Battery Sale

Hello, all. It’s me, Celeste, your local witch. As we are in the throes of spooky season–aka, my time of year–Meh has been kind enough to provide me this platform so I might make the following public service announcement:

All of your witch and witch-related imagery is wildly outdated.

Seriously, what gives? Just because we’ve got green skin and ride around on brooms, casting spells and making mischief, that means we are somehow immune to the pull of technology? None of you are out there wearing tricorne hats and powdered wigs, but we’re expected to don the same black robes and pointy black hats forevermore?

Give me a break.

These days, if I need an eye of newt, I don’t have to kill an afternoon in the swamp trying to catch one of those slithery buggers. I can have an eye from a free-range, steroid-free, farm-raised newt drone-delivered at my convenience. And that’s if I don’t use some Impossible Eye of Newt, or a sprinkle of eye-of-newt powder, which obviously isn’t as rich, but sometimes it’s a Tuesday and you just need to get a cauldron bubbling for the coven.

And that bubbling cauldron? It cooks on a hot plate now. Is it big and a bit cumbersome? Sure, but it has a lot of safety features that a fire pit just can’t compete with.

Which is to say nothing about the stuff we’re cooking up in there. The days of having to read scrolls written in calligraphy, half-torn from years of rolling and unrolling, most of them in old English or some other dead language–they’re behind us now. You can find the recipe to any potion with a Google search. And, sure, I do wish some of my sister witches would practice a bit of concision, lest I break one of my two-inch-long fingernails scrolling for entire minutes just to get to the list of ingredients. (Seriously, Golinda, we want your recipe for a tincture to turn lecherous men into teacup pigs, not your friggin’ life story.) Still, the variety can’t be beat.

The problem is, while we’ve moved forward with the times, many of us haven’t, you know, moved. We still reside deep in the forest. Which means there can be issues when it comes to keeping everything up and running.

Thankfully, these Kenwood Power Stations give us just what we need: a bunch of outlets and a bunch of power in a pinch, allowing us modern conveniences without having to ditch our creepy hut in the woods for an efficiency downtown. Not to mention, some come with solar panels, so we barely ever need to broom into society to recharge them. And that’s good for us, and for you too. Trust me, when witches enter a community, even if just a few minutes to get a charge, things start to get weird.

They’re pretty good, is what I’m saying.

But anyway, that’s it for me. I ought to get going. There’s a farmer who looked at me funny once, so I have to put a hex on his fields. Let me just load up an episode of This American Life to listen to on the way. Because it’s 2025. Of course my broom has a stereo and Bluetooth connectivity. Duh.