DTF (Down To Filter)

It was within the first hour that I found myself transformed, from hunter to the hunted, as it were.

Making matters all the worse, I possessed not the violent nature necessary to defend myself. My prey, as I stepped into the woods, involved neither the sustenance of animal flesh nor the trophy of animal horns. I carried no weapon in my hands, only on my feet: my hiking boots.

My target, I dare say, was two-fold. I sought to bag a pair of prime specimens, the elevated heart rate that accompanies activities of the cardiovascular variety, and also the endorphin high that follows.

The beast nipping at my heels, meanwhile, sought to upend this pursuit. Like so many cryptids of lore, this foul creature goes by many names. Dry Mouth, Thirst, Dehydration, Parched Throat. But unlike the Yeti or the Sasquatch, it is both ephemeral and real simultaneously.

But ho, there exists an antidote to its diabolical venom! And that antidote flows freely from faucets the world over! Water! Sweet, clear, life-giving water!

The only problem was that I carried none with me. You see, potability and portability may be a letter different in spelling, but a vast chasm separates the two concepts. For what is potable water if not weighty, and what defines portability if not lightness?

At any rate, I had forsaken the bounty that flows through my abode’s plumbing in order to appease another ghoul that sometimes pursues me when I exercise: the spectral fiend that haunts the muscles of my middle-aged body. Just a pound too many in my pack, and it awakens, leaving me sore in both lower back and attitude.

And yet, I had alit the trailhead with a trick up my sleeve, or should I say, within the side sleeve of my bag: a LifeStraw Go 24oz Stainless Steel Insulated Water Filter Bottle. An item of biblical abilities, it could convert water into something more valuable than wine: better water.

I’d packed it empty, thus relieving its potential heft, but just as I thought I would succumb to Thirst’s fangs and reverse course home, I saw a burbling stream. Filling the LifeStraw Bottle, I was able to drink freely at last, and without bacterial concerns!

So it went. When I required hydration, I could simply ask the forest for it, and it provided unto me one clean, refreshing elixir after another.

Which is all to say, I completed the lengthy hike as planned, and the exertion has left me awaiting solid rations to aid in my recovery.

Therefore, I shall have not merely a Chalupa Supreme with a side of nacho fries, but also a Doritos Locos Taco and a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast.

It would be my honor to pull forward.