@BadTouchRobot Ketchup is the savior of a crappy burger. If I’m at a burger place that only allows me one topping, I’m gonna guess ketchup will at least make it edible.
@tinamarie1974 kind of. It’s meant as a condiment. Primarily beef, onion, spices, lots of heat, not much tomato (maybe a little paste). Here’s a decent recipe
@ybmuG this looks interesting in a good way. Mental note to try next time I venture out to the store and pick up hamburger … how integral do you think the Allspice is, seem to be missing that in my spice drawer.
@tinamarie1974 I think you could skip it if you needed to. You might notice the difference if you were comparing side-by-side, but it certainly won’t be bad. As an incentive to get some allspice, it is fantastic in cream of mushroom soup.
@daveinwarsh Exactly, I choose a different burger joint.
Also no realistic scenario where this would actually happen (e.g. horrible backyard cookout, badly catered work lunch) would include avocado or a fried egg as the one available choice.
@Kyeh No no no on the jalapeños. Mind you my kid will drink, out of the can, the juice they are in and I think about 50%, by volume, of what she eats is cyanine pepper… but for me even black pepper is too hot. She’d be in line right behind you for those burgers.
I was working in Germany for an outdoor adventure program and one kid dared another one (these were 14-16 years olds) to drink the jalapeño juice from the can. Others, including the staff, tried to talk her out of it. She drank it. And then was in agony. We convinced her not to drink water and got her some bread. The kid who convinced her to drink it said that it couldn’t possibly be that hot so drank the rest of the can. She, too, ended up with a flaming mouth and in agony. We were trying so hard not to laugh.
Supremely sharp, white cheddar
Cut it think, make it melty
Make it a grilled cheese with a hamburger patty
/image grilled cheese with hamburger
yeah, i know it’s not gonna work
@yakkoTDI Neither. I’m a couple of hours away on the Kansas side. Just close enough to know what good BBQ tastes like. And that Kansas Citians will eat an old leather shoe if you put enough BBQ sauce on it.
Seriously, one time I was at a cookout and they did not have cheese. They did have mustard and pickles though, which redeemed it somewhat, except someone had the gall to say that mustard should not have been invented.
I want spicy mustard (or Dijon or any that has a bit of a kick) but voted tomato because 9 times out of 10 they only have yellow mustard.
Tomato because if the patty is dry, which if only one condiment is likely, that helps.
And agreed: unlikely this place gives you only one topping but somehow egg and avocado are offered. Anyway, not picking those unless I get bacon too.
A hamburger patty.
Salt
Pickles
Slice of onion I guess. Pretty shitty menu around this joint.
I will 2nd PICKLES!!
Bacon
A second burger with all my favorite toppings, but hold the bun and meat.
@awk Would this be at that diner in “5 Easy Pieces” where Jack Nicolson wanted toast?
@awk @Kyeh one of my all time favorite scenes!!
@awk @don Mine too - I don’t remember the rest of the movie that well, but that one is unforgettable!
Bacon
Really? Ketchup? Are you all four years old?
@BadTouchRobot Not chronologically. Not all of us.
@BadTouchRobot I agree. I always ask for no ketchup on a burger.
@BadTouchRobot Ketchup is the savior of a crappy burger. If I’m at a burger place that only allows me one topping, I’m gonna guess ketchup will at least make it edible.
@BadTouchRobot @Tin_Foil
And Mayo is useless fat and calories.
Mustard is your go-to condiment.
@BadTouchRobot @mike808 @Tin_Foil Mayo is there to lube an otherwise too dry burger.
@BadTouchRobot WTF does age have to do with whether someone likes the taste of ketchup?
@tweezak It can lube other things too. At least that’s what I hear.
Tossup between ketchup and fried egg.
Honorable mention:
@JT954 steak n shake??
@tinamarie1974 Yep. And that is the best burger they have IMO. Those buns taste like garlic rolls.
I love garlic rolls.
@JT954 that is a good burger. I also like the Frisco Melt. Gooey goodness
/image frisco Melt
@JT954 @tinamarie1974 what the hell is that I need one!!
@JT954 @moonhat Steak n Shake Frisco melt and it is delicious!!!
Prefer a bun.
Only one thing? – then the bottom half of the bun.
@phendrick Everybody knows the bottom half has all the fun parts.
/giphy butt fun
/image meat hot sauce
It’s especially good on a
/image Tahoe Garbage Plate
@ybmuG this looks like Texas chili (no bean)??
@tinamarie1974 kind of. It’s meant as a condiment. Primarily beef, onion, spices, lots of heat, not much tomato (maybe a little paste). Here’s a decent recipe
https://www.chowhound.com/recipes/nick-tahous-meat-sauce-28498
And I’m just realizing my autocorrect screwed up the spelling of Nick’s (Tahou). Sorry, Nick!
@ybmuG A Garbage Plate! That looks so good! I know what take-out is today! but think that might not count as “one thing” on the burger.
@ybmuG this looks interesting in a good way. Mental note to try next time I venture out to the store and pick up hamburger … how integral do you think the Allspice is, seem to be missing that in my spice drawer.
@tinamarie1974 I think you could skip it if you needed to. You might notice the difference if you were comparing side-by-side, but it certainly won’t be bad. As an incentive to get some allspice, it is fantastic in cream of mushroom soup.
Another burger patty
Double meat.
Another restaurant.
One that puts everything on my hamburger.
@daveinwarsh Five Guys is my current favorite chain. A local bar has a great burger called the green giant that I’m fond of.
@daveinwarsh Exactly, I choose a different burger joint.
Also no realistic scenario where this would actually happen (e.g. horrible backyard cookout, badly catered work lunch) would include avocado or a fried egg as the one available choice.
Either ketchup or mayo.
Onion!
More grease. I hate a dry burger.
Several kilograms of gold bouillon. Wait, who is paying for this burger?
@jsfs There is a local burger restaurant that does sell a gold-dust covered burger, presumably for no other reason than to make people talk about it.
…dammit, I fell into their trap!
menu
There’s a place here that puts deep-fried jalapeño slices on a burger - so THAT.
@Kyeh No no no on the jalapeños. Mind you my kid will drink, out of the can, the juice they are in and I think about 50%, by volume, of what she eats is cyanine pepper… but for me even black pepper is too hot. She’d be in line right behind you for those burgers.
I was working in Germany for an outdoor adventure program and one kid dared another one (these were 14-16 years olds) to drink the jalapeño juice from the can. Others, including the staff, tried to talk her out of it. She drank it. And then was in agony. We convinced her not to drink water and got her some bread. The kid who convinced her to drink it said that it couldn’t possibly be that hot so drank the rest of the can. She, too, ended up with a flaming mouth and in agony. We were trying so hard not to laugh.
the COVID-19 vaccine…
so we can all get back to work and buy the burger we really want.
@jester747 the vaccine’s not gonna work if you eat it.
@InnocuousFarmer @jester747 The Polio vaccine did.
@InnocuousFarmer @jester747 @Limewater Yes. Originally it was offered via sugar cubes.
Supremely sharp, white cheddar
Cut it think, make it melty
Make it a grilled cheese with a hamburger patty
/image grilled cheese with hamburger
yeah, i know it’s not gonna work
@Cerridwyn that looks amazing
@Cerridwyn @tinamarie1974 we call that a patty melt, and it is amazing!
@tinamarie1974 @ybmuG
Giphy picked the pick
But makes me want one
@Cerridwyn I also came to say extra sharp white cheddar. You’re the man, dog.
BBQ sauce.
Am I the first commenter here who lives near KC, or were the rest of you lying about this one?
@smyle KCK or KCMo? Or the nether regions in between?
@yakkoTDI Neither. I’m a couple of hours away on the Kansas side. Just close enough to know what good BBQ tastes like. And that Kansas Citians will eat an old leather shoe if you put enough BBQ sauce on it.
Pickles. I have to have pickles!
A different menu item until they restock all the things that should be on a burger
Ranch.
@TheFaceOfBoe
@TheFaceOfBoe
I see that you’re relatively new around these parts. Welcome!
Mayo
@zinimusprime
@elimanningface boo to you sir
Seriously, one time I was at a cookout and they did not have cheese. They did have mustard and pickles though, which redeemed it somewhat, except someone had the gall to say that mustard should not have been invented.
Fry sauce. (Ketchup and mayo mix.)
@RiotDemon Yes! Or ketchup and tartar is good too!!
@RiotDemon
@ELUNO that’s seriously a waste of money. Apparently it’s too hard to mix ketchup and mayo.
@RiotDemon Only if it’s more expensive than the equivalent ketchup/mayo. It’s more convenient!
Onions are good. Any kinda good burger sauce. Cheese. Mayo sometimes. Bacon. Mushrooms.
You get ketchup, mustard, and pickle on a burger, and it tastes like a twangy dumpster. I must not have acquired the taste…
@InnocuousFarmer You can only have one thing on your burger. What do you choose?
@elimanningface Any single ingredient from the first list would be good. If I could only choose one… it’d be either cheese or onion.
Only one thing? Hmmmmmmm… I am going to go with TOPPINGS!!!
I want spicy mustard (or Dijon or any that has a bit of a kick) but voted tomato because 9 times out of 10 they only have yellow mustard.
Tomato because if the patty is dry, which if only one condiment is likely, that helps.
And agreed: unlikely this place gives you only one topping but somehow egg and avocado are offered. Anyway, not picking those unless I get bacon too.
Miracle whip, I know I’m a monster!
@loundon
(to the second part, not the first 
)
Mayonnaise, of course…
@jojomomo why ruin a good burger by adding mayonnaise? What did that burger ever do to you?
Purple onion
@Barneybot isn’t a real bot.
Green Chile