Philips Sonicare DiamondClean Electric Toothbrush w/ 3 DiamondClean Brush Heads

  • Plenty of electric toothbrushes claim to be the best toothbrushes
  • This one actually is one of the best
  • 62,000 brush movements per minute
  • A number of different features for cleaning, whitening, etc.
  • I use this toothbrush (it rules)
  • Model: HX9353/80, HX9363/81, which makes you wonder: what are the other 79 colors?
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Unbrushed Gems


If you are receiving this message, you are likely a hoodlum in the habit of stealing precious stones that do not belong to you. How I managed to find your various email addresses is of no importance. I have my connections.

The point I’d like to make here is simple: LEAVE MY TEETH ALONE!

You’ll have to forgive me for my tone, not to mention the impersonal nature of a mass email. I’m angry. Because for the third night in seven days, I’ve awoken to someone in your “profession” standing over my bed with a pair of dental pliers in hand, ready to perform an amateur extraction. And yes, I’ve managed to summon the dogs in time to save my sweet molars, cuspids, and incisors, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to forgive and forget.

So, let me make a few things clear: yes, I am Friedrich DelPollo. Yes, I am the last surviving member of the famed DelPollo family. Yes, I have in my possession a set of rare white gems that are not only worth several million dollars each, but also, together, contain a key that could be used to decode an ancient scroll thought to possess “the secrets of the universe.”

But no! I certainly did not have them implanted into my gums in place of teeth so as to hide them in plain site!

The reason my teeth look suddenly like gems is far less exciting: I invested in a Philips Sonicare DiamondClean Electric Toothbrush. With its 62,000 brush movements per minute and its FlexCare Premium Whitening feature, it gives my teeth a shine they’ve never had before. Also, it has a thing where you can put it in a glass and put that glass on a charging pad when the battery gets low. That has nothing to do with how nice my teeth have been looking, but I just wanted to mention it because it’s cool.

So, now that I’ve provided an explanation (which I certainly did not owe to any of you) let me circle back to my original point: LEAVE MY TEETH ALONE! And also the teeth of my dogs.

For no reason.

Friedrich DelPollo

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