Give To Win

A time of giving… of sharing… of generosity… of triumphant displays of prestige to establish dominance over your rivals.

That is, in part, what gift-giving rituals are all about: proving your superiority. Indigenous people from the Maori to the Salish to the Papuans anointed their chiefs according to who could give away the most stuff. Upper East Side society matrons throw shade over each other’s charity fundraising prowess. And the psychological benefits of gift giving are well documented, from that euphoric ego boost to that sweet, sweet sense of incurred obligation. Aw yeah, that’s the good stuff.

And that’s fine. Generosity is generosity, and the gift card from your douchebag cousin spends the same as the one from your sainted grandma. But you gotta go in with a strategy. Here are four ways to crush the competition and make them beg for mercy this holiday season:

Give something with a list price far higher than what you paid for it. The catalog says this knife costs 70 bucks. Amazon says it costs $42. Either way the judges score it, your dollars go farther in the gift-giving arms race. So what if the recipient doesn’t like knives? The point is, they think it was expensive. Feelings are squishy. Numbers are real.

Blow off the Secret Santa price limit. Speaking of numbers, a $10 or $20 limit on Christmas gifts is socialism for losers. Don’t let it keep you down. Buy your cousins, co-workers, etc. this $24 knife (which, as we said, they’ll think was much more expensive). If they resent your kick-ass generosity, just point to the scoreboard. You spent more than they did. You’re the better person. WINNING.

Be thoughtful and attentive. This is the most difficult path to victory, as it involves long, boring hours getting to know the recipients, understanding their preferences, empathizing with their perspectives, and tracking down the perfect gifts that they would never think to ask for but will instantly love. Only to be employed as a last resort. Whoever’s on your list, chances are this knife isn’t that perfect gift.

Pull a knife. If you don’t like the score, change the game.