The Fall

Something seems off before you even open the kitchen cabinet. There’s a quiet dread, but also a slight feeling of the uncanny valley—this is your kitchen but also it isn’t.

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you know that your actual kitchen doesn’t have a hundred cabinets stacked vertically and extending upwards into infinity. Deep down you know that your overhead lights are the tastefully recessed kind with the slightly orange glow, not a series of blinding clinical lamps like you’d usually see hanging over a dentist’s chair.

As you open the first cabinet to pull out the toaster to make breakfast, you’re vaguely aware that of course the toaster lives next to the coffee machine and doesn’t get put away in one of maybe thousands of cabinets that seem to throb in time with your own accelerating heartbeat.

But it’s too late.

You open the cabinet and the toaster begins to

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towards your fleshy face, but that’s not all, because all manner of other kitchen appliances and gadgets

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towards you, each one demanding to be caught but each one smashing on the floor as you ineptly try to intercept this endlessly cascading barrage of blenders and panini makers and juicers and you

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and you realize that all the cabinets are opening and spilling down to a floor that’s becoming piled like a junkyard with bits and pieces of kitchen technology, as seen on TV, you had to have it, you had to have it, you had to have it—FADES TO BLACK.

There’s too much kitchen crap out there, is what we’re saying.

It’s kind of hard to store it all properly. You might have a nightmare about it from time to time.

That’s why we’re pretty stoked to come at you today with some kitchen gear that actually does a whole bunch of stuff. It might even replace some nonsense that you already have.

It’s an air fryer and it’s a pressure cooker. It sears and it sautés. It dehydrates and it crisps.

IT FUCKING BROILS.

It also fits nicely on a shelf without adding to your subconscious torment about how you have to kind of shove everything back against the wall to get that one pantry door to close properly and how you haven’t juiced anything with that stupid juicer since 2019. (Don’t get us started on the bread maker.)

Anyway, we’re not confident that picking up today’s deal is going to motivate you to actually jettison any of the cluttery nonsense you already have, but in theory you could do that to make room for this thing, which will genuinely help you consolidate equipment, expand your food prep horizons, and generally become a more creative person in the kitchen.

Plus, you know…it’s like a hundred bucks. Not too shabby.