Forced Acronyms Should Tempt

Whoa, what a coincidence! The name Remington thought up to sell these knives’ fast-opening mechanism is Fast Action, Soft Touch, which just happens to make the acronym F.A.S.T. Observant readers will observe that spells “fast” - precisely the quality the knife’s manufacturers were hoping to emphasize! What are the odds?

But once we shake off the stupor of sheer astonishment, it occurs to us that maybe Remington could have used this opportunity to emphasize some of the emotional appeal of bad-ass knife ownership, within the limits of the all-important F.A.S.T. acronym but without the uncomfortably erotic connotations of “Fast Action, Soft Touch”. Here are some alternatives, offered free of charge:

Frequently Advantageous Sharp Thing
It often comes in handy to have a nice piece of razor-sharp 440 stainless steel close at hand. Why not make that the story here?

Fine-Ass, Sleek Tool
Or you could emphasize the clean lines and slim, efficient design of this knife, to appeal to the design crowd. It’s like how Apple described the first MacBooks as “fine-ass”.

Feel Abundantly Stronger Today
No doubt a high-quality 3-5/8" blade in your pocket gives you a sense that you’re better equipped to deal with life’s little everyday problems.

Fight Aggravations, Slash Troubles
Or, uh, hack your way through those problems, we guess. A little intense for a general audience, but this kind of imagery probably hits the sweet spot for a certain kind of consumer, who probably spends a disproportionate amount on knives.

Fists Alone Seldom Triumph
Hold on, we can’t endorse the suggestion that you’d use these in a fight. We’re not cool with the direction this whole thing is going, actually, so we should probably shut it down before it starts getting into some psychologically weird areas-

Firm, Authoritative Steel Thrusting
OK, we’re done. Sorry. We’re done here.

Whew. Man. That was… yeah. We found out some things about ourselves that maybe we’d rather not know. Stirred up some feelings that we’d have been better off leaving alone. The point (ha ha) is, these Remington F.A.S.T. knives can mean a lot of different things to different people. And maybe we’re better suited to selling knives than to naming them.