Odec True HEPA Air Purifiers for Small, Medium & Large Rooms

  • All of them filter out 99.97% of pollen, smog, and other pollutants
  • Choose between models for small rooms, medium-sized rooms, and large rooms
  • Great for when the house gets stuffy being shut up with the AC cranked all summer
  • Small filters here, medium filters here, and large filters here
  • Can it make margaritas: no, but it can help you avoid making a dust-and-pollen margarita
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Ghastly Comfort XII

Dearest Mother,

I write to you after a dreadful week of dealing with two separate yet related problems.

The first, I am afraid, involves Hugo. We’ve had quite a bit of staff turnover recently, but Hugo has been here since the beginning. In fact, he worked here even before an unsigned letter gave me ownership of this inn that sits atop a cliff, overlooking an always choppy sea, framed evermore by gray clouds.

Perhaps because his steadfast employment stands out among the countless cases of oft notice-less resignation, I have been slow to call out certain unbecoming habits. One such habit: his tendency to refer to the guests by his own nicknames in conversation with me. Usually, these are inoffensive. The tall man, he might call one of the guests. The thin woman, another. The man with glowing green eyes. The translucent man. The hovering woman. Et cetera.

But recently, he referred to a newly arrived guest as “the woman who reeks of death.” And he did so in the dining room, at a volume that could certainly be heard at other tables. It made quite the scene, and I had no choice but to send him home and tell him and think over his actions, for which I felt terrible, but really, I cannot have these things!

The other problem is that Hugo was not entirely off base with his assessment. The woman in question was indeed malodorous. Although, I do not know if I would call the stench deathly. She did write “the depths of the sea” in the field for ‘place of residence’ in the guest book. Perhaps she works in the fishing industry? That might explain the smell, though it does not elucidate what she could have meant when she wrote that the reason for her visit was to “return to this place, where I spent my last days before the incident and my subsequent disposal to the waves.” Then again, some people see a blank space and think they need to be poets!

At any rate, her unfortunate musk permeates the building, even now, after her departure. Luckily, I have a solution for this. I have ordered a slew of Odec True HEPA Air Purifiers. They really are wonderful products capable of filtering out 99.97% of particles as small as 0.3 microns. That covers things like smog, pollen, and a variety of other pollutants that might cause issues respiratory and olfactory alike. Moreover, they come in a variety of sizes, including a large room model, which will be great for the lounge where she frequently sat, reading the same letter over and over, weeping, and saying things like, “Oh, the betrayal!” or “I didn’t just trust you, Percival. I loved you!”; a medium room model, perfect for her lodgings; and, finally, a small room model, which will do wonders for the hidden chamber off from her guest room, accessible only by pulling on a fake book built into the bookshelf. (Did I mention these chambers in a previous letter? Every room has one!)

Now, if only there was something I could purchase to purify Hugo’s abysmal manners.

Maybe you could have a word with him when you and father come visit? You certainly are a wonderful etiquette teacher, mother! Though I know the trip might be difficult, with father wanting to be alone, his grief over Constance having relapsed. But then again, there are those aforementioned secret chambers if he needs to get away! Something to think about.

At any rate, I send my love.

Miranda Prillchisky
The Dread Inn at Death Rock

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