The 29 Gripes of Christmas

Despite its popular representation in media and commerce, the holiday season is not all sunshine, frankincense, and roses. In fact, we’ve got a few gripes with it – 29 to be exact. Follow along all Mehrathon long as we reveal 'em all.

For the twenty-fifth Gripe Of Christmas, Meh’s Scrooge-self groused to me: United Airlines’ customer service department failing to understand that Christmas is a very important holiday in our family and that we absolutely must get home by December 25th, unlike the other 7,000 passengers stranded in the Denver airport whose needs and desires are obviously less important than our own.
1: People who call it Frankincense instead of Frankincense’s Monster.
2: The office Christmas potluck is two Costco flans that never got refrigerated, and nuts.
3: ‘When you two gonna get hitched?’ ‘No kids yet?’ ‘Still out of work?’ And other infuriating aunt questions.
4: Bloomingdale’s does not have a Burberry counter what in the actual hell.
5: The unbearable, shooting pain in your chest when you hear a sweet melody wafting up from Whoville and your heart grows three sizes.
6: Having to explain to your kids that Santa is at high risk for mesothelioma from all the chimney asbestos.
7: Gingerbread houses are delicious-looking but inedible, like Tide Pods. [Editor’s note: We expect this to be our final Tide Pod joke of 2018, and possibly of all time. Farewell, sweet Tide Pods. Yours was a most fertile comedic soil.]
8: In Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, if Belle still has young children the year that Marley dies then she can’t be much past her mid 40s, right? Scrooge isn’t TOO much older than her, so how can he be such an old man only seven years later? Also, why don’t we get invited to more parties?
9: Bows large enough to put on a car are so pricey these days.
10: The annual tradition of being reminded of ‘The Decline of The American Mall’ in a magazine think-piece.
11: Everyone thinking they’re the first ones to ever point out that ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is a creepy song.
12: All those predictable Hallmark Hanukkah movies.
13: Is he really a ‘drummer’ if the boy can only play one beat – ‘Pa Rum Pa Pum Pum Pum’? Our Casio keyboard from 1987 has more beats than that, including but not limited to Bossa Nova, Slow Rock, and Disco.
14: The disappointing character and plot development in this year’s Netflix Yule Log.
15: Forgetting that you hate eggnog, drinking some, remembering. Vowing to never make the same mistake again until at least October and forgetting that you hate candy corn, eating some, remembering.
16: Elves not as cute in real life. Horrific, in fact.
17: When your roommate gives you the Marie Kondo book again.
18: Radio stations in Los Angeles that play ‘Walking in a Winter Wonderland’ — a song about two things that don’t happen in LA.
19: At one point in ‘Merry Christmas Charlie Brown,’ Lucy calls Charlie Brown just ‘Charlie.’ That’s breaking the rules! Everybody calls him by his first AND last names, except for Peppermint Patty who always calls him Chuck and she isn’t even in that special anyway. Seriously, why doesn’t anybody invite us to their holiday parties? It’s weird.
20: Seeing the dead-eyed CGI characters from ‘Polar Express’ every time you close your eyes.
21: It gets harder every year to find the right gift to sacrifice to Olgún, the Christmas demon.
22: The exhausting amount of small talk that’s required until it’s polite to ask your in-laws for the WiFi password. Yes, we’re still at the same job. No, we haven’t made summer travel plans yet. Is that all lowercase with no spaces?
23: Too many people have replaced ‘Merry Christmas’ with ‘Happy Honda Days.’ Tsk.
24: Christmas doesn’t start early enough. It’s impossible to get anything done this month. They should consider bumping it up to December 10th or so. That would really open up some free time at the end of the month. Also, air travel is a nightmare around the 25th – would be way easier earlier in the month.