MfFrmghrgh

The pain is intense, like yellowjackets tearing into your face. The lights are blinding. The smells…sterile, with a touch of what might be mint.

The masked figure bends closer to you as metal tools clink and his eyebrows arch in a knowing look of vague amusement and veiled contempt.

“See how that just bleeds,” he asks, holding up the tiny mirror. As your eyes struggle to focus, you do. You do see how that just bleeds.

“It’s because you haven’t been flossing,” your suddenly kindly dentist chirps as he whips off some latex gloves and tosses them in the bin. There’s that tiny sink where you can swish and spit, flushing away your shame with that little rinse button.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Obviously, we get it: flossing is terrible and nobody actually does it outside of characters in romantic comedies establishing their buttoned-down quirkiness in a grooming montage.

And as the definitively non-fictional hero of your own story, you can do better. Get yourself a water flosser. Specifically, get yourself this water flosser, because less than a second of googling “water flosser” will show you how crazy expensive these things can be.

Not only will it leave your mouth feeling ridiculously clean, it’ll also set you up for success the next time you head to the dentist.

“You…you’ve been flossing,” he’ll say, with eyes a mixture of bewilderment and reluctant pride.

“MfFrmghrgh,” you’ll reply, because these guys always talk to you like your mouth isn’t filled with fingers and medical tools.

Your eyes will lock for a little longer than is comfortable. He won’t give you crap for having the oral hygiene of a feral child hiding in a candy factory. You’ll feel something inside that if it isn’t quite pride in your tooth care habits, might at the very least be a momentary absence of shame.

And we’ll all know that you couldn’t have done it without your awesome new water flosser.

MfFrmghrgh, kind stranger. MfFrmghrgh.