in the game-winning goal. But the time has passed.

For you.

Your kids, though? They’re young. They’ve got their whole lives ahead of them. That’s why you need to buy them this, The Subtle Not-Super-Pushy Soccer Star Kit.

Now, you might be wondering what does all this stuff (other than the soccer ball, obviously) have to do with soccer. The answer: nothing. That’s the whole point. Because sure, you can run drills all day and breakdown Messi highlights all night. But kids are rebellious. You say to them, “You’re going to live the wild super-exciting life of a soccer star, dammit!” And they’ll do everything in their power to become a bankteller.

No, you need to play it cool. Give them the fidget spinner, the TeenyMates, Star Wars toy and pair of caped superhero socks. Roll the soccer ball out last and say, “You know, if you want to play later.” Make it seem like an afterthought. Then, over the course of the next couple weeks, hide everything so that only the soccer ball remains. Now, suddenly, there is no option but to hone those skills!

And what’s more: your kids, devoid of other toys, will think they’re the ones who want to play! Many years, trophies, and actual Ferraris from now, someone will ask them about their parents, and they’ll say, “Oh no, they weren’t the weird controlling types. They bought us toys of all kinds. It was us who chose soccer. They just encouraged our dreams.”

And those dreams start here!

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