Happy Birthday, A-Meh-rica!

You come here on our nation’s birthday, expecting what? A charcoal grill? A bunch of fireworks? A cold beer, a brat, and a pack of flag-printed paper plates?

Instead, what you find is just some dumb thing to make pod coffee. Now, how the hell does that encapsulate the spirit of Independence Day?

We’ll get there in a second. First, I just need to say: it’s actually not “some dumb thing to make pod coffee.” As a Nespresso drinker myself, I can attest that Nespresso coffee is actually good. We’re not talking about the wonky-Keurig-in-your-hotel-room cup o’joe. This is coffee from a pod that you can brew and hand to your friend and say, “This is coffee from a pod,” and they’ll sip it and say, “Really? This is coffee from a pod?” To put it another way: Nespresso truly is to pod coffee everything Digiorno falsely claims it is to frozen pizza.

So, it’s good. But not only is it good. It’s patriotic. Think about it: Breville, the manufacturer, is an Australian company. They’ve built a machine to brew Nespresso, a product of Nestlé, a Swiss company. But the joy of Nespresso is that it’s not just any coffee; it’s rich, luscious, chocolatey espresso, a distinctly Italian style. Australia, Switzerland, and Italy, coming together in one product that we’re selling on America’s birthday. Because isn’t that what it’s all about?

No, we don’t mean confluence of different cultural influences; we mean us, as a brand, using the illusion of that confluence in order to sell you something.

Anyway, we better get going. Our tiny little mug of diavolitto is getting cold and also we wanna gotta hit the barbecue circuit before there’s nothing but tofu dogs left. Happy 4th, everyone. Or as they’d say in Italy, Mama Mia, happy-uh 4th-uh, everyone-uh. [Kisses fingers] Mwuh!