Invent a story about how the house is actually a fake facade created for a long-forgotten movie and there’s actually no usable interior. Set up a picnic table on the front lawn and meet your visitors there. Be sure to come up with plausible explanations of how you sleep, cook food, etc.
Quickly spread covers over all the furniture, so visitors cannot see the layers of dust.
Spray several canisters of Febreze Air Freshener.
Serve LOTS of alcohol and edibles. Then that’s all they’ll remember and relate their wonderful experience of your home to their friends. Downside: They might like your place too much and want to return soon.
Pretend the couch isn’t my bed. One time a friend’s girlfriend was over and sitting on the couch wearing leggings on the hottest day of the year. She left a sweat print of her vagina, which was not a good thing. Fucking gross. At least I could flip the cushion after it dried before I went to sleep that night.
We just bought a house on 4 acres…any visitors here, know they are getting put to work outside setting up chicken run…working in the garden, clearing woods (not clear stripping, selective culling)…you know, just like everyone else.