What would be your reaction to this?
10On the evening Walter was put to sleep, I was given the option of coming to see him and saying goodbye. I was torn up enough and knew it was better not driving the 50 miles during rush hour to say goodbye. They gave me the option of having his ashes return to me in a urn, but never was a fan of that so opted for the community cremation with just my memories and pictures to remember him by.
Anyway received condolence cards from both the vet ($500+) and the avian ER ($4,300+) signed by various people (most who probably had no idea who he was with a little message to accompany their signature). Probably the least they could do given the amount of money I spent with each.
Two days ago received another envelope from the avian ER. Opened it and to my horror were some of Walter’s feathers-some grey and his signature red tail feathers. I lost it completely see those.
I would think given that I had no interest in getting his ashes that they would and should have checked with me before sending those feathers to me. Anyone have any thoughts on this.
- 17 comments, 14 replies
- Comment
Totally agree they should have asked. No question. Cards are a nice touch. But feathers?
That said, I’d take it this way. In their own bumbling, insensitive way they are trying to send comfort. Take it as that.
Yes you’d think they’d check. When you can deal with it call them and tell them this was a horrible thing to do with no warning; that they need to ask in advance if you want his feathers because of how upsetting it was to you and your family to get them so unexpectedly.
Yes, they should have asked. I think I’d have wanted to have them. I can understand your being shocked by it though.
I wish I could say that I was surprised that a professional in that field would do something so appalling, but given my experience of this week, I can’t. A couple of months ago, I had made contact with a specialty clinic here in Texas for something that I need to have done. It’s fairly specialized, and there aren’t many places that do it, and fewer that do it well. The earliest they were able to give me a consultation appointment was in January. I was prepared for that. And then, earlier this week, I get an email from them saying that they have summarily moved that appointment to late July because the person I was to meet with had scheduling problems. No phone call, not an email saying get in touch with us to reschedule, just an arbitrary take-It-or-leave-it email saying fuck off until the middle of the year.
All branches of the medical profession, including the veterinary, have become filled with arrogant assholes who just automatically assume that they know best about every fucking thing out there.
@werehatrack
WTaF? While I totally understand your frustration I must say I am appalled at your blanket statement. As a person in a medical profession I can assure that is not the case.
@chienfou @werehatrack I agree with Chien, in that you shouldn’t confuse the office personnel with those in the medical profession. While there are quite a few office/administrative people who could use a personality transplant &/or sensitivity training, you shouldn’t necessarily blame the medical professional for that. They’re not always in control of the people who work in the office, but if it’s a private practice & they do have a say, all you can do is let them know what happened or how your were treated, so they can decide if they want that kind of person representing them.
@chienfou @ircon96 Sadly, after the cavalier and insensitive way that I got “treated” back in 2015 and then my partner got handled in 2017, my opinion will be unchanging. While there are exceptions, and I know a couple, there are far too many of the type I described, and we both learned that one must always double-check everything, put (and get) anything actually critical in writing unless you have sufficient experience with the provider to mitigate that imperative. And even with everything in writing, don’t expect them to actually either pay attention to what you’re telling them, or do what’s really in your best interest. A close friend who is a retired LPN has a similarly jaundiced view after 30+ years in the profession. If things are different in the place you work, rejoice. Down here … not so much.
And if a physician isn’t monitoring what their staff is doing, they can take the blame the same way a manager of a business is responsible for staff screwups. They aren’t gods, immune to all criticism, no matter what they might think.
@Felton10, I think the card is standard. When my Sam passed a few years ago the Vet and the ER/ICU all sent cards. Even got one from his groomer. I did drive to the ICU to say goodbye, but like, you opted to not collect ashes. I decided to get his footprint in a cement stone that I could save and add to my garden.
The inclusion of feathers seems so insensitive. I’m sorry you had to deal with such an emotional rollercoaster
@tinamarie1974 I thought the card was a nice touch also from both places although I am sure the most of the people who signed it from the vet had never even met Walter.
The way I would personally choose to view this situation is they were making a good faith effort to honor him and show their sympathy. Personally I’d be touched, and wouldn’t use words like ‘appalling’, ‘horrible’, or ‘insensitive’. When a wolf I cared very much for passed away, the wolf center gave me a small ball of fur she had shed. It was one of the most heartfelt gifts I’ve ever received.
I understand different folks take this sort of thing in different ways, but I would not get angry or defensive with them. I’m sure they didn’t mean it in that manner.
@PooltoyWolf This! Perfectly captures my sentiments but I couldn’t find the words…
@llangley @PooltoyWolf Exactly this! Once over the shock, I would definitely take it as kind gesture.
I’ve never had bird for a pet. Vet has sent ink paw prints which was sad because I knew they were taken after dog/cat had passed. I sometimes find hair/fur under furniture and stuff which makes me sad too. We’ve never kept ashes.
The body is just a vessel. Memories mean more than tokens.
/giphy appalled reaction
I wonder if this person assumed that you declined the urn for financial reasons and were feeling deprived of a fuller experience. Maybe they thought they were doing a good deed by saving some feathers to send to you, like, "at least they will have this one physical memory. " In any event, I’m sorry for your loss.
@GrandmaLyn Doubt it considering how much I had already paid them.
@Felton10 @GrandmaLyn Maybe they aren’t considering the money, but they’re trying to consider your attachment to him.
I would cyber bully the vet. Review bomb their business. Find out where they live, take pictures of their house and then anonymously send the photos to them in the mail.
@medz Maybe you should keep comments like that to yourself so not to advertise your ignorance.
@Felton10 oops. That was a typo. I meant to say I wouldn’t do that. Auto-correct…amirite?
Since you turned down the ashes, I think the most considerate action on their part would be to ask you if you would want some feathers. As @GrandmaLyn brought up, there could have been an innocent misunderstanding on their end, but asking isn’t such a high bar.
The way I see the cards is that most of the folks who work around animals are genuinely animal lovers. So even if they hadn’t met Walter, I suspect they’d want to sign the card out of solidarity and sympathy with you.
My wife and I belong to a pet bird rescue organization. We often get birds that have not received medical care or the owner passed away and their older bird needed a new home. Occasionally the birds passed away. To honor them, they are buried in our front yard and a memorial rose bush is planted with them. We have a number of beautiful rose bushes where their memories live on.
I asked someone else. They said get over it. You’re redirecting your sadness as anger towards innocent people.
@medz were you talking to a mirror?
@llangley no. That’s a weird question.
@medz
Not really.
@llangley @medz
/youtube Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror
I would have been upset. I’m very sorry about all of this.
I’m so sorry that happened. I would think they would ask.
I know a lot of people get a lock of hair from people they lose, whether two or four legged. I guess this would be that same sort of thing?
I’m heartbroken for you and your loss. Losing a pet is an emotional ride that you really can’t understand until you’ve gone through it yourself. I’ve been through it many times, but there’s one, in particular, that I’ll never get over.
Remember the joy.
I can certainly understand your reaction, I don’t think that’s the kind of surprise I would enjoy upon losing a pet. That said, I would assume the best of intentions on their part. Was keeping mementos such as his tail feathers an option that was offered initially? I wonder if they mistakenly thought you had requested that. If you were up to it, I don’t think you’d be remiss in sending them a polite email or phone call letting them know that receiving such a thing unsolicited might not always create a positive experience. Maybe others have felt the same way as you but were too afraid or hurt to say so.
Regardless, I’m so sorry for the loss of your Walter and that it was sharpened by an unexpected surprise.
I understand your grief but I’m sure it was not their intentions to upset you. They should have asked you or Mrs Fenton. If you wanted any memento to remember Walter. I have swatches of fur from three of my cats that are stored near their little cedar boxes.