Why do I torture myself?
14I tend to be a completionist. I’ll finish movies and books I’m not into just because I can’t leave them alone.
This is why I’m currently rolling my eyes at the tv while I watch Fifty Shades Darker. I read the books. They are terrible. The movies are slightly better, but still pretty terrible. At least in the movies you don’t have to hear the monologue of her “inner goddess” who would dance and skip around in her vacant brain space.
The best part of all of it was years ago when my partner came over and saw one of the books sitting on my side table. He picked it up and gave me a disapproving look. I laughed and told him to flip to any page, they are all terrible. He started reading, making inflections at the stupidity along with his eyebrows raising. When he was done, I was almost in tears. He walked straight into the kitchen and went to throw it in the trash until I told him it was a library book that needed to be returned. It made my day.
I love this blog that tears the book apart. It is so awesome because she put the thoughts I had while reading into the most funniest synopsis. So many laughs to be had.
https://iread50shades.wordpress.com/mission-statement-because-you-know-im-on-a-mission-or-something/
- 9 comments, 71 replies
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@PlacidPenguin
https://www.google.com/amp/www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/movies/amp31028/57-things-anastasia-steeles-inner-goddess-does-in-fifty-shades-of-grey/
@RiotDemon
I meant to put that as a placeholder, but I was laughing so hard I coughed on a drink and got distracted.
I did that with the Twilight series. I drew the line at the movies though.
@sammydog01
Did you watch any of the links which I posted last month?
@PlacidPenguin Nope. Not if they were about Twilight.
@sammydog01
Wait a second, whoops, wrong Twilight…
@sammydog01
I got thru the first Twilight film.
Ok, the two lovers were very very pretty.
I get twilight’s appeal, to a young audience. There can be a longing for life to be like that.
As tho being a teenager and having strong feelings might turn your life into a an epic fantasy thing complete with immortality and beauty and just enough danger or horror or angst to spice it up.
@f00l didn’t read any of the books, although I did pick up a copy of Twilight at a garage sale for a dollar because it was just a gorgeous collectors edition copy. I enjoyed the movies, because I like the peripheral characters and the fight scenes. The leads were way too sappy for me.
@sammydog01 My favorite response to Twilight was from a former Marine and a horror fan who said “All I see are two targets and a collaborator”.
and never mind the giphy; they all sucked.
@sammydog01
@duodec dang, can’t figure out how to insert a picture on meh on my phone. The toolbar that’s at the bottom on my tablet isn’t here on my phone, it’s just a plain white box. Tempest apparently destroyed my tablet once and for all, and my new used one isn’t arriving until Monday. So I’m stuck using my phone for everything until Monday.
@moondrake
Turn the phone sideways before you start your post or your reply. Then you can upload a pix.
Re tablets, perhaps get yourself one of those Amazon Fire tablets that’s warrantied against kids.
Screen isn’t HD. But decent. Tolerable, more or less. from the warehouse, it’s also cheap.
Or purchase new and they’ll replace it a certain number of times if your “children” break it for you.
Note: skip the 8gb one. Gofor 16gb.
And you gotta get a reasonable SD card. At least 32gb. More is better.
Perhaps some of the ones in the Warehouse also come with the warranty. Dunno.
These are kinda high right now. And puts them in sale a lot tho.
New:
https://www.amazon.com/All-New-Fire-Tablet-Display-Kid-Proof/dp/B01J90MSDS/ref=dp_ob_title_def
Used etc:
This is a brand new edition. Released just just now. Not even reviews yet. In a month or two, they will be in the warehouse, but not yet.
The Warehouse is also OOS on the previous gen. : (
That will change soon enough tho.
Oh look. And now has a kids edition HD that’s 8". Prob same warranty as the 7in.
Brand new release. Nothing on the Warehouse yet.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01J94SBEY/ref=s9_acss_bw_cg_tabcppt_md1_w?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=merchandised-search-3&pf_rd_r=XPJN6QEXTCGBWRVCF320&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=3b1fb596-d99c-4fb6-9843-cc031fb94aec&pf_rd_i=6669703011
@f00l thanks! I was able to pick up a used Samsung similar to my existing tablet with twice the memory for under hundred bucks on eBay from a seller with a very good rating. It should meet my needs for the time being. I went ahead and selected Samsung because I use my tablet a lot for casting to the TV, and I’m not sure what other devices are good for that. For all I know every Android device can do it, but the Samsung is the only name brand tablet I’ve ever had.
@duodec
@f00l I got a Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 P7510 32GB Gray- Wifi Only - Good Condition -for $85 with free shipping. I think mine is a couple generations older, it’s maybe 5 years old.
@f00l One thing both series have in common is young women being controlled by older men. Not something I would want my daughter reading. Whats-her-face chosing the werewolf would have been an improvement.
@sammydog01
The relationship passivity bothered me a lot.
I was even more bothered by the lack of any personal ambition, desire, or curiosity beyond what the “dear object of obsession” was thinking about at the moment. (I read Twilight. I presume the other series has this quality.)
I had one person tell me, at some length, of both Twilight and the 50 Shades series. I am trying to summarize what she said (she wore a painful expression as she told me this):
Our heroine is pure Mary Sue: altho she is somehow “special” and “interesting” and “compelling” and “beautiful”, but she does not know these things about herself.
She may have an actual "flaw’, such as “clumsiness”.
She may have a particular personal or intellectual interest, but the reader is told of it, not shown it; and the quality, so far from being intrinsic to the character, is just something picked at random from a shopping list of admirable qualities in order to up the “Sue” factor.
Her life seems pretty vacant of any serious interest or ambition, but she is a nice person.
She absolutely is not thinking in a serious way about growing up or taking care of herself or making her own choices.
She is perfectly willing to let someone else make all the choices, provided that he is compelling, is obsessed by her, and nothing about him or the relationship makes her wish to be an independent individual
AND
Provided money and other practical worries vanish, when she is in his world; as does any need to deal with people or situations that are not pure cardboard drama.
At times, if the author voice is having a good stretch for a bit, she may come off as an actual confused teenager or young adult, taking risks, acting with some independence, or being driven by unacknowledged frustration, pain, and desire. These portions of the manuscript will not last long.
For reasons unclear, she is constantly in small or extreme danger from a variety of protagonists. She has little awareness or common sense about this attribute. Her most salient quality, besides those of passivity, being gorgeous and compelling without being aware of it, and wanting to rescue her love from his torment, is that she appears to need rescuing a lot. Like all the time. She does not usually see this coming, and while she may make a few self-preserving choices, she gets into these situations again and again. The world just wants to hurt her or do terrible things to her, and she obviously needs protection.
And she is, above all, a world-class enabler, so long as the enabled party is gorgeous, super-rich, totally obsessed by her, and is either a dangerous supernatural being who lusts to kill her, or a severely damaged brilliant billionaire who is just terribly in need of true love from his perfect match. Apparently, enabling is admirable. It’s certainly never presented as problematic or questionable.
And her tendencies to be beautiful, “special”, “utterly compelling”, “clumsy”, and “in danger” all the time bring up a need for our “dangerous, devouring Marty Stu who needs to be loved”.
We don’t know him as well, since we see the world thru her passive, empty POV. But he is gorgeous and rich (no need for IRL-type problems here). He is accomplished and brilliant, but we see little of that in the story - we are “told” far more than “shown”. He is “deeply troubled and damaged” by his severely abusive background, or by his supernatural qualities. He is dangerous to her, but he just can’t help loving his perfect and beautiful nearly-blank slate female, tho he won’t admit that to himself for a while. He tries to keep real or emotional distance, but in the end she slowly tames him a little at a time, because they can’t help themselves. He tries to control her every move, but our vacant-barely-an-independent-thought-in-her-head heroine is just “her magical self” enough to make him slowly let go of some control attempts; again, because she’s so “special” somehow. She’s so wonderful that being around her and wanting the best for her, slowly, over time, works a sort of cure on our hero’s dangerous or damaged tendencies.
But there’s lots of backsliding on the hero’s control and anger stuff… Because we need some drama and some challenges. We don’t want these two to reach the perfect resolution too easily, do we?
But, it turns out in the end, all he ever needed was true love and faith from the perfect match for him. And, oh yeah, he has endless magical money and resources. So no real problems. And everyone always looks quite fashionable and lives in wonderful places.
And no hint is ever given that our pre-destined favorite couple will ever start to have normal reactions to each other, or ever wish to grow away from the “magic charade” they have with each other. Or ever wish to grow up at all.
And no genuine adult major character ever shows up to challenge any of what is going on; or if one does, it’s barely an interruption for the continual obsession these two develop for each other.
And neither of our leads even grows up and becomes anything resembling an emotional adult. Problems are mostly resolved fairy-tale style. Even emotional problems are resolved by the magic of the perfect relationship and true love and either becoming immortal, or endless mind-blowing (to the characters) sex.
And - i think? - these books are written in first person singular present tense. Are they? That matters.
We tend as readers to ask for far less development, far less normal thinking, far less complexity, when we are just running with the thoughts in our Mary Sue character’s head in the eternal “no-thought-for-the-future”, “no-curiosity-about-life” teenage or young adult present moment, where stuff just keeps “happening to her”, one crisis or adventure after another. Or one shattering orgasm after another.
My source did not hate Twilight: she found it very “adolescent fairy tale” and mildly entertaining in a “read this as fast as you can” type of way.
The 50 Shades series she could not get through. The reading was too awful. She just wound up skimming the pages to kinda get an idea of what happened next.
@f00l I admit that I actually liked twilight, in a way. It definitely is not the greatest literature I’ve ever read by any means. I think it more had to do with the timing that I first read it. I was seriously depressed at the time. I was on vacation and I read the four books in the week. They were just easy to read and took me away from life. Yeah, it definitely has faults.
I guess what I enjoyed is that I wished someone loved me almost as much as they loved each other. I say almost as much because some of the stuff bordered on stalking. Not to mention it was a glorified vampire life. They didn’t get burnt to a crisp in the sun, and they didn’t have to kill humans to feed.
@f00l That’s about it.
@RiotDemon I just wanted to smack that bitch.
Have you ever seen mystery science theatre 3000? I mentally start mst3000 any bad books and movies.
@CaptAmehrican I can only imagine how mock-worthy these 50 Shades movies must be.
@CaptAmehrican I’ve seen some of the older stuff. Now I see they have a new series on Netflix but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.
On YouTube I watch “CinemaSins” where they have a series called “Everything wrong with (movie title) in (#) minutes or less.” They mock movies or just point out movie errors. I also love reading on IMDB the “goofs” section right after I’ve watched a movie. Those aren’t as funny since they’re just actual movie errors, but I really enjoy them.
@RiotDemon I really like Honest Trailers on YouTube. They’re critical even of stuff that is really popular, but it’s all done with a great love of movies.
@CaptAmehrican Earlier in the year I bought the Complete Bob & Ray, and ever since have found myself mentally reading things in their voices. It’s enriched my life immeasurably.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_and_Ray
@moondrake yes! I watch them too. Love them.
@LaVikinga I hate to disagree with you, but I’m not sure it’s possible even to imagine how rotten the Fifty Shades et al books and movies are. I bought a copy of the first one at Chamblins and settled in for an evening of anticipated boredom. No such luck. The Spouse eventually wandered in from the office to ask what I was yelling about – had to tell him I was replying to the book. Think in terms of any great or good book you’ve read re-written using words of no more than four letters. It was so bad it didn’t even deserve the “total schlock” rating that means you can make fun of it.
@RiotDemon The new season of MST3k is the result of a Kickstarter project. I was astounded by how many industry people kicked in serious money and how many garden-variety fans helped fund it.I think it’s running on Netflix now.
@magic_cave I’m no longer allowed in Chamblins without an escort. Something about “you’re buying way too many books/where are you going to put these?” Yeah, I may have a book hoarding problem
When a book is too bad to even make fun of, THAT is BAD. A friend likened it to a very bad High School Creative Writing 101 assignment written by a virgin with an active imagination & a limited vocabulary.
@magic_cave I just read the dirty parts.
@magic_cave
@sammydog01
When I made my small, unsuccessful effort to read the first 50 Shades book, I went with it at the beginning. Then it started getting offensive and I was just skimming and skipping around. Then the sex came.
(And came and came and came, so to speak. Sorry!)
By the time we were into the sex and the aftermath of sex, and the build up to the next bit of sex, I was just flipping thru. When I found another “shattering orgasm” that looked good, I was calling people and reading the passage aloud. People made me stop doing that, even tho they were also laughing.
I found I hated reading the books, if I couldn’t torment someone else with the purple passages, so I gave up.
@RiotDemon This is my favorite blog series about the books: http://bizzybiz.blogspot.com/p/the-50-shades-reviews.html
You can feel the poor ladies visceral disgust at the whole thing the deeper she gets in.
@dashcloud You’ve got to remember this series is just a well padded mediocre Literotica story that got published by the MSM.
@cranky1950
Someone told me I had to try it. So I borrowed her copy and basically the only way to get thru a page of it was to read it out loud, while laughing. She had gotten thru it the same way.
I don’t blame the author for writing it. It’s what she wanted to write, it made her a lot of money, so hey! She got a $ win.
It’s way way way below mediocre.
It was published because the publishers thought there was a market for it.
The were right. I wish they hadn’t been. But I don’t think even the fans take it seriously.
@f00l If you want to experience the evolution of American middle class conservatism and have a lost weekend available, read Lazlo Zalezac at SOL.
@cranky1950
Will check that out.
I have never followed all the threads. I just read around some, and pick up on some trends from esteemed younger brother.
But I kinda know a casual, skippy version of the postwar evolution of American conservatism pretty well already, since most members or my family are/were conservatives, starting from right-wing yellow dog Democrats 80 years ago, thru Eisenhower fans (so am I) through Goldwaterists and Nixonists, then Reaganites, then a few neo’s and some movement conservatives, all with Buckley and Friedman and the Kristols and similar playing the philosophical symphony soundtrack in the background.
Only my political grandmother and younger bro and I did/do much of that sort of reading tho. I certainly never made a study of it per se. And as much as I love him, esteemed younger brother makes some points here and there, but gets a bunch flat wrong.
And my family has a few PJ O’Rourke fans (including me).
I am a big fan of Buckley. And if his writing. Just not of his politics.
His pseudo James Bond series was a scream. (Blackford Oakes):
And there are these, absolutely recommended. Anything he ever published about sailing:
Basically, anything he wrote is worth the reading, even if you strongly disagree with the religion, economics, and politics.
And then there’s this:
My reaction to it was "Ok, assuming the virtue of Buckley’s arguments for a min, how come the “all-everything Deity” that the very Catholic Buckley speaks out for needs all this energetic defense from very gifted, intellectual students?
And I had a few other little “quibbles”; but it’s a great read nonetheless.
I later read that similar thoughts, if well-written and expanded (similar to mine given above I mean), were the only critical opinions Buckley would credit as worthy in that book. (His young self reaction at the time of publication.)
The guy could write. And he was one of the most fun, gracious persons ever. I would have loved to have gotten to hang out with him.
Buckley was an energetic, great, and gifted personality and user of our language. I love him even if he got a lot - or more than a lot - wrong.
@cranky1950
More Buckley at his best:
@f00l Yeah I like his books too.
@Kidsandliz
And I kinda seriously would like to have parts of Buckley’s witty, elegant, successful, effective, joyous life, too.
@f00l I dunno if you’ve spent time on Literotica, the story is not as bad or dumb as most of them.
@dashcloud thank you. I spent my morning reading her review of the first book. Slightly different way of writing versus the link I shared, but seriously funny.
@cranky1950
Never spent time on literotica. And won’t, I suspect. Unless I’m drunk or something.
But “serious writers” can be awful, too:
There is the Literary Review’s Annual Bad Sex in Fiction Prize:
https://literaryreview.co.uk/bad-sex-in-fiction-award
See the site for samples.
And, pages with samples:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/books/what-to-read/top-10-worst-sex-scenes-in-modern-literature/
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2016/nov/17/bad-sex-award-2016-the-contenders-in-quotes
https://theculturetrip.com/europe/united-kingdom/articles/the-10-worst-sex-scenes-in-literature/
Some current examples are really lame. They need a Hall of Fame for this.
Her’s a recent, not nearly horrible enough, one:
Men Like Air by Tom Connolly
@f00l oh my god I can feel the look of disgust on my face at the line “pimpled floor.”
@RiotDemon
That’s mild. Check out the rest of the links. Just not when you’re already feeling nauseous.
You might avoid this at work … the belly laughs and need to read aloud to co-workers might be problematic.
@f00l I’ve read from your first link before. Some of the stuff is amazingly bad.
I used to read literotica.com but it was really hard to wade through all the bs trying to find something worthy of reading. Either the writing was really terrible or the stories would take these turns where I’d just feel gross afterwards and I’m no prude.
@RiotDemon
I like the stuff (short passages only, a few paragraphs max) where you just have to laugh, shake your head, and find someone to inflict it on.
Only once in a very great while tho.
@f00l I am reminded of a review written by the late and majorly great Dorothy Parker: “Gentle Reader fwow up.”
@magic_cave
That respond would fit the 50 Shades books, except that I was rolling my eyes and laughing.
I love Dorothy Parker, but particular review quoted is her just having fun, if the following is accurate:
She is reviewing a book intended for toddlers, and she is using adult literary standards and wit and the criteria. As much as that is a killer line, it’s also a cheap shot.
Given that no toddler was going to read her review, and surely her New Yorker readers loved the line, fair enough. It’s a great line.
I can usually relate except for a cartoon handful of times. (Though if watching a movie in a foreign language which I don’t speak, just to finish it counts, then make it 5 times).
@RiotDemon
I used to be a completionist. Then I got impatient and gave that up. There’s way too much good stuff out there for me to bother forcing myself thru bad stuff, boring stuff, stuff I have no respect for, stuff I despise.
I do kinda see the whole 50 Shades film thing possibly becoming our version of Plan 9 From Outer Space.
A future “seriously drunk party” staple perhaps?
The books as read by:
Gilbert Gottfried
George Takai
Ellen
Goofy
Morgan Freeman
Kristin Stewart
@f00l I can imagine Takei’s many interjections of “oh my!”. Kristen Stewart’s reading may open a rift in the universe.
don’t people realize/remember that these “books” are essentially Erotica Fan-Fiction?
in fact, the Author “wrote” them on her Blackberry.
@earlyre
Yeah. I think just about all the serious fans know that. I think they like the backstory of the author doing the versions.
But folks get to have their fun. If people want this, ok; there are many worse things they could be doing with their free time
Whether good writing sometimes happens on a Blackberry kind of depends on who is holding the Blackberry.
Some day we’ll get some great novels written on smartphones. Perhaps these novels already exist.
@f00l
I tried creating art on blackberries, but I kept eating them.
@PlacidPenguin
You just needed to charge them and capitalize them, perhaps?
/image blackberry cobbler
@f00l
Are you coming to the blackberry party?
@PlacidPenguin
Could use a formal invite.
When and where?
@earlyre I read the first one as the actual Twilight fan fiction. They essentially just changed the names and a couple of details. The author didn’t bother to write a lot of descriptions and backstory because if you were reading it, you had already read twilight.
@f00l
Well there was going to be one in Grapevine, but apparently the company whose property I was going to use didn’t appreciate not being invited. (It was either that or something about trespassing. Dunno, I wasn’t listening.)
@PlacidPenguin
There are local public park possibilities.
Why Grapevine? Whose land?
@f00l
With regards to the first question: Think about it.
(Hint- A-KON 2017, table #1322.)
@PlacidPenguin
Think???
But I is a Bear Of Veeeewwwy Wiiitttle Bwain!!!
@PlacidPenguin
Who is at table #1322?
I can’t play on my phone anymore for a little while.
@f00l
Rob DenBleyker.
@f00l
I feel like I didn’t really answer your question.
I once dated someone who told me the book was good. I picked it up and read one page. Relationship lasted about a week.
@Pantheist
I can believe that. And commend it.
@Pantheist I get confused when people say it’s good. The writing is so awful.
@RiotDemon Uh I write manuals for high end child safety products. We write for an audience with a 5th grade reading level.
@cranky1950
Do you include pictures?
@PlacidPenguin Yup spend more time making them than I do writing
@cranky1950
So you’re one of those people who makes those small diagrams with arrows and letters, none of which can be deciphered to to the crudely drawn pictures and small print?
@PlacidPenguin Bingo
@RiotDemon I don’t get it either. My best guess is it’s porn for people who aren’t comfortable with things that are labeled as porn.
@Pantheist
Porn, erotica, and romance novels aren’t quite the same thing. This series seems to be a really simplistic adolescent romance fantasy where the “happy ending” and “character redemption” path go thru orgasms.
Don’t know, but suspect that the majority of readers who stick with it are in it for the mix of extreme romance and extreme sex and cardboard wish-fulfillment characters as an adolescent thrill.
If someone enjoys the series that way, fine with me.
@Pantheist possibly. If people just opened their minds they could read something much better written.
@RiotDemon @f00l “If you want to be aroused and slightly afraid of sex at the same time you should just read lady chatterly’s lover. Then you at least get some commentary on class issues in post war england. It’s educational porn.” -jen
@Pantheist I remember hearing the name of the book, but that was it. Looking it up, pretty fascinating about how they tried to ban the book for obscene words.