Motorize, Sanitize

Hey, look, our Christmas shipping cut-off came earlier this week, okay?

By offering a utilitarian product for cleaning what is a receptacle for literal shit, we’re doing you a favor. If we were to offer something totally rad and gift-able, how annoying would that be? You’d spend the ensuing days hoping against hope it somehow arrived on time. Then, when it didn’t, you’d tell the intended recipient that, actually, their gift is on the way, and they’re going to love it.

(And yes, if you’re dealing with an adult, or even an older child, this shouldn’t matter. The perfect thing on the 29th should be better than something that’s not quite up-to-snuff on the 25th. But be real: it sucks not to unwrap the big gift on the big day of giving and receiving big gifts.)

Anyway, onto the actual thing we’re selling: they’re toilet brushes, two of them.

More specifically, they’re motorized toilet brushes with spinning heads (featuring more than 240 flexible silicone bristles each) that are capable of 300 rotations per minute. That means one can really go to town on your absolutely disgusting John.

Oh, and by the way, when they boast “Professional-level cleaning results with minimal effort” in their features, they mean it. Because these things were developed to be used by janitors who cleaned mall bathrooms in the 80s and 90s. And, as those of you who frequented them can attest, some of those malls were filled with absolutely nasty stores.

You know, establishments like:

• Jamba Deuce
• Circuit Shitty
• Orange Poo-lius
• Kay-Pee Toys
• The Sharter Image
• Gadzpoops
• Bath and Potty Works
• The Fart of Shaving
• Limited (number) Too
• Urinatural Wonders

Okay, are the puns stupid? Yes. And did we have to fabricate a backstory for the product just to make them? Also yes.

But did we have a great time looking at old pictures of malls in their heyday while doing “research”? Absolutely.

And you’ll have a great time too with this motorized toilet brush!

Well, maybe not a great time. But it’ll clean your toilet.