2-Pack: Atomic Deluxe Rechargeable Plasma Beam Lighters

  • You want to light stuff using basic-ass fire?
  • LOL, okay, grandpa!
  • All the cool kids, though? We’re using dual electric arcs
  • (That’s how these things work)
  • Also included with each: a long charging cord and suh-weet velveteen carrying case
  • (So you get 2 of each, because it’s a 2-pack)
  • Model: 12363, which is very modest, TBH, considering how weird these things are
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A Lighter Work Load

We were all set, or so we thought.

The plan was simple: we’d sneak through the hole in Farmer Douglas’s fence after night fall. Then we’d use the dynamite Big Eddy’d bought wearing the fake mustache and calling himself Cal Forensico to blast open the collapsed entrance to to the cave system at the far end of the goat field. From there, it was up to Tiny Davy, who still hadn’t hit his growth spurt, to navigate his way through and find where the strange ghostly sounds were coming from. The sooner we found the source, the sooner we could expose the hoax once and for all, proving our theory that it was nothing more than a scheme hatched by the Haverly brothers to scare residents of the Chikki Hill neighborhood into selling them their homes on the cheap, thus allowing for the expansion of the Haverly Brothers Mega Supermarket parking lot.

But then, out of nowhere, as we were all getting ready to leave our headquarters in the caboose of the one broken down train on the long abandoned Glendale Train Yard, Smooth Pete says, “Fellas, I got bad news. We can’t take neither matches nor a standard lighter to Farmer Douglas’s to light the fuse. It’s too risky. Might I propose something else?”

And before anyone could ask a question he pulled out these two weird blue things. They were Deluxe Atomic Lighter Rechargeable Plasma Beam Lighters, he explained. They didn’t use propane or gas of any kind. Instead, they made a flame by way of dual electric arcs. Also, did he mention that each one came with a convenient long cable and a velveteen carrying case?

“Fine,” Big Eddy said at last. “We’ll use the weird lighters. But why are you talking so funny?”

“Okay, I’ll come clean,” said Smooth Pete, “When we started this whole mystery solving thing, it was cool because we were, like, twelve. But we’re in our late teens now. I got an after school job. And with all the money I’m losing having to sub out of my shifts at the roller rink whenever someone around here does something dastardly, it’s really killing my plans to buy a CRX this summer. So I signed a big endorsement deal with Deluxe Atomic Lighter. As long as we use their products when we solve mysteries, I get a grand.”

It was only years later that we realized he could’ve cut us in, but that was the thing about Smooth Pete: he was real smooth like that.

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