All In The Family

The stuff we’re selling here is cool and all, but don’t forget about the SideDeal-o-Rama, going on all weekend! Great gifts abound!

Hello, it’s me. Mr. Coffee. Or, I should say, Ernesto Coffee the fourth, heir to the Mr. Coffee fortune.

Back when my great-grandfather invented coffee in 1889, he couldn’t possibly have known what a sensation it would become. For proof of this, we must look no further than his diary entry from the day of its initial conception:

October the 4th, 1889 -

I have finally struck upon the thing I need to beat Heinrich the Hitter, an elixir that leaves me feeling energized and excited, and furthermore tastes quite a bit better than all the monkey viscera I have been consuming in the hopes of elevating my boxing prowess.

It is a drink I made thusly: First, I took the seeds from some berries I picked while in Nicaragua, fleeing those nasty charges of forging peacock feathers and selling them as the true item. These I ground up in my teeth, themselves sharpened to points by a scoundrel in Buenos Aires, who claimed the procedure would free me from the tyranny of knives and that henceforth I would be able to feed whole steaks straight into my mouth and process them instantaneously.

Once I ground these seeds to dust, I ran them under the leak from the crack in the pipe that runs through my room, spraying hot water all day and all night, filling a bucket in less than three hours, which I have to empty out my window onto the street below, careful not to scald any passers-by. I then drank this mix. It was very gritty, which is my next project–the removal of that grit–but left me feeling energized and, if I am to be truthful, slightly insane, though in a positive way.

Heinrich will have no chance in the ring now. I would like to hear him try to insult my horse again. He will get what is coming to him.

Amazing, isn’t it? That a drink originally concocted to give my pugilist great-grandfather an upper hand in combat would be so ubiquitous today! But, of course, it’s not just that coffee’s function has gone from performance-enhancing beverage to morning ritual. We now drink coffee at all temperatures and consistencies, as evidenced by this, a blender and coffee machine combo, capable of making single-serve hot coffee, iced coffee, and frappes.

What would my great-grandfather think of the direction we’ve taken here at the company that carries on his legacy? It’s hard to say. Following the birth of his son (my grandfather), he gave up boxing and traveled to Oregon, claiming to have a lead on a profitable walnut farm being sold for pennies, but he was never heard from again.

But I like to imagine he’d be proud!