The Punchline Challenge
8Current Challenge: Write the best punchline to this set-up, two candles walk into a bar.
WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??
The basics: We’re doing a little April Fools’ Day game, asking our users to complete a series of ridiculous, stupid, and fun (we hope) photography/writing/drawing tasks throughout the day.
But why: Because April Fools’ Day has grown tiresome. Sure, maybe we laughed the first few years that corporations took on the challenge of lying to their customers. But then, we got to the point where Continental was tweeting about their new airliner constructed entirely from bacon or whatever and it got a little old. We want to celebrate April Fools’ Day in a fun way.
Okay, but why on March 31st: Because you’re more likely to be tethered to your computer on a Friday than a Saturday.
Will there be winners: Yes! The winner will be whoever gets the most votes on their entry!
Will there be prizes: Yes! The pride of knowing you had some fun on the internet!
So, there won’t be prizes: Correct. Anyway, we hope you enjoy yourself.
- 159 comments, 15 replies
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One says to the other, “Let’s get lit!”
@katjabee you were way too fast and beat me to this punchline!
@katjabee should have hit the Read More Comments before I typed the same thing :-\
The first one asks the second one “what the wicks going on here?”
Your wick is FIRE baby!!
Ouch!
It was tallow to avoid.
The Aristocrats!
They say “ouch.”
Bartender says, no more you two are lit
They’re looking for a spark to light up the situation.
The bartender says “You guys aren’t too bright coming in here lit up!”
one candle says to the other “<sniff> is Gwyneth Paltrow here too?”
@alacrity LOL
Two candles walk into a bar.
The first one says “Ouch!”
The second screams, “EEK, A TALKING CANDLE!!”
two candles walk into a bar for a birthday party. One says to the other ‘let’s get blown.
It’s late, I’m tired, that’s all I got.
They really lit that place up!
One says to the other “last time I came in here my other end started burning”
They then became Candle-bars
bartender takes a look & asks “you here for the birthday party?”
The first candle turns to the other candle and says, “Man, sure is dark in here”. The second muffin turns to the first and says, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING CANDLE”
The first asks the second if they have a smoke. He responds Blow me!
They fall over with wick-ed headaches
Both unscented. One turns to the other and says ‘hey this doesn’t make scents!’
anyone got a light…?
A sleezy guy approaches and says, “Hey votives, you need a light?”
Surveying the bar, one winks slyly to the other.
“Don’t know about you, but I’m feeling wicked.”
Two candles walk into a bar. The bartender say, “looks like it’s time to break out the blow, you guys are way too lit!”
One asked the other, “Is it your birthday? Because there is a good chance you’re getting blown tonight.”
Guilty, your honor!
first candle: why you so happy?
second candle: just went to a model’s birthday party and I was on the cake
And get lit.
Looking for a BJ!
Let’s get lit!!!
And they both order a fireball
first candle orders 6 shots of fireball, the second candle says “I’ve really been looking forward to this- I hear getting lit & blown is the best way to go out”
Two candles walk into the bar, one says to the other, “at least it doesn’t smell like gwenyth’s hoo-hah”
One candle to the other: You sure you want to go out tonight?
The waitress says to the bartender, “great, these guys always get lit, start waxing poetic about how ‘fire’ their day was, and then leave a mess for us to clean up…burn outs.”
The third one ducks.
That’s your day in the barrel.
Come on baby, light my fire!
… the can’t-dle had to crawl in
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here. You’re too bright for this place.”
It was the wrong bar in the wrong part of town
They both ended up getting snuffed out.
Two candles walk into a bar, one says to the bartender, “Got any matches?” The other says, “No need, we’re already lit!”
Two candles walk into a bar. First asks the second did he ever get that IRK he was so excited about. He responds, actually it ended up just being a bag of crap.
@dodohead i see what you did there
The bartender notices the taper candles and asks, “Are you two brothers? You look like you were dipped from the same wax.”
The first candle asks the second, “Well what about here?”
The second replies, “No, I prefer to eat something a little lighter.”
Maisie has patience.
One of them says; I had a rough day, I’m burnt out.
The bartender asks what they would like and they wax eloquent
The young LED hotties scoffed, “I thought this was a bar not a wax museum.”
One of them says “WTF happened to the $5 IRKs? The joke is on you buddy!”
'cause they didn’t look where they were glowing
They tell the bartender, “we buds need a light”
When you get to the **** throw it up here.
Then the door man had to wipe down the handle. “Wax on, wax off.”
They bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you the same two candles that came in last week getting wax all over the place?”
The candles look at each other, and one replies, “No, those guys were taller.”
Two candles walk into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve candles in here.” One of the candles responds, “That’s okay, we’re just here to get lit.”
Two candles walk into a bar. They got lit.
The bartender says: no smoking in here
“What are you doing here?” Asks the bartender. “We just want to wet our wicks” says one of the candles. “We’re a bar. If you want snuff the tobacco shop is next door”
But the fire marshal send they were at capacity.
Two candles walk into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve open flames in here.” So one candle turns to the other and says, “Looks like we’re gonna have to blow ourselves out tonight.”
You guys better not get lit or you’ll be burning the place down
the bartender says “i recognize you from my 2nd birthday party.”
Candle met her friend with the same name attending the university in the same town the bar is in.
Two candles walk into a bar and the bartender sings You Light up My Life
One candle says to the other, don’t be a drip!
One says “John Wick?”
-nah it’s “Joan Weck, I’ve been reassigned”. What about you Yankee?
-“oh, I’ve moved south to Florida, call me Bon DeScentis!”
and order light beer…
/showme two candles walking into a tavern
Two candles walk into a bar. They each only have one drink before the bartender cuts them off as they’re both clearly lit. The pair, hot headed, wax on about how they’re not that drunk, but the bartender can tell they’re just blowing smoke. Finally one of them claims it’s his birthday. The bartender stands firm until the birthday candle exclaims “blow me!” The bartender’s face forms a wicked grin and the candles’ arguments are extinguished. They leave meekly, their forms melting into the darkness, before the bartender turns to one of his regulars and comments “I guess their tolerance just wasn’t up to snuff.”
A patron says to the barman, hey one of these was supposed to be a lite!
The bartender says, “You Yankees come here to drink?”
The candles reply: “Oh, no. We’re just roamin’.”
And one just melted cuz the other was the light of its life
One says, “That vigil was depressing. I need a drink!”
Two candles walk into a bar
“Bruh, you wanna get lit?”
@thechinglish don’t you mean candela-bruh?
@medz isn’t that a luminosity rating
and the bartender says “you guys really brighten the place up”
Two candles walk into a bar.
They both run a tab, and order their drinks. With 15 minutes to close, the bartender asks for them to pay the bill. The candle on the right goes “I can pay, but I only carry cents!”
The bartender replies “You realize you owe me $845, right?”
The candles were alcoholics.
@ivyvibing “The candles were alcoholics.” This is still making me laugh because it’s so bleak, and has nothing to do with candles. Well played.
Two candles walk into a bar, covered in dirt and grime. The bartender, trying not to gag, says, “You two really need to clean up your act!” The candles reply, “But we’re just here to get lit!”
… because they had no reason to stay home and watch the meh-rathon, so they might as well get drunk.
Two candles walk into a bar. The bartender asks what will they have. They order two shots of fireball whiskey. Bartender asks why fireball? The candles reply “because we want to get lit!”
Hopefully we’ll get lucky tonight and meet our match.
Two candles walk into a bar
They are summarily unalived, as there is no such thing as an ambulatory fucking candle - that’s insane.
Did anyone kill a tiny dog because there are a couple of (John) Wicks in here
Bartender says, “what’ll it be?”
Candle 1: I’m not tryna get lit today
Candle 2; Not “wick” that attitude!
The bartender looks at them and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve light refreshments here.”
And immediately sexually assault the feather duster.
“You ready to get shamash-ed tonight?”
That one is for my Jewish friends.
They both were looking for a match, but both ended up lighting up the place!
and then went out…
two candles walk into a bar, bartender says hey “be careful where you stick your wick in here”
Come on baby light my fire
“You wanna close our tab?” “Eh… Maybe just one menorah.”
Ouch
two candles walk into a gay bar and ask if there’s a good place to hide cuz john wick’s coming.
Two candles walk into a bar and the bartender says, “can you help me out with something? I just don’t understand candle genders. Are you two men-or-ah what?”
2 candles walk into a bar
Are you going to wax on all night or can we get outta here?
And were immediately hit on: Damn! I’m not overweight, but I wish I was a little lighter.
After quite discussion, One gets thrown out. Qurious, a patron asked the bartender what happened. He replied, “One waxed on, the other waxed off”
Two candles walk into a barn. Wait I blew it
Two candles walk into a bar both grimacing in pain and insisting on a drink NOW. The bartender asks “what’s wrong?” One candle replies “we just had our first full Brazilian wax!”
Two candles walk into a bar and after constantly being hit on, the bartender asks what their secret was? They responded, we’re just hot
One says to the other, let’s get LIT!
They heard there was a John Wick viewing party.
One says… “We’re here to clean up the brows…”
/showme two humanoid candles getting drunk at a bar
Two candles walk into a bar and ask “what the hell happened to Jmhsrv’s membership? It seems to be gone”
And it burns to a crisp
Bartender says, “You two really know how to light up a room!”……I’ll see myself out…
The bar says, "Hey watch where you’re waking or I’ll punch your lights out!’
Stick that in your bar and smoke it!
Two candles walk into a bar. One of them says to the bartender, “Hey, can I get a light?” The bartender says, “Sure, no problem.” He takes out a match and lights the candle. The other candle asks, “Hey, what about me?”
The bartender shrugs and replies, “Sorry, I only had the one match.” The first candle smirks at the second and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll share.” He leans over real close and tries to light the other candle, but he accidentally drips burning wax everywhere. “Ahh! I’m on fire!”, he screams.
The second candle says, “Don’t be so upset. Look on the bright side.” The first candle screams back, “What bright side?”
“You’re the hottest thing in this bar.”
Two candies walk into a bar. Bartender says “What’ll ya have?”. 1st candle says “Gimmie a bud”, second says “Gimmie a Lite!”
Two candles walk into a bar with that big wick energy, Latto in the corner sipping on a Hennessy.
Two candles walk into a bar. One says, I’ll stop the world and melt with you. The other says “ mmm mmmmmm Mm mmmm”
@prettyhouses wait is this a crash test dummies ref
@thechinglish youngun…
@prettyhouses Thanks for the earworm.
They see a piece of rope lying on the floor. The candles walk over and one says, “ Aren’t you that Smartass rope we saw in here last night?” To which the rope groggily replies, “I’m a frayed knot”
Two candles walk into a bar.
Rose survives and Jack dies
Two candles walk into a bar, but are turned away since they were already lit.
Two candles walk into a bar and notice it’s open mic night. One turns around to leave muttering, “I don’t want to hear you wax poetic all night.”
So many clever responses! I can’t compete, but congrats to all who did.
The lamp was delighted to see them.
Two candles walk into a bar, in the rainbow district. They were fuh-LAMING, honey!
$2, same as in town.
One says, “My wick is on the wane.”
The other exclaims, “Stop waxing over your cups!”
Last night that was an apple.
two candles walk into a bar, the first one says to the second: “We’re gonna get lit tonight!”
I’ve never heard a Snickers moan like that before.
two candles walk into a bar, the first one says to the second: “Quit sputtering all over me! You’re the one that wanted the extra short trim!”
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
… They see it’s empty except for one gigantic fan and quickly turn-around and one candle says to the other. Damn, that was close. This place blows.
The first candle asked for a light, and the second called him a boomer because almost no bars allow smoking anymore.
Unfortunately, they had to leave early as the crappy bar food had them burning at both ends.
They were burning the midnight oil.
…and got totally lit.
Two candles walk into a bar,
your mother.
blow me
Bartender says, “Hey assholes, didn’t you see the sign? We’re closed. Not very bright, are ya?”
And then I found five dollars.
something, something, something…torch singer.
Something, something… “Show us your tips!”
Something, something…“I’m dripless you arrogant ass hole!” and calmly walked out with the money.
The big candle leans over and says “I’d like to wax you a few questions”
One says, “Let’s stick together.”
Watch your step, don’t drip!
The Aristocrats!
We’re not the only ones who came here to get lit!
(This is a very obscure reference for those of us over 55 or so. I’ll see if anyone gets it before I explain.)
The first candle asks the second candle where he went on vacation.
The second one says “I went to Dallas to see Debbie. It’s been a good 40 years since we last saw each other.”
The first candle says “Does she still look as good as when she worked for you?”
The second candle says “Yep, she’s still as perky and bouncy as she was in high school. But I wish she’d quit calling me Mr. Hardwick.”
@lisagd as in the Hardwick sent candles
@eraxpar As in the (in)famous adult film Debbie Does Dallas. Mr. Hardwick is the candle shop owner who helps Debbie’s friend Roberta earn some extra money by doing a “special job” with him and his wife and, uh, some of the inventory.
(I thought it was Debbie, but it’s been 40 years since I saw it, so…)
The bar had a gas leak and exploded killing dozens including 4 nuns who had survived cancer.
Two candles walk into a bar:
Bartender, bring us some beer, and none of that “LITE” crap!
Two candles walk into a bar, and one says to the bartender, “We don’t need any drinks, we’re already lit!”
Two candles walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “I see you two are here to light up the night, but don’t get too lit or you’ll both burn out!”
Two candles walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “You guys better not get lit, we don’t want any meltdowns here!”
Two candles walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here – you guys always burn out before closing time!”
Two candles walk into a bar, and one says to the bartender, “We don’t need any drinks, we’re already lit!”
Two candles walk into a bar, but the bartender shouts, “Hey! No paraffin-alia allowed!”
Help me find the keys to my truck and we’ll drive out of here.
Two candles walk into a bar
The 1st candle: “how you been doing?”
The 2nd candle: “I have to admit I’ve been going through some dark times.”
The 1st candle: " That sucks, whats been happening?"
The 2nd cabdle: “Oh you know, it’s just the way the wind blows”
One said to the bartender “Get this lady a
<insert nice drink>. She’s the light of my life.”Two candles walk into a bar.
Candle 1: “Hey, didn’t you sleep with that girl over there?”
Candle 2: “Flicker? I hardly know her!”
The bartender says sarcastically “Great, my old flames are here to brighten my spirits.“
Two candles walk into a bar, this makes no scents.
Two candles walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.
This sounds like another John Wick movie. The last one blew too.
Two candles walk into a bar….
Roseanne Bar. They give her third degree burns and she presses charges. One candle dies in a prison riot, the other’s on parole and doing public announcements about how dangerous it is for candles to be walking around.