Batting Clean Up

At this point, robot vacuum cleaners require about as much explanation as backpacks or doorstoppers. By which we mean: they’re so common, there’s not much for us to say that you, as a modern person, don’t already know.

This one, from Shark, boasts many of the usual features. It’ll navigate your home without much effort, memorizing the layout for maximum efficiency. It can vacuum and mop, switching between the two modes automatically. And it can run for about 120 minutes per charge, allowing it to cover a good distance before it heads back to its dock to power back up.

In terms of control and schedule-setting, it’s pretty straightforward. You can use the SharkClean App, or set it up to respond to voice commands via Alexa or Google Assistant.

And, per @sondieb, it does a great job:

I got this last time it was offered here and I LOVE THIS THING! It mapped my house spot on the first time it ran. I have 2 cats and a dog (and grandkids that are over alot) and I have to say I don’t remember the last time I actually had to vacuum. This is a great product!

In other words, it almost sounds like the ultimate robot vacuum.

Only, it’s not.

But it can be! You just need to follow these simple steps:

1. Purchase the Shark Matrix.

2. Set it up and allow it to map and clean your home at least once unencumbered, so that it can get the lay of the land.

3. Purchase this Bluetooth speaker from SideDeal.

4. Take an hour or two to record yourself saying, in a weird Muppet-y voice, “Nom, nom, nom, nom” over and over. Ideally, you should put these into several tracks rather than one lengthy recording, and break up the noms with an occasional something like, 'Yum, I love dirt!" Or “Oooh! Cat hair, my favorite!”

5. Arrange these tracks in a playlist.

6. Adhere the speaker to the Shark Matrix with duct tape and stream the nom-noms as the vacuum goes about cleaning your house, so it sounds like it’s happily eating.

7. Laugh at your comedic genius.

Conversely, you put a fin on it and play the Jaws theme through the speaker.

Or buy the Shark and don’t do any of this. We don’t care. What’s important to us is that you’re happy. And also that you spend money on our site. That’s really important to us too.