The Five Sides of the Mummy's Jar

“What have we here, Captain Howard? Another mummy?”

“Indeed, Lord Highclere. And you thought Boris Karloff was ugly, eh wot?”

"Now, Captain, I knew what I was getting myself mixed up in - "

“Don’t you mean wrapped up in, old boy?”

"Jolly good! Wrapped up in, then, when I joined this expedition to explore the lost pyramid of Blendenkhamun. So even though you’re the experienced adventurer and I’m a rather naive, callow aristocratic playboy sort - "

“Quite enough exposition, Your Lordship. Look at this!”

“Extraordinary! Doubtless you should describe it for the audience who will one day read a transcript of this conversation on a daily-deal website!”

“Ah, yes, so I shall. It’s the legendary five-sided jar of King Blendenkhamun!”

“And those inscriptions on the jar? What do those say?”

“Let’s see… ‘Behold the glory of Blendenkhamun, grandest of all the pharoahs, who added a fifth side to this vessel and really got the party started’. That must be the origin of the widespread belief that the fifth side of something is the ‘wild side’.”

“Actually, I’ve never heard that befo-”

“Shut up, yes you have. Anyway, to continue: ‘Now let’s see what this thing will blend’. Fascinating! What blending secrets did the Egyptians discover? How did they even run blenders without electricity?”

“Perhaps that giant mural behind you has the answer.”

“I say! Look at that! Ancient blenders powered by Hebrew slaves! And what’s that they’re blending?”

“I may not know much about hieroglyphics, Captain, but I know a Mississippi mudslide when I see it. Or shall I call it a ‘Nile mudslide’?”

“You shall, Your Lordship. And look over here! What a bacchanal! These paintings are drunk! Stumble like an Egyptian, eh wot?”

“And what is it they’re blending over here? Rocks, I daresay. And coconuts. And several pairs of sandals. I do believe that once they tired of using these five-sided jars to blend drinks, they started to blend other things just for the fun of seeing it smashed in bits. They literally moved on to the hard stuff.”

“What decadence! What dissolution! No wonder the Egyptian empire went into such steep decline after the reign of Blendenkhamun. Such is the irresistible allure of the five-sided jar, to tempt one of the finest civilizations in history down the slope of hedonism.”

“Looks like cracking good fun though, eh wot?”

“Er… fun, Your Lordship?”

“A merry time, I daresay. Don’t you want to see what this five-sided jar lark is all about? Why should these bloody Egyptians have all the fun?”

“But the five-sided jar brought low one of the most powerful societies of all time. It reduced the domain of the mighty Blendenkhamun to rubble. If we had our heads on straight, we’d bury this infernal jar in the mausoleum where we found it, and never speak of it again.”

“We could do that. Or we could go back to base camp, I could mix us up a pitcher of Nile mudslides, and we could see what happens when you toss mummy parts into a blender.”

“…After you, Lord Highclere.”

“Jolly good, Captain Howard.”