Pyramid Scheme?

Is anybody here old enough to remember the food pyramid from school?

Not the recent one that’s just a nonjudgemental circle or the one that was still a triangle, but had the categories laid out vertically in a way that completely defeated the purpose of being a pyramid in the first place.

No, we’re talking about the one with 80 servings of bread at the bottom and that middle layer that lumped fruits and vegetables together so you could drink apple juice instead of eating broccoli (#LifeHack).

It was quite a time to be alive—after middle school teachers stopped smoking during algebra but before bringing peanut butter into a classroom was considered biological warfare. The 90s were magical.

But man, it turns out that once you stop taking your nutritional guidance from a chart designed by cereal company lobbyists, getting all the right stuff in your system is pretty hard.

And we’re not just talking about eating some vegetables if you don’t really like vegetables. Take getting a proper amount of protein, for example. If you’re doing that the old-fashioned way, you’re going to be eating steak and eggs three meals a day and probably putting some significant strain on the lower third of your digestive tract (to say nothing of the upper third of your home plumbing).

Oh and if you aren’t down with eating animals? Good luck with your daily wheelbarrow full of chickpeas and kale.

No, what you need is something that’s basically a candy bar that also has a bunch of protein in it.

This is that. With 10 grams of protein on the inside and tasty dark chocolate on the outside, you can finally stop living your life one peanut butter smoothie at a time.

Maybe get started with 36 or so.