Cleaning House: a Meh-rathon

MACE slams the vodka down on the bar without taking a drink. He rests his face in his hands and looks to be sobbing.

ROY
C’mon now.

MACE lifts his head.

MACE
I was just trying to save the Cleaning Service a little money. There was a rumor that they wanted to get the budget in order, and anyone who could figure out how would get promoted straight through to senior leadership. So I started looking into it and thought, if we could free up some of these big pensions that we’re going to be paying out for decades, it would help the bottom line. But I didn’t know who you were! I didn’t know all-purpose certification was real! And when I told Hal I’d call it off, he said it was too late and he would handle it.

While wiping the work laptop of Calvert Harrison, a project manager who recently left his position at the company for a comparable role with a rival, our IT department discovered a Microsoft Word file titled ‘CLEANING_HOUSE_SCREENPLAY_FOR_JS’ as well as several Notepad documents containing phone numbers and email addresses for people with a tertiary connection to Jason Statham. The screenplay was, by all indications, written on company time and therefore, per Calvert’s contract, belongs to us. So, please enjoy these excerpts and stick around all day for great deals on spring cleaning gear and stuff for getting outside. (And Mr. Statham, if you’re reading, this is available!)