Light It Up

To: Condo Board
From: Jed Marlow
Subj: Re: final warning regarding skeleton

Dearest members of the condo board,

Given my residence in this building for the past decade, when I saw your email, I expected some level of friendliness. Yes, we have not always seen eye to eye with things such as quiet hours or whether a parking spot can be converted into a sanctuary for one’s pet Komodo dragon. But such is life in a shared space, is it not? Just because we occasionally butt heads does not mean I should be addressed in a cold way.

So imagine my surprise when I open my email and find such an impersonal missive as that to which I am currently replying. There is no warmth, no polite greeting, and most importantly, no mention of the joy Ralph (that’s my giant skeleton’s name) has brought to the community.

Instead, you launch directly into demands. “The skeleton must be taken down.” “The skeleton must be disassembled and stored somewhere at the owner’s expense.” “The skeleton must not be deposited in parking spot 14 [despite the fact that Mrs. Anders doesn’t have a car, and nobody’s visited her in, like, five years].”

And then you have the gall to say that it’s been eight months since “the intended holiday.” To which I respond, what holiday? Did I not hang gourds upon Ralph in November? Did I not string him with Christmas lights in December? Did I not affix animatronic cupid wings to him in February? Did I not place a light saber in his hand for May the 4th? And are we not rapidly approaching Christmas in July?

But most egregious is the implication that I’m somehow wasting energy. I’ll have you know that Ralph’s glowing eyes, and all his lit adornments, are plugged into a 6-Outlet Light Sensing Outdoor Power Stake that I’ve mounted in the yard outside my first-floor unit. And that stake features a sensor, allowing it to switch on ONLY when it senses the diminishment of natural light.

As for the complaints that the aforementioned glowing eyes stare into Mr. Tillsdale’s unit above mine, often terrifying him when he happens to look out his window at night, I’ll only say this: given the shameless amount of reality television I can hear him watching, perhaps it serves him well to realize what it’s like to have your every private move observed by others.

Ever think about that?

Now, please, enough with these rude emails. Leave Ralph and me in peace.

Sincerely,
J-Mar