The Mattress-morphosis

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. He was lying on his hard, as it were armor-plated, back and when he lifted his head a little he could see his dome-like brown belly divided into stiff arched segments on top of which the bed quilt could hardly keep in position and was about to slide off completely. His numerous legs, which were pitifully thin compared to the rest of his bulk, waved helplessly before his eyes.

Well, shit, thought Gregor Samsa.

Because this was a real bummer. Not just the general situation, either. That something like this would happen today of all days. The day his new mattress topper was likely to arrive. After years of struggling to get comfortable, he’d finally pulled the trigger on a Kathy Ireland eco-friendly Tencel/polyester-filled mattress pad, and he’d really been looking forward to it.

But now he was a friggin’ insect with a rock hard back. Like, would he even feel the thing?! Would he be able to experience its plushness or its 225 thread count?!

And to think he’d been talking about it so much at the bar last night with Hans and Emilia and Greta and Karl. How soft it was going to be. How much better he was going to sleep. How the nights of uneasy dreams were finally over.

Come to think about it, Gregor had really gone on and on about the thing. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was just the loud bar, but jeez, he probably talked about the mattress pad for twenty minutes or more. By the time he finished everyone was looking at their phones. He would have to be better next time they hung out, be a more active listener, be a bit more light-hearted, make some jokes.

That is, if he ever was able to go out again! If he could ever get out of this damn bed! And, oh yeah, he was an insect now. So that was gonna be a thing. He just knew it.

One time, Gregor Samsa decided to do the Whole30, and the day he started, the donut shop down from his place introduced a new delicious-looking croissant donut that would only be available for the month. This was like that. But worse, he realized. Because that time didn’t involve turning into a strange, hideous creature.

“At least I didn’t overspend on that mattress cover,” Gregor Samsa muttered to himself, but it came out as weird bug-speak, so it didn’t even make him feel better.