Rapper’s Delight?

Today’s deal isn’t a food processor. It’s a status symbol.

How do we know? The same way you know that anything is a status symbol—rigorous analysis of hip-hop lyrics.

Because this stuff matters. It’s why rappers bend over backwards to reference Gucci and Versace even though tons more stuff rhymes with Kohl’s.

So when we wanted to offer a food processor, the selection began with a methodical search of the lyrical database. We started with KitchenAid (0 results) and Vitamix (0 results). Then Ninja (0 results) and Oster (0 results).

And finally—Cuisinart.

Jackpot.

First up was the unashamed hustler and thug prince himself—Al Yankovich.

“Gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full o’ credit cards”

Perfection. Now we’re getting somewhere.

At this point, Cuisinart is up 1-0, easily the frontrunner for high-end middle-class living as evidenced by quickly searchable song lyrics.

But food processing is about more than style. It’s about substance. You know…like ease of operation with a simple but effective four-button interface. Here we had to dig a little deeper into the catalog, with these lines from the Notorious M.E.H.

“My finger pressin’ down
High, Low, Off, or Pulse
Turn her on like a Cuisinart
Prepare to convulse”

Exactly what we were thinking. You don’t need a bunch of questionable features and obscure settings when it comes to a serious food processor. No games here. High, Low, Off, Pulse. That’s all you get. And that’s all you need.

It’s why rappers like Mehminem brought the lyrical heat with sick bars about the importance of having a modest but effective set of accessories and cutting discs necessary to complete most basic kitchen tasks with no silly extras.

“You losers are losing hard, truly subpar
Like museum guards losing art. You suck, it’s bizarre
Spin you round like a Cuisinart, like it so far?
I don’t need six damn cutting discs to leave your ass scarred”

Seriously. It doesn’t take half a cabinet full of attachments and doodads to get the job done. Today’s deal includes a disc for shredding, a disc for slicing, and a blade for chopping. That’s what’s up.

We’re talking value here. Sure, you can buy a much shittier food processor. It might even come with a bunch of nonsense and features that you don’t really need in an attempt to distract from what it’s lacking in fundamentals like power and build quality.

But you’re too smart for that. To take it back to Weird Al, you’re gonna buy you a Cuisinart.

Today.

Still not sold? We’ll leave the last word to Missy Mehlliot.

“Is it worth it? Let me pulse it.
Drop some thang down the hole and disperse it.
Ti esrepsid dna eloh eht nwod gnaht emos pord.
Ti esrepsid dna eloh eht nwod gnaht emos pord.”

We rest our case. This is a preposterous deal for fifty bucks. Just order one.