BioBidet LW-1000 Heated Bidet Seat with Night Light & Warm Air Dryer (Elongated)

  • A full-featured bidet that’ll clean you up the right way
  • Heated seat, heated air dryer, night light
  • Posterior, feminine, turbo and child modes
  • Detects and only functions when someone is on the seat
  • What other way are you probably living in the past? That shirt you’re wearing is pretty lame. Maybe upgrade with one from Mediocritee
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Spacemen Watched You Wipe

Imagine the year 2023, which for the purposes of this writing exercise was supposed to be a far-flung future date but we now realize is next week. Man, this steady progress of linear time is weird sometimes.

But whatever, just picture some aliens studying human hygiene. Timeframe irrelevant.

“The humans seem to be aware that these shopping carts they use are basically germ farms. Once they have finished their custom of rolling the empty cart into the vehicle door of a retail website copywriter, they will cleanse their hands with liquid sanitizer.”

“Interesting. And I hate retail website copywriters. Remind me to show some humans how to make an AI for that like the time we introduced Ben Franklin to electricity so he would stop trying to fornicate with us all the time.”

“Will do. Now as for their teeth, you should see it. They have high-frequency rotating brushes, little strings to get in between, and even very unnaturally-colored mouthwash liquids to handle every last nook and cranny. Truly a fastidious species.”

“Why don’t they just bathe, like a cat or an elephant or whatever?”

“Oh, they do that, too. They wash everything and they have different products for different parts of their bodies. It’s quite elaborate, really. They’ll spend hours on this stuff, and thanks to their planet’s second-rate orbit, they don’t even get that many hours in a day.”

“Wow, well I can’t wait to hear how they clean themselves up after excreting their—"

“They use a dry hunk of cotton paper for about three seconds. Sometimes by accident, a finger pokes through.”





Except you don’t have to be an alien to realize that paper-based toilet customs are ridiculous. Heck, a decent chunk of the human population outside of North America will tell you the same thing.

It’s time to enter the modern era of bathroom hygiene. And by “modern” we mean something that’s been around since the 1700s.

So get yourself a bidet. This one needs an electrical outlet, so plan on that. (Side note: if you see a bidet that doesn’t need an outlet, plan to expect a chilly and generally unpleasant experience. This is the one you want.)

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