Caffeinate Insufferably

If coffee were discovered today, there would be congressional hearings about it. Late-night shows would be cracking jokes every night. If sitcoms still existed, every one of them would be in a race to be the first to release their “very special episode” about this bizarre, ritualistic, and highly addictive habit that was suddenly taking the world by storm.

Imagine a dystopian science fiction movie where everyone hated their jobs so much that they needed to line up at little shops and gas stations and restaurants every morning just to get their hands on the energy-infused happiness elixir that everyone just casually agrees is strictly necessary if they are expected to be minimally productive and resist the temptation to drive their flying sci-fi transportation pod into the side of a flying sci-fi brick wall.

And just think of the weirdness of the whole coffee-making process. There is apparently no way to get coffee chemicals from inside of a dried coffee bean to the inside of your dried coffee brain without doing some shit that would be considered super weird in any other context. Imagine if you were this way about macaroni and cheese. Or toothpaste. Odd.

For example, do you have a drip coffee maker? Those seem normal enough because we’re all used to it, but it’s basically a consumer-grade version of the contraption that they built on MASH to distill gin because they, too, were trying to cope with the bleakness of their reality with a mind-altering substance dripped slowly into a cup.

“Oh, no drip contraption for me. I just use a French Press…”

Oh, okay. You’ve just determined that the only way you could possibly get a cup of coffee down your gullet is with some sort of artisanal process from the 19th century. Totally reasonable. We can only imagine the hardware you need to get your toast just right.

“But my new Chemex carafe—”

GOOD GRIEF PLEASE STOP.

We get it.

Everyone is addicted to a performance-enhancing drug that is so common they now give you breaks for it at work and we’re all so charmed with our own very special approaches to ingesting it that turning the whole process into a TikTok short is like five percent of what it takes to be a lifestyle influencer.

Hard drug users could make some similar oddly satisfying videos of them doing their thing and probably get a bunch of views, too, but they seem to have the self-awareness and common decency to keep it to themselves.

But anyway.

Coffee grinders.

Coffee grinders are critical if your very special coffee preparation also requires a very special coffee grind. When you don’t just need it to be course, but medium course. Or not quite fine, but semi-gritty fine leaning medium with maybe a nod towards a crosshatched extra clean.

In theory, this is all stuff you could accomplish by just buying pre-ground coffee or using the machine at the store, but we know, we know…the precious nuances of flavor will be forever compromised if those beans are allowed to exist in their disassociated state for longer than it takes for you to choose the right background music for your coffee preparation ritual.

So yeah.

If you really need a coffee grinder, this is that. It’s a Cuisinart, which is good. It also has all of the delicate settings that allow you to fine tune your grinding to your exacting specifications.

Enjoy!