Clean The Machine

Okay, sorry, but what the fuck is going on here?

Did our supplier of near-their-best-by-date taurine-infused protein bars find some other site onto which they could offload their wares? Is there a vacuum shortage? Did we say something to offend our friends at Anker and now they won’t return our calls?

What I’m getting at is: why the hell is it scrub season all of a sudden? Seriously, we sold magic eraser wipes on Friday, then soapy bath sponges yesterday, and now these carwash sponges today. I feel like I’m stuck in a Groundhog Day rip-off, only worse, because it’s not exactly the same, just sort of the same, so I can’t even reuse the same copy.

But alas, here we are, so I might as well sell you on these things.

What are they? Well, they’re four little arm-less, leg-less, eye-less muppets that you can use to wash your car. Made from durable microfiber, they won’t scratch anything, but they will give that speedster of yours a nice shine, which you’ll certainly appreciate after all the nasty stuff you likely picked up driving around in the winter.

Sounds good, right? But before you get them, just make sure you’re not wasting your money. By which I mean, make sure your car isn’t one of those super nasty models that’ll never get clean no matter how hard you try. Like, for example, a:

• Ford Mustank
• Toyota Unfortunate Tac-aroma
• Subaru Outhouse
• Ford Fopuss
• Honda Civ-ick!
• Toyota Camreek
• Chevy Malipoo
• Nissan Puke
• Ford Thunderturd
• Dodge Shart

Okay, these puns are gross. But these sponges are not. They’re the opposite of gross, actually. They’re very clean.

Anyway, that’s all for today. But be sure to check back tomorrow to see what wiping/scrubbing product we sell next!