Rare Antiqui-tees

  • They’re shirts referencing Indiana Jones
  • You’d presumably put them on your body
  • Someone might point at you and go, “Hey, I get that reference!”
  • After that you’re on your own
  • Sizing Chart
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Now Museum

Indiana Jones is back again. Again. Wild, isn’t it? Harrison Ford is 80 years old, and they’re still tossing him into these action-packed blockbusters.

Yet it’s so easy to feel as we ourselves get older that our value and competence are steadily decreasing. Is that really the case, though? Are we all used up? Obsolete? Rubbish?

No, I say! You stand yourself in front of a mirror, you look yourself right in the eye, and you say with pride, “I belong in a museum.” Like a positive self-affirmation. You know what the old things in museums are considered? Priceless artifacts. Invaluable sources of knowledge. Things worth keeping around.

I mean, if Harrison Ford can still be Indiana Jones at freaking 80 years old, still draw tons of people to theaters, there might be some hope for the rest of us, right? Maybe?

Granted, that’s certainly a man who belongs in a museum. Give him a chair in the Smithsonian behind some ropes. Put a bunch of benches outside around him. Let him just go off, talk about whatever the hell he wants to. It’d be great.

But this is about us too, not just Harrison Ford.

You should treat yourself like a fine antique. Handle yourself with care. Get appraised (by a doctor, I guess). Have a bored gentleman stand a couple feet away and tell people, “Please don’t touch that, ma’am, it’s fragile.”

And later, when the Nazis try to steal you and use you for nefarious purposes, you melt their faces off.

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