SimpliSafe DEFEND 11-Piece Security System

  • You can control it from your iPhone or your Android, using what we in the biz call ‘an app.’
  • It won’t go off whenever your cat moves from the bed to the couch because it’s one with nature. Or something.
  • Pieces include: base station, the keypad, 2 motion detectors, 5 entry sensors, and a keychain remote.
  • This is $10 cheaper than the last time we sold it.
  • But you can’t put a price on security.
  • Although, I guess we just did?
  • Model: SS2-DEF2, which, for some reason, feels appropriately intense for a security system’s model number.
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The Day Butler's Concern

Dear Journal,

I noticed something unnerving today: my weekly candelabra count seemed high.

I by no means pretend to have memorized how many candelabras Lord Clyde has stored in the spare solarium, and yet still, something was undoubtedly off. So I checked my ledger and sure enough, five additional candelabras had appeared since last week. Making matters worse, some of them were quite erotic, in an abstract way. I know because I felt myself blushing without reason until I realized the various candle arms twisted in ways that implied acts well beyond chaste society.

This is an issue, of course, given that the candelabras are only ever used during Lord Clyde’s Banquet of Ideas, wherein, hidden among the various items of the feast are small sheets of paper with conversation prompts. Someone might bite into their pheasant and find a note asking for their (hopefully non controversial) opinion on a subject, or how they might solve a problem running rampant within the greater aristocratic community, or what have you.

Given that the attendees were all, like Lord Clyde himself, educated at The Institute of Refinement and Civility, they will likely break at in hives at the sight of something as obscene these new candelabras, whether or not the lewdness registers on a conscious level–so ingrained in them is their prudishness that even their latent revulsion exhibits itself as a physical ailment.

And while the Banquet of Ideas is one of the rare occasions when all of Lord Clyde’s various butlers work together, I alone serve as ‘team lead.’ Thus, the additions of these new candelabras is not merely an attempt to sabotage the banquet; it is an attempt to humiliate me in front of both my employer and my coworkers. And it might have worked, had I not been so fastidious in my candelabra inventory-taking.

But I will not remove the offensive new pieces. Because I have an idea who did this. I believe it to be the Night Butler, who, thinking all in the house are asleep, can often be heard soliloquizing about my professional demise and his subsequent usurpation of my much more appealing day shift as he makes his evening rounds.

Thus, I have gone ahead and etched his name into the bottom of the various new erotic candelabras, so that, when the Banquet of Ideas ends in an embarrassment of itching sores, he will bear the blame he deserves.

Furthermore, I have installed a SimpliSafe DEFEND security system in the candelabra-containing solarium, to better monitor activity there. With its 2 motion sensors, 6 entry sensors, keychain remote, and keypad, it’s likely more than I need. But you can never be too careful with these other butlers.

Until my next entry,
The Day Butler

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