Secretly Cheerful

Young Donovan,

If you are reading this message, it means you have found the gift I have hidden in your quarters. I must apologize for my intrusion when you were not present, as well as my gruffness with you yesterday when you wished me a happy holidays. I hope these holiday themed Unsimply Stitched Socks serve as recompense for both. But, as you are new to your position and unaware of Lord Grontam’s many unwritten policies, I must advise you: do not don them yet, not until you have read the entirety of this letter.

The reason for my aforementioned ingratitude in response to your seasonal well wishing is this: due to a confluence of events occurring nearly three decades ago, Lord Grontam is extremely dubious of holiday induced glee. I will not go into the specific events that’ve caused such distaste, as recounting them would fill many pages and involve a number of unpleasant scenes, including a grisly carriage accident, an unidentifiable sound in the attic, and a scenario in which pomegranate juice was tragically mistook for something else. Suffice it to say, he now conducts his manor as place devoid of all winter cheer, and has been known to terminate staff members who show any enthusiasm for these months in which we find ourselves.

Therefore, the socks are not just a gift, but an invitation, to join the Underground League of Cheer.

If you do not wish to partake in such a risky act of unseen rebelliousness, please, I ask that you cast them, box and all (along with this letter), into a roaring fire (of which, I can personally assure you, there are many throughout these halls). But if you do choose to continue as one of us, please abide by the following rules:

• Ensure your trousers are tailored in such a way so they fall fully over your ankle, so that no one can see your socks.

• Take just one of the three included gift boxes provided you and keep the other two in a safe place, so that you can use them in the future to recruit new members.

• If someone asks you to perform a “pant tug-up” to “reveal your mutual loyalty to the Underground,” do NOT comply. This is a tactic carried out by that weasel Lead Gardner Harribold to root out our our kind and report us to Lord Grontam. True members do not speak of the Underground at all, except in written correspondences such as this.

That is all. I hope this letter finds you well and willing to join our ranks, so that those of us who are not entirely cynical concerning the season may enjoy at least knowing (though never seeing) that we are not alone.

Sincerely,
Yvette Fontue
Senior Assistant Maintainer of Roaring Fires
The Estate of Lord Kilroy Grontam