The only 2 I remember from my childhood (although there were plenty more bad ones as dad woke up each morning with about 10 or so jokes on his brain and wouldn’t shut up until he told them all to us. Maybe 1 or 2 were good and the rest were “groaner” puns for the most part):
Q: What did one hamburger say to another hamburger?
A: I need to put my hair up in a bun.
and
This is a multiple choice test.
Q: What do you call a nun who died and went to heaven?
A: “E” Nun of the above.
I had a joke book as a child. I remember reading jokes from it at my parents while they were trapped in a car with me and demanding – demanding – that they laugh. Then I complained that they were not laughing sincerely.
There must have been so many opportunities for “accidents” to occur. It is a mystery to me, how and why I am still alive.
I watched Rick and Morty last night. Does that count as a joke?
I went looking for kids jokes. I bet this is one of the ones that I read, out loud. Probably more than once.
@therealjrn Try this one: There is a plane that is flying close to the border between Canada and the U.S.A. There is an engine failure and the plane crashes right on the border of canada and U.S.A. Where do they bury the survivors?
Me-“No, what happened?” (Genuine concern b/c Dad rarely uses that word.)
Dad-“Ken’s wife backed up too close to the fan and-- dis-assed her.”
Also, Dad is the biggest fan of groaners I’ve ever known. It’s basically the only type of joke he tells. We have contests to see who tells worse jokes.
A couple of his favorite one liners-
“I wonder how many Naugas it took to make that couch.” (Dating myself with this one.)
As we pass every cemetery, “People are just dying to get in there!”
My fav when my (Now grown with kids of there own) kids were in the car with me. We always had to drive past a dairy farm on the way to their school. I always pointed out that those cows were outstanding in their fields!
I am known as the worst joke teller, but 3 are my go-tos:
1.
Q What did the big peanut say to the little peanut?
A Nothing, silly, peanuts can’t talk.
2.
Q Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
A Because they are so good at it.
3. Is a 10 minute joke about my dad the traveling salesman, a farmer, and a pink gorilla. Who wants to hear it?
A carrot and a chicken are best friends who are out in Mr. Carrots convertible for a weekend drive. There was a car accident and Mr Carrot was rushed to emergency surgery.
After surgery was complete the Dr came out to talk to Mr Chicken. He said there is good news and bad news. Mr Chicken asked for the good news first
The good news: your friend, Mr Carrot survived the surgery
Well, if that is the good news, what bad news can there be…wait for it…
The Dr said, I am sorry Mr Chicken, but your friend will be a vegetable for the rest of his life!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Alexa will tell you a joke. She has lots of them, and special ones for events. ‘Q: Did you hear about the circle who graduated from college? A: He got 360 degrees.
Q: What did the cat on the smartphone say?
A: Can you hear meow?’
My favorite joke of all time is the one about the guy who sees a sign that says: “Talking Dog, $5.” So he goes to the address and sees this old dude sitting on the front stoop. The old dude tells the guy the dog is in the backyard, so the guy goes around back and sees this dog, leashed to a stake.
The guy says, "So, you can talk?"
The dog says, "Not only can I talk, I speak seven languages; I was trained by the CIA as a covert agent but was reassigned to airport protection by the Department of Homeland Security. I was also loaned out the FBI and cracked a number of major cases. But I was getting older and wanted to start a family, so I retired and here I am."
The guy is staggered, he REELS back around to the old dude and says, "You’re selling THAT DOG for FIVE DOLLARS?!?"
The old dude says, “Ah, that dog is a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
I don’t know why but that joke kills me every time I hear it!
The only 2 I remember from my childhood (although there were plenty more bad ones as dad woke up each morning with about 10 or so jokes on his brain and wouldn’t shut up until he told them all to us. Maybe 1 or 2 were good and the rest were “groaner” puns for the most part):
Q: What did one hamburger say to another hamburger?
A: I need to put my hair up in a bun.
and
This is a multiple choice test.
Q: What do you call a nun who died and went to heaven?
A: “E” Nun of the above.
I had a joke book as a child. I remember reading jokes from it at my parents while they were trapped in a car with me and demanding – demanding – that they laugh. Then I complained that they were not laughing sincerely.
There must have been so many opportunities for “accidents” to occur. It is a mystery to me, how and why I am still alive.
I watched Rick and Morty last night. Does that count as a joke?
I went looking for kids jokes. I bet this is one of the ones that I read, out loud. Probably more than once.
Riding in the car with Dad past a cemetery:
Dad: "How many dead people do you think are buried there?
Me: "Gee Daddy, I can’t imagine! How many?"
Dad: “All of them!”
I still use it on the Grandkids.
@therealjrn Try this one: There is a plane that is flying close to the border between Canada and the U.S.A. There is an engine failure and the plane crashes right on the border of canada and U.S.A. Where do they bury the survivors?
@moondrake Oh! I know! My daddy LOVED this one!
In live media coverage?
On page six.
In a cemetery after they die, 'cause you don’t bury people at crash sites anyway?
@moondrake Spoiler alert:
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You don’t bury survivors…
Dad-“Did you hear about the disaster?”
Me-“No, what happened?” (Genuine concern b/c Dad rarely uses that word.)
Dad-“Ken’s wife backed up too close to the fan and-- dis-assed her.”
Also, Dad is the biggest fan of groaners I’ve ever known. It’s basically the only type of joke he tells. We have contests to see who tells worse jokes.
A couple of his favorite one liners-
“I wonder how many Naugas it took to make that couch.” (Dating myself with this one.)
As we pass every cemetery, “People are just dying to get in there!”
@sixstringslim this was my second favorite one to throw at my kids, I am amazed any of them turned out even remotely sane…
@gnotgonna
Speaking of second favorite,
Dad- “Ah, leftovers! My second favorite meal!!”
I may not be sane at this point.
@sixstringslim on a cemetery fence near where I used to live: “Drive safely. We will save your space.”
My fav when my (Now grown with kids of there own) kids were in the car with me. We always had to drive past a dairy farm on the way to their school. I always pointed out that those cows were outstanding in their fields!
My dad had a few jokes and he told them a lot. My mother’s tolerance knew no bounds.
“Como esta frijole, tennis shoes?” “How you bean, Keds?”
fart “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.”
“‘To pay’ is something you wear on your head.”
My 4yo daughter’s go-to joke:
Q. What do you call a daddy balloon that can disappear?
A. POP!
I think she got enough “metal” walking into the bar.
One of my favorites my brother used to tell in his trademarked deadpan tone. “Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?” “It was dead.”
Also, I want to die like grandad, peacefully in my sleep. And not screaming in terror like his passengers.
I am known as the worst joke teller, but 3 are my go-tos:
1.
Q What did the big peanut say to the little peanut?
A Nothing, silly, peanuts can’t talk.
2.
Q Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
A Because they are so good at it.
3. Is a 10 minute joke about my dad the traveling salesman, a farmer, and a pink gorilla. Who wants to hear it?
@mollama
Do tell.
Why don’t they play poker in Africa? Too many cheetahs.
A taco walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, but we don’t serve Mexican food here.”
Here’s a math joke that fits right in:
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9.
@dashcloud yoda version… Because six, seven eight!
@dashcloud @mikibell I hear Archimedes liked to tell it more like ‘Why is 7 afraid of 3.1415926535?’
A carrot and a chicken are best friends who are out in Mr. Carrots convertible for a weekend drive. There was a car accident and Mr Carrot was rushed to emergency surgery.
After surgery was complete the Dr came out to talk to Mr Chicken. He said there is good news and bad news. Mr Chicken asked for the good news first
The good news: your friend, Mr Carrot survived the surgery
Well, if that is the good news, what bad news can there be…wait for it…
The Dr said, I am sorry Mr Chicken, but your friend will be a vegetable for the rest of his life!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Alexa will tell you a joke. She has lots of them, and special ones for events. ‘Q: Did you hear about the circle who graduated from college? A: He got 360 degrees.
Q: What did the cat on the smartphone say?
A: Can you hear meow?’
My favorite joke of all time is the one about the guy who sees a sign that says: “Talking Dog, $5.” So he goes to the address and sees this old dude sitting on the front stoop. The old dude tells the guy the dog is in the backyard, so the guy goes around back and sees this dog, leashed to a stake.
The guy says, "So, you can talk?"
The dog says, "Not only can I talk, I speak seven languages; I was trained by the CIA as a covert agent but was reassigned to airport protection by the Department of Homeland Security. I was also loaned out the FBI and cracked a number of major cases. But I was getting older and wanted to start a family, so I retired and here I am."
The guy is staggered, he REELS back around to the old dude and says, "You’re selling THAT DOG for FIVE DOLLARS?!?"
The old dude says, “Ah, that dog is a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
I don’t know why but that joke kills me every time I hear it!
My mother, just like your dad said that EVERYTIME, we passed a cemetery.
Also she would say:
Last place I want to go.
People are just dying to get in there.