Martian mVIP Smartwatch with Fitness Tracker
- A great Mother’s Day gift for the mom who has it all (except a smartwatch).
- Important thing: this does not use the old Martian notifier app. You need the mVip app.
- Camera mode lets you trigger your phone’s camera by tapping your smartwatch’s surface, which is great for taking candid photos of yourself from afar checking what time it is.
- Discreet (and discrete) LED light and vibration alert you of notifications from hundreds of apps
- You can assign different colors to different “VIP groups” of contacts, or apps, so you can tell who’s trying to get in touch with you.
- It counts your steps, so you can stop counting them aloud all friggin’ day, CRAIG.
- Model Number: MPS01CL072 (must be some big fans of the Minneapolis airport over there at Martian).
The Janes: A Short Play
The year is 1995. Jane, a girl in middle school, works at her desk in her bedroom. Her mother enters.
MOTHER: How’s the homework coming, sweetie?
YOUNG JANE: Fine, mom.
MOTHER: Okay, I’ll leave you to it.
As soon as Jane’s mother leaves, a swirling portal opens up in the corner of the room and an older version of Jane from 2014 tumbles out. The portal quickly closes.
YOUNG JANE: What the heck?!
2014 JANE: Jane! It’s me, you from the year 2014! I have a very important message to deliver you!
YOUNG JANE: whoa, what’s that on your wrist?
2014 JANE: Oh, this is a smartwatch. It’s connected to my phone.
YOUNG JANE: Your phone?
2014 JANE: Yes, in 2014, phones are like computers. I synch my watch up to it so that I don’t have to have it out all the time. It can stay in my pocket or my purse or what have you. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. The important thing you need to know is–
Before she can finish, another portal opens, and another Jane, this one from 2018, tumbles out. The portal quickly closes.
2018 JANE: Jane and Jane! It’s me, Jane! From the future! 2018! I have something very important to tell you!
YOUNG JANE: But if you’re from further in the future, why does your watch look more like a normal watch?
2014 JANE: That’s a good question.
2018 JANE: Well, this is my Martian mVIP Smartwatch.
2014 JANE: There’s no way that’s a smartwatch.
2018 JANE: It is! In the future, we get tired of having such gaudy tech on our wrists so we buy smartwatches like this. It has a fitness tracker, it can monitor my sleep, and can receive notifications from 1000s of iOS or Android apps.
2014 JANE: So in the future… we don’t want to show off our cool smartwatches?
2018 JANE: No, we want classicly elegant design merged perfectly with the latest technology.
YOUNG JANE: That’s a funny trend.
2018 JANE: It is, but that’s not what I’m here to tell you. What you need to know is–
Before she can finish, another portal opens, and another Jane, this one from 2030, tumbles out. The portal quickly closes.
2030 JANE: Jane, Jane, and Jane. I come from the year 2030 to deliver important news!
2014 JANE: Wait, what are you wearing on your wrist?
2030 JANE: A sundial watch.
2018 JANE: And is there a bat in your hair?
2030 JANE: Yes. In the future we all like to pretend we don’t have computer devices even though we still use them constantly. There is another bat in my cave-house. He monitors my online profiles and if I receive any messages, he communicates them through sonar with this bat. This bat then delivers the message to me by screeching in morse code.
The bat screeches.
2030 JANE: Ah, my package has shipped!
YOUNG JANE: Okay, you know, I actually need to get going on my homework, so why don’t we get to these messages…
2014 JANE: Yes! I’ll start! Don’t take the job with Merrick International.
2018 JANE: I was actually coming to say the job with Merrick International turns out to be okay once you stay a few more years.
2014 JANE: Really?
2018 JANE: Yeah. You know Annie?
2014 JANE: She’s the worst!
2018 JANE: She gets fired in 2016 and her replacement really turns things around.
2014 JANE: Oh, that’s great!
YOUNG JANE: And you, old Jane?
2030 JANE: I’m here to tell you not to time travel, because the research is in and it’s really bad for your back.
2014 JANE: Oh no!
2018 JANE: That sucks!
2030 JANE: I need you to promise never to time travel, Jane.
YOUNG JANE: Okay, I promise.
2030 JANE: Really?
YOUNG JANE: Really.
In a blip, the three future Janes disappear. Jane’s mother enters the room.
MOTHER: Is there someone else up here with you, Jane? I thought I heard voices.
YOUNG JANE: Sorry mom, just talking to myself.