Cheap, Easy Cheer

Things that are not going well with the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids reboot you’re working on

• You didn’t rewatch the original before you wrote your screenplay, so you’re not sure how similar it is, and now you’re afraid to watch, fearing that many of the gags lodged themselves into your subconscious and you’re not rebooting as much as just redoing what’s already been done.

• You’d love to say Rick Moranis isn’t returning your calls, but it’s much worse than that. Somehow, he got wind of your production and his representatives sent you a message making it clear that if you even attempt to reach out to him, they will take action, both legal and not, to make your life a living hell. “Mr. Moranis has deep pockets and connections that can make things look like an accident,” the message read.

• You wrote the screenplay on a tight deadline in something of a fugue state. Rereading it now, there are so many scenes where the shrunken family finds plastic bottles tossed off thoughtlessly and discusses how their diminutive size in relation to said bottles has really helped them understand the power of recycling. Not a bad message, really, but it’s so ham-handed, and it happens so often, like seven times in a 90-minute movie.

• The recycling stuff has earned you funding from a shadowy company that you’re fairly certain might be the front for an eco-terrorist organization. All the locations their in-house location scout found are close to the headquarters of multinational oil companies, and there are a lot of strangely worded items on the budget spreadsheet you worry might be weapons or otherwise.

• You named the parents Delaney Versus and Matt Jason. Then, you named one of the sons Frederick, who goes by Freddy for short. Now, somehow months into the writing process, you’re just realizing that the character’s name is literally ‘Freddy Versus-Jason.’

• Whenever you try to come up with a new name, it’s as if a void opens up in your mind, erasing all logical choices, and the only possible one that remains is ‘Flark Bramerson.’

Things that are going well with the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids reboot you’re working on

• The scene where they get lost in the box of Christmas decorations should be relatively easy to film, thanks to the BigMouth Giant Inflatable LED Christmas Ornaments you got from Meh for $30.