BluTiger Seated Elliptical Work-Out Bundle

  • 8 levels of adjustable resistance, with something for those who want to take it easy all the way to those who want to take it… not easy?
  • Comes with a lumbar support pillow so you can stay comfy while you’re chugging and resistance bands if you want a more full-body workout
  • Great for while you’re working, watching TV, or gaming
  • Are cats and/or mice involved at all: No, for that you’ll have to head over to Mediocritee
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Total Eliptise of the Heart

There’s just too much good television these days. Therefore, you need this elliptical machine.

Now, those might seem like two disparate statements that we’ve attempted to graft together with a binding word like “therefore.” But listen, we actually believe this. The reason to buy this seated elliptical machine is because there is too much good television.

Hear us out:

That there is too much good television feels indisputable at this point. Hulu. Netflix. Disney+. Apple+. Prime. HBO Max. Discovery+. They’re all cranking out original content at rates never before seen. With just one service, you’ll be mildly overwhelmed. With all of them, you’ll be hella stressed about finding time to get through all the great buzzed-about shows.

Now, the problem with good television is that it’s good. By which we mean, you have to (and will want to) really pay attention to it. These aren’t the kind of shows you can just “have on” while you get a few things done around the house. And they’re definitely not the kind of thing you can watch bouncing around on the treadmill or huffing and puffing on the stationary bike. That line you didn’t quite hear in season two might play a pivotal role in season five.

And the other thing: they’re long. There are no prime-time slots keeping these bad boys to a tight 24-42 minutes. No way. It’s not uncommon to check your progress 35 minutes into a random mid-season episode and find out that you’re not even halfway done.

That means a lot of time sitting around, feeling lethargic and lazy. Yet, as we just established, it’s not a good idea to do a full-blown workout while you watch. And besides, TV time is supposed to be chill time! You should only be feeling as much stress as is heaped onto you by each tortuously dark scene of whatever prestige television series you’re watching!

Hence, you need a light exercise machine. Something that allows you to sit on the couch or in your favorite chair and pump your legs a little to burn a few calories and keep your heart rate up just enough so that you don’t fall asleep and wake to five-episodes-later spoilers. But also something that isn’t so strenuous as to limit your brain functionality.

That’s what this thing is: you put it down in front of your seat, you dial the resistance to wherever you want it to be, you set up the lumbar support if you need it, you hook up the resistance bars if you want a full-body workout, and then you elipticize all the way through the first season of Severance.

Hence our original claim that the preponderance of good TV means you should buy this seated elliptical machine.

Oh, it would also be good under your desk at work. Jeez, yeah, that’s a much better selling point. Why didn’t we focus on that?

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